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Original poster

To suggest she doesn’t report it? *TW- sexual assault*

86 replies

Waitingroomsally · 15/01/2025 08:35

MNHQ posting: Can we request everyone read the second post from this user before responding to the word 'borderline' as it appears to be derailing the thread.

My friend is emotionally fragile at the moment and has been in therapy for several years as a result of her chaotic romantic life and inability to find stability and calm across all aspects of her life. There is always a drama going on and she is always one conversation away from tears.

Recently she met a man who sexually assaulted her. I am trying to remain objective: it was borderline.* She didn’t explicitly say ‘no’, but he overpowered her and pinned her down and she made it clear that it wasn’t what she wanted. To my mind, it was assault and it was wrong but it can’t be proven. She didn’t go to a clinic afterwards, no bruises or marks and she has no evidence. It is her word against his. She has asked me if I think she should report it to the police ‘so that it can go to trial’. I doubt it would get that far. Conviction rates are low, even in cases that are more clear-cut than this and where there is more evidence.

If I was advising a stranger I would say yes, report it, give a statement, hand over your messages, prevent this from happening to another woman. I am a very strong believer in justice and ending violence towards women. But she is my friend and she would not survive an interrogation. She would not survive the suggestion of being disbelieved. If they logged it and told her there was nothing more they could do, she may not be able to deal with that. In fact, I suspect even the experience of having to give a police statement might be more damaging to her mental health.

I’m sure there would be some feeling of retribution for her personally as well as it being ‘the right thing to do’ but I don’t think she stands to gain anything from reporting this and wanting the police to press charges. She has her very fragile sanity to lose.

It is completely against my better judgement, but are there cases where it is better to walk away and do nothing?

OP posts:
peppermintgreengrass · 15/01/2025 08:51

I think you should advise her to find some better friends, because you’re not being a good one.

Dont advise her AT ALL. Ask her what SHE WANTS to do.

Screamingabdabz · 15/01/2025 08:51

I’ve learnt over the years that interfering in these things, even with the best intentions, can have unintended outcomes. Maybe she needs this life lesson? Maybe reporting it, even if it goes nowhere, is cathartic? Maybe nothing will ever save her so don’t waste your energy trying to be her safety net?

myplace · 15/01/2025 08:50

I would support her in accessing a helpline, to talk through her options and her experience. They will be better placed to help her.

PonyPatter44 · 15/01/2025 08:49

Why don't you ask your friend? "Lucy, how will you feel if they don't believe you, or if they tell you there's not enough evidence to get it to trial? "

Also, just FYI, there's no such thing as a borderline sexual assault. She was assaulted and whatever she did or didn't manage to say at the time, doesn't affect that.

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 15/01/2025 08:49

Borderline? FFS......she was RAPED! He overpowered her, pinned her down and in your own words "made it clear it wasn't what she wanted" so in fact did explicitly say no.

Now, that aside, it's really up to your friend if she reports or not. Rape is woefully under reported and even more woefully managed by the justice system effectively but if she wants to do this your sole job as her friend is to support her decision.

Alwayslurkingsometimesposting · 15/01/2025 08:49

muggart · 15/01/2025 08:46

The problem is, it will sound like YOU don't believe her.

Could you prepare her by saying something like "remember these things often don't go to trial even when the police believe the women the CPS needs to feel there is enough evidence for a conviction. So if they choose not to prosecute it doesn't mean they don't believe you, and if they ask tough questions it also doesn't mean they don't believe you. They are just looking for an evidence threshold so the process might be quite vigorous."

You are right of course that if she didn't say no and there were no threats then surely it won't go anywhere. Would she get some satisfaction anyway from knowing she has done what she can?

Very good advice here- help her mentally prepare for what it will be like if she does report but don't give her advice either way. Just listen and validate and support whatever she decides to do. Our friends don't usually want advice really even if they ask for it. They just want emotional support

Newnamesameme · 15/01/2025 08:48

What you are describing is rape. Why are you treating her like this? Even people with chaotic backgrounds and previous hardships can be raped. I hope your friend finds a source of support who is more understanding and will listen to her and offer her genuine support.

TankFlyBossWalkJamNittyGrittyIAmFromAMidSizeCity · 15/01/2025 08:46

Borderline?

You shouldn't be advising anyone ffs.

muggart · 15/01/2025 08:46

The problem is, it will sound like YOU don't believe her.

Could you prepare her by saying something like "remember these things often don't go to trial even when the police believe the women the CPS needs to feel there is enough evidence for a conviction. So if they choose not to prosecute it doesn't mean they don't believe you, and if they ask tough questions it also doesn't mean they don't believe you. They are just looking for an evidence threshold so the process might be quite vigorous."

You are right of course that if she didn't say no and there were no threats then surely it won't go anywhere. Would she get some satisfaction anyway from knowing she has done what she can?

Strawberryfruitcorner · 15/01/2025 08:44

Borderline? Are you fucking joking?

DancingLions · 15/01/2025 08:43

I reported it when it happened to me. I had evidence which after 18 long months of "investigating", the police "lost" the evidence. They then NFA'd it. It destroyed me. The officer in charge got a written warning. How did that help me?

I can't know what would have happened had they not lost the evidence, the CPS would have still had to agree to take it to Court and a jury would have needed to find him guilty. Neither were guaranteed.

I wish I'd kept quiet and focused on my own healing. I was in limbo the whole time and left feeling worse than when it started. So I agree with you.