To think I’m pushing it with my employer?

Exactly! People are so hyper focused on "everything should be 50-50, that they lose all reason and practicality. It does not matter if the dh has to take of a day each week, effectively losing a quarter of his months work time. ( one week out of 4). Thus only getting 3/4 of his salary as long as he does his fair share!
The family can be poorer, but at least work is doled out fairly. It is just ridiculous.

Childminders absolutely do not take sick children. If they catch the bugs, they too are self employed and cannot afford to be off work to not get paid.
Your DH needs to split the sick days with you 50/50. This will protect the team’s frustration with you and go in your favour with line management.

Lots of people can't comprehend this and choose to just judge instead. Reality is we do what's best for our families, in this case I'd do the same as you and OP!

This. It is ridiculous to say her DH must take days off. If I had a decorator coming who said he'd be done in a week and then takes 2 because his kid was ill 3 times, I wouldn't find it funny at all. Someone in a salaried job is in a way better position to take time off.
You also have to think long term, if they want a second DC then OP will inevitably take time off for mat leave. ( DH physically cannot give birth) Would you have this family with no income/ only mat leave pay since DH job was not prioritised?

Exactly. There are loads of dads in their work stuff on the school runs here - loads drop the kids off in the van, work until 3 and pick them up again after!

When my Dc were young, my DH did not get sick pay from his job, and any time off for emergency childcare was unpaid. Why we’re literally living from paycheck to paycheck every month. Him losing a couple of days pay would have been the difference between paying the mortgage or eating, things were that tight. So in reality, if our DC were ill, I took the time off (paid) to care for them.

You are entitled to parental leave. It is unpaid, but you should use it.

I had a very sick child who had lots of operations and that’s what I used.

Dont work from home with a sick child. I would consider that an absence.

Be careful because you are showing the company that they can actually manage without you.

A decorator? Decent ones are rare as hens teeth. I wait months for my one and he comes to me after he does the school run and never works beyond 2pm on a Friday. He tells clients that and if they aren't happy then so be it. He is so good people wait.

He also leaves extra time between jobs in case they over run so he sometimes asks to start earlier but very rarely pushes back (I don't think he ever has).

He is playing you for a fool.

Just out of interest, if your job was fully office based do you think youd still keep your DS at home from nursery as much or are you possibly just not sending him in because hes a bit under the weather? Im not saying he should go in if he’s really poorly, btw!

Um,.,.how would your feel if DH employee thought the same as you when working for DH?

As a manager I completely understand that when little kids are nursery age they get every bug going, especially the first winter. I even warn parents that’s what will happen.

But my bugbear is “I have to take the time off because my DH is self employed”. Even when it was someone very senior who definitely earnt way more than her DH.

And yet funnily enough every female friend I know who is self employed does all the last-minute childcare because they are self employed and therefore flexible, and their DH can’t have his inflexible important job impacted.

So basically it’s a male-female thing not an employed-self employed thing, and drives me mad.

So as a manager I’d start to get a bit tetchy about now regarding the dad not doing his fair share.

When your DC can't go to nursery, are you able to get some work done when they are asleep or in the evening after your DH is home? As you are set up to work from home, could you catch up with your work at the weekend when your DH is there to look after your baby?

A lot of your work must be falling on your team to do, so I would imagine that they may be becoming resentful and complaining to your manager.

I'm not sure why your DH's job is being prioritised so that he never does the child care or doctor's appointments. Surely as he is self employed he has some flexibility.

Being self-employed doesn't mean your DH gets to opt out of everything parent related during the week.

If I were you I'd get him doing more of the school runs and prioritise getting yourself into the office for the three days you're supposed to be there. Then split sick days etc. between you.

Both DH and I are self-employed - we don't even have children and have both had to take various days off over the years for sickness, elderly relatives or sick animals. It happens and it's really not the end of the world or the end of your business.

Yes, you lose some income but that's something you need to factor into your overall costs. As a decorator, presumably DH could also offer to do a weekend day instead if he has to take a weekday off.

Could you at all afford a nanny at home for a month or two?The reality is, back-to back illnesses don't really build immunity. What happens is that baby is ill and before he has fully recoverd he is sent back to the germs. His body never really gets time to fight the infection. As soon as it has been 24 or 48 hours after vomiting say, he back to getting up early and being in nursery. And it is a double whammy because yes he is back at the germs but more importantly he cannot sleep. rest and eat as much as he needs to fully recover. It is just go go go with the rest of the kids' schedule at nursery. If at all possible I would keep him home with a nanny for a month or 3 so that his immunity can get stronger. Contrary to popular belief, children's immunity get stronger as they age, not through how many nasty bugs they've had. Think of a newborn. No -one says "remember to let everyone kiss him now and if there is an illness around, have a party so that he can build his immunity" No, we say, keep him home, keep him away from the illnesses, he need to build his immunity through skin-to skin contact with mum, breastmilk, you name it. Maybe your baby needs another few months at home. It has got to be utterly miserable to be sick to often

But your job performance and reputation coul DD be taking a beating if this keeps going. The fact you get to keep your salary doesn't mean your job is unaffected and your job isn't less important than his.

