To suggest she doesn’t report it? *TW- sexual assault*

I read that as being about her choosing to report it?

Just read the Ops replies at lear there are only two of them

If everything you've said is accurate and there is no additional evidence (messages, admissions, images of injuries etc) they you're right in saying it's unlikely to progress to court.

There is still value in reporting it though. He will likely get spoken to by police, and there's a chance that would be a wakeup call for him. It also might help in a future case if this is a pattern of behavior.

However of your main concern is your friend's well-being, you may well be correct that the process could be just as damaging. Perhaps therapy would be a better option. She can always report later.

I agree with you OP. Support your friend to make a decision but don’t push her into reporting him unless she’s adamant that’s what she wants to do.

Reporting the assault to the Police is likely to cause your friend further distress simply from re-living the experience with complete strangers and it doesn’t sound like she has the strength mentally to cope with that. There’s also the fact she’ll be living in limbo during the time scale involved if it was referred to trial.

Yes, the man is a monster who may well assault someone else but that still doesn’t make it the friend’s responsibility to try to bring him to justice.

I understand what you mean, protecting her is well intentioned and it's a brutal experience reporting, being questioned, not believed and then in all likelihood nothing happening.

I think the best thing to do is let her decide and support her either way.

When it happened to me, I didn't report as I knew there was so little evidence and I didn't seek help at the time so knew I'd never be believed.
I regret it now, I wish I'd gone and been medically seen at the time and reported. But I didn't, I protected myself from being accused of lying or told it was my own fault and that was the right choice for me but I know others who have reported and had various outcomes.

give your head a shake course she should report him. who knows what he will do next time? groping leads to sexual assault then rape then who knows? sodomising? murder? it all follows a pattern if you look any of the men who have raped and then killed.
to bottle that up will not help your friends MH as a good friend you should support her. Evidence or not that is up to Police to decide. who knows? they may already have a file on him

Wow. So rape is a life lesson this woman needed.
Marvellous.

Well aren't you an absolute treasure, jeez.
She was raped.

This. 🤯🤯🤯

It's not your decision, OP, your friend will have to do what feels best to her and your role can only be to listen and support, not advise her one way or the other. I should think that a sexual assault advice line would be her best starting place for some concrete advice about what is likely to happen if she takes certain actions.

It’s your job to support her. You don’t know what allegations he already has, or what will happen down the line. If she wants to report it it’s your job to be there for her if and when it goes tits up. Telling her not to is wrong.

I reported after everyone - absolutely everyone, including police, told me it would never see court or a conviction. He got a year in jail and 3 other women came forward after that fact. If the very least she does is report it and it never goes anywhere, the next girl - a girl from before coming forward - may very well get believed and it could all add up to conviction.

Men get away with rape every day because women are discouraged from reporting. Yes, it’s a very traumatic process and it’s okay to make her aware of that but if you tell her it was BORDERLINE or that she shouldn’t bother then you are a shit fucking friend and you should absolutely go fuck yourself. I hope you never have your autonomy taken in this way and I certainly hope you never have anyone invalid your very real trauma, let alone someone you call a friend.

The OP said,

"I am trying to remain objective: it was borderline. She didn’t explicitly say ‘no’,...."

That's not about evidence.

Having gone through reporting historicsl CSA and it getting to trial I can honestly say it was the cross examination that did me in I had a breakdown was sectioned I regret reporting it sadly he was found not guilty
im still not struggling with my MH and the trial was 7 years ago

As her friend, you should not be 'advising' her either way.

You should be making all possibilities clear so she can think about them in an informed way.

And then making it crystal clear that when she makes HER choice, you'll be there to support her no matter what that choice is.

Your friend was raped.

You should absolutely not be 'advising' her to report or not report, or trying to steer her one way or another. It's her choice. You can listen to her and let her talk but you shouldn't be trying to influence her decision in any way.

The fact that you think a man holding a woman down and forcing himself on her is 'borderline' just because she didn't say the word 'no' suggests you shouldn't be talking to anyone about sexual assault, frankly.

I totally get where you are coming from. What happened to her was assault, totally unacceptable. But you know it is unlikely to go anywhere and you also know how that process will affect her. It is difficult. Just be there for her, and encourage her to access mental health services to turn her dramatic life around (not that the assault was her fault of course but she obviously needs some help navigating self worth and drama free existence)

rtt

I think YABU.

Your opinion of her fragility isn’t relevant. She shouldn’t just be written off based on your judgement of her. You’re a lay person.

legal processes are stressful no doubt, however the police can put her in touch with support. Ie trained witness support officers, victim support, women’s aid etc - who can all give her much better advice than you can, as that is what they are trained to do.

So it’s not like her report would be completely pointless. They can explain to her things in an appropriate manner and will recognise that she is vulnerable. Even if the police can’t take it further, she can still be signposted to access support. Plus the intelligence will still be logged against the offender.

I don't think you are wrong about the human effect on your friend. I think it's actually true in a lot of emotionally charged cases - people think the court case will bring some sense of justice and closure, but that's not really the case so much of the time. The law is a very blunt instrument and gives blunt results. And it's more concerned with keeping social systems in order than it is with individuals.

I would tell your friend that you know a lot of cases don't go to trial even when they seem pretty good from the outside, and can be very difficult for the victim even in the best of cases, and suggest she go to a rape crisis or women's center to talk to someone about it. They can give her good advice about going to the police and also put her in touch with some other services which it sounds like she needs.

Also what is all this “she did not say no”?

Absence of a “no” is not a “yes”. It literally says she made clear she did not want it he overpowered her and pinned her down.How does that suggest enthusiastic consent.

That said I support your concern for your friend’s mental health. I know from women around me that reporting rape can be a brutal experience, almost as violating as the rape itself.

Maybe just be as honest with her as you have here. That you do think she was raped, that she is right to feel how she feels but all your concerns and the likelihood of it going to trial. But the decision must be hers.

Recently she met a man who sexually assaulted her. I am trying to remain objective: it was borderline. She didn’t explicitly say ‘no’, but he overpowered her and pinned her down and she made it clear that it wasn’t what she wanted.

I am struggling to see what is “borderline” about this.

She has asked me if I think she should report it to the police ‘so that it can go to trial’.

I think I would gently advise that if that is what she is hoping will come from reporting, it's unlikely.

Well historically I think you are right in that “word on word” rapes weren’t prosecuted. However times are changing. There are new procedures to follow that this is not a reason to dismiss the case. CPS are taking more cases like this to trial to let the jury decide.

Unless there are seriously undermining factors, her case could well go to trial.

That said, from what you say, would she cope with the trial? Does she know what it entails? Does she want to go to court and give the evidence? She can be supported by ISVAs throughout the investigation process.

I would get her to have a look at the CPS website, to help her decide.