To suggest she doesn’t report it? *TW- sexual assault*

if she doesnt g there will be n recrd of this-he culd well hve previous/be very likely do agin.she is vulnerable for sure,frgile but regardless of a convictions likelyhod her mral compss is bang on. her word against his.oon recrd may be vital

ur description of her sounds very judgemental. Is it possible she is stronger than you think? More resilient than you realise?
She's already endured rape and been able to articulate it to you, wants to report it and see if go to trial. She believes in herself even if you don't.

I get your concerns but she is an adult and the awful thing has already happened. She doesn't need cossetting, she needs you to believe in her.

ETA I had a therapist who had worked with the police and who was able to tell me, frankly and supportively, that he thought it very unlikely that any judicial action would happen as a result of my report. That influenced my decision. But he was in a position to tell me this, and to support me either way, which you aren't really. Pointing your friend towards support for victims and survivors of sexual assault is the best thing you can do for her.

I reported a serious sexual assault last year. It was different from your friend's case in that it was historic CSA, but similar in that there was a shortage of evidence, but I wanted to report it for my own sense of closure and in case there were other victims. I don't regret reporting it - it was the right thing for me in many ways - but I completely underestimated the effect the statement giving process would have on me. I thought I would tell my story and that would be that, but in fact you have to tell and retell your story, broken down into smaller and smaller chunks, and drilled down into in greater and greater detail. Everyone I dealt with was professional and respectful, but that process of detailed reiteration is the opposite of what therapists would recommend and I found it impossible to let go of and ultimately very distressing. I now have a diagnosis of PTSD as a result, and the case has been NFA'd anyway, not because there really is no evidence, but because there was a lack of motivation on the part of the police to make the effort to investigate when the likelihood of a conviction was slim. I would always have thought I would encourage a woman to report, but after my experience I would think twice where she was psychologically fragile. It has to be her choice of course, but personally I'd encourage caution.

I don't think it is your place to "advise" either that she should or should not report it. It's an intensely personal decision and your friend should make it for herself.

I did not report and I do not regret it. I do think many people are naive to the reality of reporting and I have heard more than one woman say that the process of reporting and going through the judicial process was as traumatic, or more, as the assault.

But it is her who has to live with it and not you. Direct her to Rape Crisis or another organisation who can help her think her options through rather than "advising" her one way or the other.

Rather than advising your friend not to report, you should encourage her to speak to an organisation like Rape Crisis and they can talk her through what reporting entails and what's likely to happen. They can also offer her counselling and support. She needs to be able to make her own informed decision.

Personally I would explain to her that with no evidence or might not go to court. And she might not get the outcome she wants. I would prepare her for that. But i would also say it will be logged in case he does it again. And actually- how do you know he hasn't done it before and they just need more evidence he's a horrible person? I think if she wants to then she absolutely should and be supported. But just prepare her for all outcomes.

I do get what you mean by borderline, you're talking in a legal sense of what you can actually prove but you might want to get MNHQ to edit the wording as that doesn't mean what you think it means.

I'd not report it. I didn't when I was very mentally fragile. Court is very stressful even if it gets that far and especially when it is one person's word against another's. I couldn't have coped with it and it doesn't sound like your friend could atm either.

This

There is clearly a case to answer and convictions for rape have been secured many years after the fact, so the lack of bruising and marks isn't insuperable. But your sense that prosecutions for rape are often harder on the victim than the alleged perpetrator isn't wide of the mark. Nor is it unreasonable to take the view that your friend has no obligation to stop a violent man from offending again at the expense of her own mental health. Women aren't responsible for men's behaviour.

However, your friend might gain some catharsis from going through the process, because at least that way, he won't just be able to walk away from what he's done. Her local rape crisis service will be able to talk her through the options available to her, with a view to their pros and cons.

Would you ever read her posts before commenting.

Quite.

Just because she didn't explicitly say no doesn't mean she was actively consenting in sexual assault. He pinned her down against her will ffs.

Some women and lots of men need to learn about consent. Have a look at the 'cup of tea' video created by Thames Valley Police for a bit of an idea...

What on earth are you doing, calling this borderline?

You're the wrong person to discuss this with her.

@Waitingroomsally I think you can say what you’d do if it had happened to you (report) and that morally for other women’s sake she should consider it. However, only she can decide whether she is in a well enough state to deal with the pressure. Just help her list the pros and cons while not trying to influence her.

Some friend you are 🤬

Having had a similar experience, where it would have been my word against his, I decided to report it anonymously. This was on the advice of a specialist sexual assault team. It meant I felt I had tried to report it, and if similar reports were made it could be investigated further but that I didn’t have to go through likely 2 years of investigation/people not believing me.
I would be very careful with what you say to her though, as describing something which is clearly rape as borderline (even meaning as evidence for a case) will stick with her.
I needed intensive trauma therapy years on because of the initial responses I had from people I told, so please try to be as supportive as possible.
Perhaps suggesting she seeks advice from a specialist service is the way to go, so she can make her own informed decision? You could offer to go with her to show support?

The OP has already explained that she used the word ‘borderline’ to describe the evidence not the assault.

It is extremely difficult to get convictions where sexual offences are concerned.

OP with your support your friend could contact the rape crisis centre and they will offer support whether she wants to go to court or not.

Borderline? WTF.

It was rape.
It would be reasonable to advise (warn) your friend that the prosecution rates are low, prepare her that it will be horrible process, but don't bloody say to her "don't report it".
Maybe he has history of SA (or will do it again). Your friends statement can be very useful in future if not right now.

Honestly, OP, your 'borderline' attitude is appalling, and won't have been helpful to your friend. Surely you can make a distinction between your own response to her (belief and support) and the criminally low rape prosecution rate?

I would encourage her to contact Woman's Aid or similar organisation who will be best placed to assist your friend.

Sorry, seen you have actually acknowledged this

Borderline? Some women when they are being sexually assaulted/raped freeze and don’t specifically say ‘no’. He pinned her down and it was clear she didn’t want to do it. That is not borderline.

Recently she met a man who sexually assaulted her. I am trying to remain objective: it was borderline. She didn’t explicitly say ‘no’, but he overpowered her and pinned her down and she made it clear that it wasn’t what she wanted.

Borderline? WTF are you are you smoking? Sounds like rape to me.

I can understand your concerns about your friends ability to endure the process of a police investigation and court case but you are not being a good friend. The choice is hers and you should support her in whatever decision she makes. If you can't do that you should step away and make room for a friend who can do that.