Hmmm

Totally depends. Are you getting the job done around childcare? We are flexible so as long as the job is done, short term problems would be accepted. Or tasks changed, we had an employee with cancer who wanted to stay working rather than go sick- we worked around them.

Local Authority put up with short and long term sickness for decades.
We now have a new Head of Service who will not tolerate it and he will say it’s time to ‘get rid of them’. Depends what the reason is obviously.

I would be told to tell you to take unpaid leave/time off for dependants in the circumstances you describe, I’d have to record every conversation. Then eventually begin the process with HR if things didn’t improve.
If your manager is supportive then it’s great for you in the short term, I’d worry about never progressing there though and what my colleagues thought if this were to carry on.

Everyone sounds reasonable. Manager understands, team possibly struggling woth workload, you feeling guilty.

My childminder did not take sick children so worth checking before moving. Also less cover if childminder sick.

Could you catch up ok your workload in evenings after dh is home if your dc is ill?

Hello. I’ve got some suggestions. My DH is also self employed and I’m employed FT. We have a baseline that he is kind of in charge of child related stuff Mon-Wed and I do Thurs-Sun. This doesn’t mean the other doesn’t do anything on those days, it’s more that if stuff comes up we’ve worked things out so he has more flexibility towards the start of the week and me at the end. We obviously swop things around when unexpected things happen as and when we need to. We also used a childminder for a few years 2 days a week when it was difficult to have the flexibility. Now and again my mum helped too (she had to travel some distance to do so). I don’t think I ever missed a day due to my DD being ill as between us we had it covered. It also meant our DD has such a great relationship with my DH and my mum and would love daddy or grandma days. Anyway, just some thoughts.

Why don't you take a few days of annual leave to help navigate these first few weeks. I think for me the issue is that you're taking some leave days that are not really clearly documented because you don't know how many you have. At some point it will be "too many" and then you'll be a bit stuck. So if you took some annual leave, maybe to cover a day or so per week and DH also wound things down to cover another day or two, you could probably cover most sickness.
Your commute seems very long which isn't going to help long term, so you may want to put in a flexible working application to work from home more days or look for a job that's more convenient.

This,! Your DH needs to share the burden. It shouldn't all be on you. If someone is self employed it is usually them who find it easier to take days off. I think you're making excuses for your DH.

I voted that you are being unreasonable.

I don't mean to be harsh but your DH needs to take his share of the burden here.

We had a deal - the first 9 months of work after maternity leave my DH had to deal with the sick days.

First, I felt it only fair as I had already taken off a lot of time during mat leave when DH had only taken 2 weeks paternity leave.

Second, it is really hard going back to work after maternity leave. Although it shouldn't be held against you, in reality it is. Not necessary by bosses but by your peers who have usually had to pick up the slack. I wanted to get back in there and build back my goodwill.

Ok, he is self employed but that should make his working day more flexible, surely? He just doesn't want to. My DH didn't either - 9 times out of 10 he drafted his mother in but, it wasn't my problem to solve. After the 9 months we took it in turns (but it wasn't such an issue then anyway).

If you knew you wouldn't be able to make 3 days in the office I really think you should have been upfront about that and ask for flexible working arrangements.

Also - if you think it is difficult now then school will be even worse for you.

No, you are not pushing it with your employer, you are pushing it with you colleagues who have to pick up the slack

Bravo, bravo, bravo.

I think your workplace is supportive while you’re figuring things out. You can’t expect more than that.

Something’s got to give. Husband could take a day off during the week enabling you to work a third day in the office. You could look for a job closer to home - long commutes and nursery pick-ups hardly ever work. You could pay for extra childcare at the end of the nursery day - a nursery worker perhaps or a student/retired neighbour who wants to make extra money.

Don’t beat yourself up. It’s hard. Be open with your team that you want to do more and are working things out.

You CANNOT take unwell children to a childminder!
People are saying that with there being less children in the setting your child is less likely to get ill, and that they are more likely to allow your child back if they're well again 24 hours later rather than enforcing 48 hours.
No one should be using a childminder because they think it means they can send an unwell child!