To think I’m pushing it with my employer?

Lots of people have made the point about splitting days with DH which I agree with.

In your position I’d also try and see whether I could also find some emergency childcare. If you’ve got any family members not too far away? Or a babysitter who lives reasonably locally? You might still need to take the first sick day off to organise but afterwards you can work from whilst ds’s home with the other person caring for him.

Do you and DH both have weekends off? If so I would look at making up time on a weekend day if you’ve had time off in the week. Whilst your employer can’t expect you to do that, I think it’ll be worth it to feel a bit more positive about your own performance.

It gets easier mine always seemed to have caught something from nursery now they hardly get ill both in primary now. Also if he's not major I'll give him calpol and send him in ask them to give him it in the day also sometimes I kept mine off and they perked right up after a calpol and could of gone in.

He can make up his days when you are off surely? If he takes a day midweek then he can work a Saturday to cover that lost day?

Most people do understand that babies pr children starting nursery will pick up every illness going. It's a tricky period to navigate, however it sounds like your performance needs to improve. I don't think they are giving you mixed messages just not biding the truth from you that while they understand your baby is falling ill there are consequences for your team in thar work is falling behind.

I employ people myself and I would want to see some willing to improve output if this had extended beyond a couole of months.

Can ypu offer making up time from home? If you've missed 20 hours even making up 5 would have a massive impact. Or would an agreement to work from home 100% during this bedding in period help? There must be something you can think of ypu can offer informally to help yout team grt back on track.

No employer wants to feel exploited, if your husband can't take more of thr load I would try to do something like the above. It will be appreciated.

Since I went back to work in november my son's had two sickness bugs, cold, cough and flu. You need to be taking turns when it comes to sickness days with your husband and also asking family or friends to help you out. When I can't get as much done I will catch up with work when my son goes to bed at 7pm, if possible I would also start doing this to take some pressure off your team.

"I mentioned that I don’t think my performance / productivity is up to scratch because I’m taking so much time out for DC"

Stop doing this, a man would never admit this, he'd portray himself as number one employee and super dad in one. Stop talking yourself down, and just get on with the job. As they say, never explain, never complain.

What are you on about, they totally exist. Sad for you you don't think so.

Your employers might genuinely be nice, and recognise that this is a short-term situation in the scheme of things. Very likely it is, you know. It feels massive to you right now, but you're not even talking till he's in school. Just until he hopefully starts getting ill a bit less. Maybe they recognise that you're doing your best and maybe you're not slipping as much as you think you are. Just thoughts.

There's the conceptual side of this that you're not being unreasonable, and likely everyone, including your boss and co-workers, would agree with that. Then there are probably people in your team who ended up going home late or having to take on extra work/stress because you weren't there, or teams relying on your team that are getting input late and that's screwing up their deadlines. And yes, realistically, they'll be getting fed up.

So absolutely, you need to look at better emergency childcare options, it's hopefully short-lived, but you and DH need to balance it better or find backup such as emergency nannies. But also take a step back and look at the workload of the whole team. Is there a better way to spread things? Is there work you can pick up at home more easily and deal with whilst with DC, which can ease your team's workload or speed up output? Are all the processes as efficient as they could be? You're the manager, so you need to manage this situation (as you would have to if it was one of your team members taking time off) and improve your team's output and response times because, ultimately, that's what you earn your salary for.

I think you’re looking at this wrong, you’ll potentially loose your only job. He’ll disappoint one or two of many customers. Tradespeople are renowned for letting timescales slip. I’m sure in most jobs when it’s painted is not crucial. He explains and is honest.

@Purpleturtle46 Thank you for the reply :)

( judging by the time, I presume you're not teaching later on today 😊 - do you teach part-time?)

I (genuinely) wonder about the fact that people in employment can take paid time off for family emergencies / child care, but people who are self employed can't ...............

I think we get a small number of paid days, can't remember exactly what and then it's unpaid. Outwith COVID and all the isolations (which they made an exception for) I have never gone over my allocation (touch wood) so not sure how strict they are with it in practice.

My MIL is great at taking the kids last minute which has avoided some days off but I wouldn't ask if they were miserable or contagious.

