How common was EOW in the early 90s?

Gosh EOW in the early 90s seems a lot and very enlightened for the time. After my parents split in 1993 my sister and I saw my dad maybe one day at a weekend every fortnight. Certainly never stayed over at his house. He basically took us for a day out twice a month. I wouldn’t have wanted to see him EOW to be honest - would’ve been bored just hanging round his house.

It’s weird reading these, some think any dad who doesn’t do 50/50 is lazy. Then others say 50/50 isn’t good for the kids, and I’ve seen this a lot.

I think my stance is EOW, 1 midweek and be as available as possible outside of that on a natural and progressive way.

My parents divorced in the late 80’s.

Me and my sister lived with our mom, we spent 3 consecutive weekends with our dad and then the fourth weekend was spent with our mom.

Our mom would take us to his house every Saturday morning and he’d drive us home on the Sunday evening.

I think pretty much all of my friends whose parents were separated did EOW back then, but then most of the mums where we were didn't work either, so it was seen as more practical, I suppose (not that I think that makes it right).

My parents separated in the early 1990s. We used to go to my dad’s house from around 2pm on Saturday to after dinner on Sunday, roughly every 3 weekends in 4. There was not a formal EOW agreement.

As far as I remember we sometimes saw my dad one evening a week for the first year at least and during the school holidays.

I have court ordered 50:50 and my kids hate it. They don't like not having one base and they don't like not seeing their mum for 5 days at a time, which is a long time when you're young.

Courts do things that you would never be expected to do as an adult, ie would you like to move back and fourth to a different house 5 days then 2 days then 5 days then 2 days and so on and so on effectively forever?

Would you like to forever be stressing about whether you've forgotten something and left it at the other house, whether it be toys, the homework / library book you were meant to have handed in, the sports kit etc etc?

Would you like to have two completely different routines and set of expectations depending on which house you're in?

Would you have liked to have spent 5 days at a time away from the parent who did 99% of your care before your parents seperated and instead spend 5 days with the parent who preferred having affairs to seeing his children and now you have 50% of time with him and someone else's mum, who would rather you weren't there?

And yes it massively reduced the maintenance he pays as well as ensured that he got a bigger share of the family estate than if he had reduced custody.

Yep, half holidays is what I’d want too. I must admit 50/50 seems disruptive to me on the face of it, even with parents living close together. But I don’t have experience of it.

Thanks, I really appreciate this. I’m reading so much up on it, to try and gauge what’s best. I think willing, compromise, don’t be stubborn and always put them first and hopefully it will be the best of a shitty situation,

I actually think it's best, plus half holidays.

My dad didn't stick to it, I went months without seeing him and he didn't even have a bed for me. So my situation wasn't good.

But I think EOW, with their own room, or space in a shared room with their own bed, wardrobe with clothes. Is the best.

5050 is not fair on the kids. It's fair on the parents. I have been in a situation where I was split between two houses, as an adult, in control of the situation. But it was so unsettling. You need a home, yes you need to see both parents but you need a stable home and stable consistent life.

@4Candle I applaud your intent and effort, it’s such a difficult situation with so many different factors. Me and my ex split a year ago, and honestly we are only just on talking terms now. We played along for the kids so they never saw or heard anything but we were both incredibly unreasonable.

I think you’re doing everything you can do, you can only go into it with honesty and willingness, and hope everything else falls into place. Good luck 🙂

I’d be open to that, what I really want is a flexible arrangement that can change as they get older and have different needs. For example I say EOW/1 midweek as a minimum, but likewise if ex wants me to have them the in between weekend, or 1 day over that weekend as extra then I’d happily do it. I’d always do the drive down to collect them and see them etc (I find it odd when the ex husband moves away and expects the mum to do the travel). There’s no one else for either of us, anything like that which probably makes this all a bit clearer at this stage. I’m just tied with my job too meaning school pick ups for me would be hard, although I plan to speak to work about flexible working. If I could get down there for at least one school pick up a week to/from. That would sure make my exes life easier.

