To think I’m pushing it with my employer?

Then surely the OP should be checking their employer’s policies on leave??

Yes there is legislation around the right to unpaid parental leave, but the OP is taking paid time off.

As far as I’m aware, there is no requirement for employers to pay for leave related to children’s sickness??

I don't think I would have raised the fact your performance isn't up to scratch with management. But, their response seems supportive to me. You raised the issue of poor performance, they acknowledged the problem but stressed that you couldn't help the current situation, which will hopefully start to improve once we get through winter. I don't see that as a mixed message. It would have landed them in the shit further down the line if they'd lied and said, 'no, no, everything is going well, the team is doing fine', and then the team gets hauled over the coals by senior management at a later date for failing to meet targets.

You recognise that issues outside of work are impacting your job. So far, management are supportive, but that won't last forever. I think you need to develop a better long-term plan for when childcare issues arise. You said your job is well paid - can you afford to pay a childminder to do drop off/pickup on the third day you're supposed to be in the office? If your child is sick, can you afford to pay for emergency childcare at home? Would it work out better if you pulled your child from nursery and hired a nanny? I've no idea which of these options may be within your budget, but I think it's worth exploring solutions - including your DH pulling his weight. Men seem to think being self employed means they get to leave all the plate-juggling to someone else so they can focus on their very important job...yet self employed women seem to manage it all...

For future, do not ever be the one to suggest that you're falling short. You're basically volunteering an admission of failing.

As others have said, your DH needs to step up. Your employer is obligated to say what they are saying to avoid discrimination. I have previously worked on a small team with someone who was constantly off due to having a sick child, left early every day for pick up and was always given first dibs on annual leave. They also ended up being given more wfh time.

I never said a word to the woman but from the perspective of a colleage, it is incredibly frustrating constantly having to pick up the slack and I felt soo much resentment towards both my employer and this member of staff.

I work in HR. It is ok actually. That’s why there is legislation covering it. To show it’s ok.

If employers don’t like it then tough shit, they shouldn’t be running a business if they don’t want to comply with legislation, to be blunt. Employees have a legal right to time off for dependants. Whether that time off is paid or not is down to the individual employer, so if they choose to pay it then they don’t really have any cause to be complaining that employees are being paid for it.

My DH is self employed. Wouldn’t dream of asking him to miss a day of work for a sick child when I get paid for X number of days a year. After they are used I can use holiday leave. After that I can use unpaid leave, still better financial sense than well paid DH to miss a day of pay. Please don’t ask me to cry for the employer. I don’t owe them a favour and I don’t owe them loss of household income because my child is sick, when I have the option of doing the above. Think you are very misguided to think anyone should do.

OP I feel for you. First few months of nursery are rough. It gets better!

Also, his "employer" i.e. client changes every few weeks I'd think. So he only has to annoy them once by taking half a day with an ill child.

Your employer is the same, and you'll be annoying them multiple times.

As others have said, your DH needs to step up - maybe he needs to work Saturday morning to make up lost time. Swap out the nursery for a childminders- way less bugs and remember this isn’t for ever. The first year back from maternity was shite for me as well, but it does get better. I’m sure there were plenty of occasions s before the baby when you went above and beyond at work - now it’s payback time.

You're pushing it with your employer, and you're pushing it with your colleagues. Something needs to change

It does get better/easier as they get older. I remember feeling like this with my work - just try and remember this is only for a short period of time. The first winter at nursery is awful for wee one’s - they catch everything. When I went back from maternity leave after my first born I had 2 instances of him not being well enough/sent home from nursery all within the first 3 weeks, it was such a stressful time. After we got that first winter over with it’s not been anywhere near as difficult to juggle. Try and be kind to yourself.

Childminders do not take sick children. They will be just as strict as nurseries on illnesses as they follow the same regulations.

However, it is not normal for your child to be sent home from nursery every week. I would look into this closer as I know of a nursery that would send children home due to them being short staffed and over ratio. Is your child actually ill when they are sent home?

Your DH needs to share the childcare, consider a nanny or do you have relatives that could step in an emergency?

That is the wrong attitude. You will have to take a bit of a financial hit. Think of your team and your colleagues - they are picking up your work. To be frank I wouldn’t work for you and and I wouldn’t work with you. But I would be supportive if I was your boss.

your team will start to leave because it isn’t fair. You either need to pay for a different type of childcare which can take your baby when he is sick or your husband needs to make some sacrifices:

So, your husband won't lose money in order to ensure his own child is looked after but you expect your employer to bear the cost instead.

