Ignoring someone's weight when they keep mentioning it

He's made my daughter uncomfortable and I'm not going to be teaching her empathy towards a man, or anybody who has made her feel uncomfortable. I'm not sure why he needs empathy.

Everyone needs empathy. Of course his comments are irritating, but if they make you or your daughter feel uncomfortable it is not because he has actually done anything wrong, so it doesn't undermine the case for empathy.

He clearly feels self-conscious about his weight, and (regardless of the fact that you and your daughter are not judgemental) it is his habit to forestall the possibility of judgement by getting in first with the self-criticism. Loads of people do this, if not about their weight then about whatever issue happens to make them feel badly about themselves.

If I was the person hearing him, I would simply find it rather boring. But loads of people are boring. The solution is just to politely nod and not feel obliged to ask follow-up questions unless you are really interested in the answers.

If you don't feel any need to engage with throwaway comments that aren't of interest to you, then there is nothing much to feel 'uncomfortable' about. If you do feel any need to engage with such comments , then it might ultimately be a you problem not a him problem.

Try to find ways to remind yourself that in a conversation you can choose what to get hold of and what to let go of. It isn't his job to anticipate your choice and censor himself. (It would be different if he was going on and on and demanding all the space in the conversation, but it doesn't seem like this is what is happening

I'm not really sure why it's confusing for you that he would bring up something which is so obviously a big (no pun intended) part of his life. For some people, being fat is their whole personality. And that is fine. You don't have to like this person, you just have to be polite. Explain to your daughter that he obviously has hang ups about his weight so just ignore the weight comments. I'm not really sure why you've posted on here as you clearly don't want a solution to the problem, you just want to rant about him as you've dismissed every suggested solution proposed to you.

And to say why say that when we weren't even talking about walking... with that attitude people would never start a conversation. I might moan that it's been too wet all week to go for a walk - no one has asked me to go for a walk in the rain, does that mean I shouldn't share that thought with anyone?

“We are very non-confrontational and also ND (autism and ADHD) and struggle in social situations as it is” …. Cut them the same slack that you need? Maybe they struggle too? Please don’t take this as being harsh because I mean it with kindness but we all have to, within reason, try and accommodate each other I life. You can’t really just say oh well we have this and that so the onus is now on them to xyz, they’re struggling as well. Life can’t always be about everyone accommodating what makes you struggle, it’s a two way street.

He's made my daughter uncomfortable and I'm not going to be teaching her empathy towards a man, or anybody who has made her feel uncomfortable.

She's going to find life and relationships quite tough then.

Other people's problems can often make us feel uncomfortable but that doesn't automatically mean we shouldn't feel empathy, or at least try to.

This person clearly has a problem with his weight and as much as it's not yours or your DC's problem, a little empathy can go a long way.

I had a friend who did this multiple times, every time I saw her. She loved shopping. It was a nightmare. Every time she said she was 'too fat for this (insert clothing item) she'd be told,

no you're not too fat for that dress
no your legs aren't too fat for those boots
no, your arse isn't too big in that skirt
no, they do fit your thighs, leggings are meant to be tight'.... on and on.

I stopped seeing her because I was sick of pretending she wasn't over weight. It dominated everything.

I agree it is a bit odd that he refers to it so often, for no apparent reason. But I don't see why it's a problem to ignore it. He isn't even asking you to engage, he's making a statement. If it's in a message, easy to skim over and ignore the comment. If it's in person, just a "yes" and change the subject. As you say, you won't be in contact with him for much longer.

No it’s not. It’s not ok for anyone to say that unless it’s asked for. He’s not saying oh im
so fat and I don’t want to be. Maybe he doesn’t want to change, maybe he’s tried and failed many times.

Just to add when your children mention it makes them feel uncomfortable then you can discuss with them why he might he be doing it. An opportunity to learn empathy for others.

Umm yes don't do this. What a horrible thing to say.

This person probably feels very insecure about their body image and is anxious about what other people may be thinking. One thing people who struggle like this do is try to get ahead of any criticism you may be thinking about them, by putting it out there first. It's defence mechanism to help them feel less anxious and probably enables them to socialise.

When they make these comments just try to think about what may be underlying them and empathise. You struggle in social situations so you must have some experience of feeling similar anxieties to draw from.

Okay, yeah, I’ve had colleagues that have made similar comments about themselves and it can be awkward. I always used to ignore as best I could, or change the subject. It’s obviously something he feels self-conscious about.

Tbh if it’s been an increasingly issue I would respond with ‘ you’ve mentioned this a few times now. Have you thought of making an appointment to discuss it with your GP? I’m afraid me and the kids aren’t really qualified to offer any advice, so perhaps you should start there?’ Then change the subject…

She doesn't have to discuss it, she can simply ignore the statements and carry on with the actual topic of the conversation. He isn't asking questions or trying to start a conversation about, according to the examples the OP has given.

Weight might be personal, but for obese people it is also something that is publicly noticeable and not possible to hide, unlike many other issues that people have.

Because weight is a very personal thing I expect?

It's very often an uncomfortable topic for many people to discuss and the OP doesn't want to discuss someone else's weight that has nothing to do with her.

If the person keeps going on and on about being fat, it's perfectly ok to ask 'so what are you going to do about it?'

I don't understand why it makes you both so uncomfortable? People say all kinds of things that are irrelevant to the conversation, just wondering why this particular kind of comment is difficult for you.

I don't think he is doing anything wrong here. It doesn't sound like he is trying to goad you into saying that he isn't fat or like he is complaining about being fat in a way that is potentially offensive/triggering to others (like what NowYouSee describes above). He's just mentioning that he is fat. As others have said it is probably on his mind because he is self-conscious or just generally finds it a struggle. As others have said, probably best to remain noncommittal unless you are certain that he wants some kind of comment or advice. But I don't think he has to politely refrain from mentioning it in order to avoid making others uncomfortable.

OK so it sounds like maybe that's his default "chit chat" topic. We all have a topi we revert to to make small talk, his just happens to be something weight related. If it is really bothering you and your daughter then perhaps gently take him to one side and say something along the lines of "I'm not sure if you're aware, but you make a lot of references to your weight. I'm trying not to discuss weight and body image in front of my daughter, please could we talk about something else next time?" The chances are he doesn't even realise he is doing it.

I'd just not respond to anything he says about weight. It doesn't sound like he's inviting a discussion or asking a question.

Do you know why it makes your DD uncomfortable? Surely you just say to her that he's aware he's very overweight and sometimes people feel they need to comment on it, to pre-empt any negative judgement or because it's on their mind a lot.

If they keep mentioning it, I would probably engage with the conversation (otherwise, why keep mentioning it?)

I would point out that we're in January and that is a good time to make changes as all the gyms and slimming clubs and hello fresh type meal box deliveries all have deals on.

@weightyissue Could you give some examples of how it gets brought up? Is it a question or a statement?