By moving to where I want I have family, friends (grandparents, cousins etc) and I could afford a nice little 2 bed house and make it most welcoming for them to stay. One of my best mates got divorced not long ago, he’s renting near his ex which is miles away and he’s so depressed. He isn’t from there and has no friends, it did make me think by sacrificing so much to be near his child he’s basically become a shell of what he was and now his kid has a miserable father.

There’s so many grey shades with this sort of thing, I’ve also no idea how my ex will be when it all comes to it, she’s been incredibly unreasonable during the relationship hence the split. But my approach is to go in with a willing to do what’s best; be realistic and compromise. And ultimately what’s best for the kids is the best solution. I want to be active, I want to be involved. But it’s a huge balance so any ideas appreciated, thankyou,

@4Candle I really hope you manage to sort something. Could it work taking them out for dinner somewhere cheap and cheerful? Not great for every week but even McDonald’s or something nearby to your ex wife? In the summer you could do park picnics nearby meaning you don’t need to be in her space.

In the mid 90s my dad had me EOW. I was only tiny. Once I started school he was always there for the important stuff even though he lived an hour away. He never ever missed a weekend. He wanted so much more but it wasn’t allowed (DM decided).

He attended every single parents evening, tried to pick me up when he worked in the area, and spoke to me most days on the phone. Every sports day, every after school event, he was there as DM didn’t bother.

Me and my dad have the best relationship, and I know he’d have had me more if he could. When I got to 16 and could leave school at lunchtime I used to walk to his work for lunch (took 5minutes from school) once a week. Even at uni I used to pop by and see him once a week, and when I had my DD he used to come and see me and DD once a week on his way home. He also always paid without fail when I was small and provided me with a bank account and pocket money. He used to accommodate me seeing my school friends on “his” weekends. He is absolutely everything a dad should be.

I wish my children’s dad made half as much effort as my own did.

Wow, that's extremely cruel of your mother. I'm sorry this was your experience.

Still the same, at least in the USA. Cousin divorced from wife, no affairs or similar just fell out of love with each other. She got the kids who were quite young. He got them EOW.

He was telling me about his DS's struggles with school. I suggested he help with Science or whatever but there simply wasn't enough time for him to make a difference. It's an awful arrangement.

Watching this thread with interest, father here about to go through a divorce. I feel I have no option but to move 50 minutes away from where my ex will base herself as quite simply I can’t afford anything else. She will walk away with the vast majority of equity from our house as I want that for her as primary caregiver.

I’m trying to go through the scenarios in my head about what’s possible. EOW and 1 night in the week (plus half holidays) I’m told is standard, it does seem low from what I’m used to but that’s divorce right? The midweek to me would seem a bit draining on the kids though with the drive to and from mine. I have suggested to my ex could I come down 1 or even 2 nights midweek for tea at hers. Although how practical that actually ends up being (I’d love it, but would my ex want me there twice a week in her house after time).

I’m also conscious of EOW when the kids are a bit older with regards Saturday clubs etc.

Tin hat on here, appreciate a bloke coming onto mumsnet and asking stuff like this will probably end up in abuse 😂but genuinely trying to work things out and open to ideas at this stage.

Of course my ex could move somewhere cheaper like I plan to (our kids aren’t at school yet) and we could co parent far more easily, with a more 50/50 approach. But she’s obsessed with living in this one town near London so not much else I can do.

Surely the split should depend on the type of people the parents are? If the dad or mum plonk their kids in front of the TV, can't cook them decent meals, have no time to listen to them, why should they get 50/50? I don't believe kids always need contact with both parents if those parents impact the child negatively, especially abusive parents who apparently can still get 50/50.

@Proteinpud he was reliable at least, the pick up was always during the phone in on Going Live (showing my age)

Same in that no space for any of our stuff at his but tbf, my sister refused to visit his house (shared with new partner and her daughter) quite early on so he did used to take us out to do actual stuff.