Is your employer the father of your baby and not your husband?

If so, crack on.

If not, you and your husband are taking the piss by expecting a biological stranger to bear the cost.

Yes this!! Own it, OP. You’re doing your best. Your attitude will speak volumes to your employer 👏

Obviously don’t start out by expecting it / asking them if they do that - they’ll probably say no 🤣 But I’ve found as we’ve developed a relationship it’s been a lot more flexible than nursery. Meet a few different ones if you decide on this route. Good luck x

I’m a director in a company and have seen countless women go through this period, some with more or less luck than others. Unless you work in a completely draconian place with horrible co-workers, I’d hedge my bets that no one really cares and they are all just getting on with it as the season it is.

Just quoting the poster above as it is important :

And stop saying things like 'don’t think my performance / productivity is up to scratch'. It highlights and draws attention to the problem and no man would say it. Ever.

Dh is self employed and needs to do half the illness cover.
If you are not performing as well because you are also looking after I'll child, when husband comes home, work some of the time back you have missed in the day.

Hopefully it's just a blip while DS builds his immune system. It happens.

If your boss has kids they'll understand. But do try and get DH to pickup some of the slack.

I also work in such an organisation. It is healthcare allied, so they have more than a little understanding of people getting sick, needing time for their families. We are actively encouraged to take time out for sports days, school plays etc, and they are flexible around childcare needs. I supervise an all female team, half of whom have children below school age and another 1/3 who have school age ones. I have another with a very sick husband who needs help regularly too. I have an elderly parent that I have had to support a lot recently, due to the other parent dying. We all take the time we need for our parenting or other family responsibilities, whether that is from sickness or other. Having a family friendly culture is incredible for employee recruitment and retention as well as overall morale.

I am sorry you have not found similar.

@NameChanged25 Having said the above, I do think you need to be a bit smarter in your thinking here . Your company know that when you are at full capacity, you are a good employee and worker and that the first winter back is the toughest. They are right, and looking to the mid- to long-term. But for your colleagues and their families, if they have to stay late, who are impacted by it weekly at the moment, that is scant compensation. My team only have to cover each other's work if one is on holiday, as we can flex around sickness etc. If resentment is building, you need to make some changes pronto. If you lose your job, it will get a lot harder for your family. An occasional day of lost income for your husband will be much easier replaced than an entire salary.

And stop saying things like 'don’t think my performance / productivity is up to scratch'. It highlights and draws attention to the problem and no man would say it. Ever.

PS I would be delighted to have an honest tradesman for non-urgent work like decorating who said sorry, going to have to start late/finish early, need to look after my baby. Or needed to switch days etc. It would show he is putting his partner and family ahead of himself. I like that in people I ask to work on my house.

It’s a tough one. On one hand of course parents need some protection when it comes to sick DC and work. I believe that there is parenting leave available for a week unpaid and then you could take unpaid leave to cover the rest.

Perhaps your manager is unhappy, but can’t say anything because they are wary of laws and discrimination.

On the other side I feel for your colleagues. At any one time at least a third of my colleagues are off sick or dealing with an issue at home. I’ve not had a day off sick for 13 months. I’m one of a few that have to do our own job and pick up the slack. I’m exhausted and I’m over it, and I’m looking for another job. Your colleagues may be feeling the same.

Your child care is not suitable.
Is there any other time during the week when you can routinely make up work hours of an evening or an afternoon when DC sleeps, or on a weekend while DH minds the baby?

You could work more than the three days until you feel that you are doing your fair share of work. I imagine your boss could not ask you to do this but you still might be able to informally put in more hours in a helpful way at your own insistance.

OP says he travels with work so I'm assuming he's a commercial decorator. Does he have any staff OP?

Edited to add: whatever it is he does he needs to step up - especially now you have highlighted your under-performance to your boss!

And you need to be finding ways to make up hours / catch up with work!

Honestly it’s just like this for the first year. The second year is better when their immune systems are better/they stop licking all the germ ridden stuff. I felt I was pushing my luck when I was newly back at work but the second year is so much better.

What @schoolfeeslave said!

If the DH is polite and does a good job the clients will wait - there's such a shortage of all trades.

I had to wait 6 months last year for a painting job from my (very popular for good reason) contractor.