To tell her she’s not a princess?

I have a family member who talks about her boyfriend batthing her, makes me feel sick 🤢

My DP treated me like a princess during and post failed induction and emergency C-section, but we’ve been together twelve years and he’d just watched me go through hell in labour for six days followed by major surgery.

He fed me several meals when I was stuck lying down in bed having endless monitoring during my induction, then after the section he carefully brushed, washed and dried my sweaty, matted hair, washed my actual arse crack because I couldn’t twist round to reach and pulled up several adult nappies for me until I could do it myself 😂

I wouldn’t want or expect him to treat me like that under any other circumstances, though!

Has she asked you for relationship advice or your opinion?

If so, I'd probably ask questions designed to get her thinking about what she really wants and needs, and what to look for and avoid in future. Rather than telling her what she should/shouldn't do or comparing her to your own relationship.

@MerryMaker I read that book after a broken marriage, and referred to it over a number of years during a subsequent relationship of 13 years. Which had mental abuse traits. I felt it was very useful in parts and it taught me a lot about my insecurities.
I may even still have it, a further 11 years later but I don't refer to it these days as I now know what I do and don't want.
@Ladyinwaitingroom I'd recommend it to your friend.

I’m torn because I don’t think you, being in a happy stable relationship will be able to make her suddenly see sense as you haven’t had to dare the way she has (am mid 40s and married since 27 and having listened to some of my single friends it is such a minefield out there. I hang back and support but advice is a toughie as what do I really know?)

My belief is that if you seek to be put on a pedestal, this isn’t going to be a mature, equal relationship is it? It’s almost ironic that she is initially made to feel like they are somehow subservient to her because it’s really they who hold all the power in the relationship. She is seeking a fantasy life that doesn’t exist

It actually does exist. But she's not likely to get it with a bad boy.

I am happily married and I would describe the power share in my relationship as 50/50. I would not want to be treated like a princess, and in fact the idea makes me feel nauseous and uncomfortable. I very much love my husband and I feel loved by him but I believe the ‘princess’ concept is a fallacy perpetuated by Disney movies in the 90s and at some point we all have to grow up and recognise that a healthy relationship is not a fairytale.

That's you though. Other people want different dynamics in their relationships.

No don't tell her.
Recommend a book to her that might help. Is The Women Who Love Too Much relevant to her? You know the kind of self help book in a pastel cover, but with decent advice inside.

Well, thirty years later, my husband always brings me breakfast in bed. The only time he has put my socks on though was when I put my back out.

Weird OP.

You may end up in divorce too OP. Try not to judge others. We are all just on a journey through life.

Personally, best thing for me is being independent and solo, travelling, son grown up - his dad left me with a 6-month-old baby, adult now. He's turned out just fine.

I love my single life! oh and I have had lots of exciting adventures and relationships too

Jeez, @Ladyinwaitingroom ..If a partner tried to put my socks on, I'd feel about Ninety five.

That's not very sexy, is it..?
^^
''Give me your foot, dear..Goodness me, when did you last cut your toenails?
^^
There we go, now where are your shoes? there you are, wiggle your feet into these shoes, do you want me to tie your laces for you?''

I'm just talking about the idea of being a princess. "Daddy's little princess." Fairytales, soulmates and happily ever after.

I believe he was putting on her socks, not washing her.

There is a massive, massive difference between wanting to dress up in an amazing outfit for one day and have a massive party, and wanting your supposed life partner to assist you with washing and dressing.

I dunno, she might get lucky. There seem to be quite a lot of men who like to be dominated and/or instructed to buy gifts. It's all a foreign land to me - but maybe she needs to be more demanding to find one of these nutters gentlemen?

A lot of women want to be a princess though don't they? Sometimes spending tens of thousands on a wedding and a big dress, desperate for the Disney ending.

Unless she has some sort of disability which means she can't put her own socks on, this is a bit bleurgh. This would be massively off putting to most people.

I would want my partner to cook for me, make me cups of tea, give me lifts, buy me treats, say and do nice things, prioritise my feelings, but I would expect to do those things for a partner too. I absolutely hate feet, so would not be prepared to put someone else's socks on if they were capable of doing it themselves, so I wouldn't expect it to be done for me either.

Does she work, surely if she does she knows the reality of the world and is not treated like a princess there?
If she likes bad boys and has a history of dating those kinds of men, it’s very unlikely ( in my opinion) that she is going to change type at the age she is now as the non bad boy types would probably seem to boring in her mind

Not sure where to start with this. I have been happily with my DH for 25 years. He has had to put my socks on for me, and done it willingly, when I’ve had abdominal surgery and been unable to do it myself. He has always treated me, ‘his woman folk’ (I would come back to this but as yet have no way to time travel to the 1950s) very well. What that looks like in an healthy relationship is as an equal partner. Not a pwincess who needs to be treated as a child.

If that's what she's after then what does it matter to you ? There are men out there that treat their women folk well like that.

The only time my partner helped me put my socks on was when I had a broken leg and couldn't bend very well 🤣🤣 your friend is living in cloud cuckoo land

I think most of the time people know the truth, deep down, but they refuse to acknowledge it. Maybe they can't help it, maybe it's too difficult to change, or maybe they simply like things that are bad for them. It's not uncommon.

I don't think I would try to teach her the error of her ways. At her age, she probably knows it already but is too set in her ways to change. Unless she asked me specifically for my opinion of her choice of partners and how she can finally achieve a healthy relationship, I don't think I'd offer one.

This.
Shes delulu & is only going to make herself very very vulnerable if she keeps pursuing Disney romances rather than adult relationships.

It sounds like she would benefit from being single, having therapy and learning about healthy, adult relationships.

I think I’d ask her why she is attracted to men who treat her like an actual child within a sexual relationship, and see if that hits home at all.