God, this thread has me feel really fucking sad!

I’d of been 5 in the 70s and my dad decided it was every weekend for my brother and I. He’d shove us in front of the telly whilst he got drunk then walk us home in the dark on purpose to frighten my mother. We’d bear the brunt of that as it was our faults I was 5 brother 4.

when mother remarried dad fucked of to Canada, then came back when I was 15 stating he was off again with his new wife who was 3 years older then me 🤮🤮. never spoke again after that and I’ve now discovered he’s in the Cotswolds on his own and I’ve been told I should visit am I hell he can fuck off

A lot of men do very little when they live with their family, my parents didn't split up and are still married but if they had, every other weekend would have been a lot more time in the company of my dad than we did have.

My ex moved an hour away and chose not to work so doesn't have space for the kids, if they stay over they sleep on the floor of his (not very big) bedroom at his mum's house. So that's why we don't do 50 50. To be fair even if that small amount of contact involves him doing more directly with the kids than when we lived together.

I think their relationship will be ok seeing them once a week in the day and occasional overnights as long as he puts the effort in. When he lived with us he was really unpleasant to them 75% of the time which can't have been great for their relationship either. The main problem is he won't commit to a regular schedule, it's always a text the night before or in a morning saying he wants to see them, which I don't think will be ideal when they are old enough to have more understanding

@JoeySchoolOfActing we had the same contact arrangement in the 80s/90s, never heard of anyone else having it!
Every other Saturday, pick up around 11, dropped off before tea. My mum told us it was all my dad could be bothered with, later found out my dad did go to court for more access but it was all he was awarded (not sure why tbh, there were no domestic abuse issues or similar - just a lot of animosity between the two of them)

For a few years he made the effort and took us swimming but after that it was only ever him dragging us around whatever he was doing on a weekend, which usually meant wandering around B&Q and then watching TV while he did DIY. Never had any belongings at his house beyond a few board games he bought for us, and certainly no space at his house that was ours.

Unsurprisingly we had no meaningful relationship with him, I stopped going in my teens, reconnected with him as an adult but only see him two or three times a year.

My parents split when I was 5 (1996)...Dad remarried a few years later and she had a son who was the same age as me. We went to the same primary school so Dad had me EOW Fri-Mon including school pick ups and drop offs, plus Wednesday & Thursday evenings every week.

I then went to a different secondary school around an hour's drive from my Dad's so I saw him EOW still, but he picked me up from school Friday and I went home to my Mum's Sunday evening. I preferred this as a kid though as I liked my own space (Mum had bigger house) and my drive to school was not as far. I wouldn't have liked all my things to be split between two houses and having to pack up a bag mid week when I was in my early teens...

EOW is quite subjective tbh, it can mean 1 night or 4 nights in a different scenarios.

I was the child of the "new family". My teenage sisters (half-siblings) came to us for the day every second Sunday and for tea fortnightly on a Tuesday. There was quite an age difference though and by the time they were 18-20 and I was 5ish, they would start to stay over on weekend evenings to babysit me while my parents went out. I don't remember them ever staying over prior to this, but I was obviously very young. As adults they would drop in whenever but the fortnightly sunday lunch has remained sacrosanct.

I don't really know why they have such a close relationship with our dad when they saw him so infrequently and these instances only increased when they were being used for babysitting duties. One of my sisters has spoken in recent years about her hurt about this and the fact that they were never invited on our family holidays. I'm glad they have maintained this relationship though as I have developed a close sisterly relationship with them.

My husband had his kids every weekend without fail when their mum had custody. When we did it was eow and Wednesday after school.

We were supposed to have EOW but most of the time my dad didn't turn up so gave up.
I still remember 2 of my siblings sat waiting for him.

I would have despised 50/50, I was a total mums girl and I'm also a home bird. I liked my own room and my things, plus I wanted to play out with my friends

I have a good relationship with my dad now but one of my brothers doesn't speak to him at all