@Purpleturtle46 I am a teacher and my husband is self employed in a similar role to yours. When my children are ill I am under huge pressure to come in. However as you say if my husband doesn't work then he doesn't get paid. It's been most worse since COVID as this 'key worker's narrative has evolved where my employer thinks that he should miss his work over me.

As a teacher, do you still get paid for taking days off for any days you take off to look after your ill DC, or are they taken as unpaid leave? (genuine question)

We have a similar job set up and no 'default parent' is needed if you take it in turns.

To me this makes no sense as surely your child is more likely to get ill if ill children are allowed to go!

I am the same situation as you, I am a teacher and my husband is self employed in a similar role to yours. When my children are ill I am under huge pressure to come in. However as you say if my husband doesn't work then he doesn't get paid. It's been most worse since COVID as this 'key worker's narrative has evolved where my employer thinks that he should miss his work over me.

I think the only fair way is to split it between us. Luckily with my kids being older they are ill much less. I hate it when people think you should ask GPs to help too, fine for some illnesses but nothing contagious.

I don’t think a childminder would look after your children if they were sick, I’m pretty sure they have the same rules and policies as Nursery. A poorly child just needs to rest at home with mum or dad and you will have to figure out a solution between you. It’s really difficult

I had fantastic t&C's at work. However I was asked to take on extra, great for CV and experience and additional aspect to my job, it was voluntary but involved a fair amount of travelling and rolled on an annual commitment.
It all worked fine until DS was doing his GCSEs and I said I couldn't attend a 6 day stint at an event.
My boss was fuming and told me the organisation were fed up of standing in as the df and I'd have to speak to him for childcare. My DC's df lives in France now and they knew this.
I was within my rights and knew it.
Just saying read your t&C's and work hard to the rules.
It's not right you should be expected to look after DC poorly or appointment attendance AND work!

My DH took plenty of days off when our kids needed when he was a self employed painter/decorator. That was the biggest perk of the job. Also juggling time around to attend things like special school days. Making up for it by working earlier and/or later and occasionally weekends. It's much harder now he is a teacher.

Uggghhhhhh, and this is why there's a gender pay gap. It's so insidious.

Sacrificing your own reputation and career to protect his, and you didn't really notice until it was pointed out to you.

aww OP sounds super tough. No experience of this stage yet as still on Mat leave with my 1st but plenty of friends / family and must be hard when trying to get back into work / hit the ground running when been out for a considerable amount of time and then also look after poorly little one.

After your update sounds like planning to work things around DH a bit more where possible. It must be so hard when one of you is self employed as there is not that security of wages every month, but glad it’s possible for you to work in some leeway with your partner. Just wanted to give a handhold as super hard trying to do it all and do the best for your family whilst being the best you can be for work. Hopefully once out of winter the illnesses will be less !

Nah, sorry, your husbands business should be the one taking the hit for your mutual decision to have a child - not someone elses!

He needs to concentrate on building his business to suit his home life, that, after all is surely why people are self employed, at least to some extent.

Your employer may be fine now but it won't take much - various other staff members starting to complain about the excess work-load as they take up the slack you're leaving them - before they stop being fine about it.

Putting the guaranteed and dependable salary at risk to protect the variable and less dependable salary is a foolish move.

OP, you need to be very careful here. If I were your employer I'd be thinking you're taking the piss, quite frankly. I know it's hard with small DC who are constantly picking up bugs. Your DH needs to step up. At least he's self employed and can take time off.

I also have had a tradesperson need to take the odd day off for childcare. This is perfectly valid and I wasn’t in the least put out. Your dh needs to step up to protect your job.

I love the until your child’s immunity is stronger bit- roll on school time where kids end up out sick because of what’s being spread around!!

I agree your dh needs to hit the trenches as much as you but it does result in two broken people who are on edge and fighting whenever kids are sick (terrible because in an ideal world you should only have to think about one of you being there for your child as opposed to the crap that goes with it)

You can’t really win being a parent (it was after too many years of both of us trying to placate managers and being unable to afford childcare that I became a sahm and then myself and dh got stressed over only having one wage in the house). Hope things get easier somehow op

So your colleagues are doing more of your work now you're back from mat leave than they did before you came back?

Doesn't that really impact the team dynamics? Like what is the point of your job if your colleagues can do it without you?