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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to be upset with DS

169 replies

Justamumsopinion · 14/01/2025 21:09

My DC spends 2.5 days a week with her DGPs. My DD works full time and my DM works part time and cares for my DN. My DPs were very keen to be active grandparents and I've included them in my DCs life from the start. They adore my DC and have an incredible bond. We are extremely grateful to have their support as my DHs parents are not able to offer as much as they both work full time.

DS has had her second DC a few months ago and as a result has moved back to our home town. DS has some unusual views on parenting for example she wouldn't allow our parents to see their first DC for several weeks after they were born as she wanted protected family time etc. Her DC had not been allowed to sleep over my DPs house for the first year and she has very strict rules for when her DC visits. My DS also, up until recently lived in a different country. As a result my DPs have not been able to establish the same bond as they have with my DC.

My DS has asked me whether I would consider putting my daughter into nursery more so her DC can have protected time with my DPs. My DC is in nursery for 2 days and I have half day a week when we have some time together. My DS is struggling with managing her newborn with another DC. She is exclusively breastfeeding and will not allow the baby to be held by anyone else. Her DH works from home and does all the cleaning and washing and also supports with cooking. They have support from DHs family. His DM has their DC for 2 days per week. My DPs have offered to have her DC on the same days they have my DC but she wants them to offer separate days. My DPs are unable to do this as they work. As I feel my DS is struggling with her mental health so I have agreed to reducing my DCs time with her DGP by flexing my hours so I can work later in the evening when my DH is home so I spend an additional afternoon with my DC. This will only be possible if my DC continues to nap as I often have meetings in the day. If she stops napping, I will need to put my DC in nursery for an additional afternoon. I wouldn't mind doing this at all if my DS needed support with work or if my DPs found it difficult to have the DC together. My DS is on maternity leave and has a network of support whereas I work full time and have another DC (12) and only have my parents which to be honest is irrelevant. I don't send my DC to my DPs for reduce childcare costs (it's a bonus) I send her because they want that time with their DGC and it's what I had growing up.

For context, my DS is mortgage free, both have highly paid jobs and generous maternity. She only pays to send her DC to a playgroup for few hours each week. I'm upset that my arrangement with my DPs has been altered as a result of my DSs demands. I'm also upset that she wants me to put my DC into nursery for additional days whereas her DC doesn't go to nursery. Her DC spends 2 days a week with DHs parents and she has also been offered 2.5 days from my DPs.

Should I address this with my DS? Her DC will be able to go to school full time in a few months. Should I just ride it out?

Further context... My DC and her DC adore each other too. They love playing together and we often go for days out with my DS and her family.

Thanks for reading and sorry it's so long

OP posts:
SonnySun · 19/01/2025 17:45

It's up to your parents to decide what's the best arrangement for them. That's a lot of childcare.
Your child has spent a lot of time with the GPs and they clearly have the most wonderful bond. Perhaps your Dsis is worried that her child will be excluded when your DC is at your parents at the same time as hers? My DC certainly is less supervised, less taken care of when their niece is at the GP (they are very involved in her upbringing). The quality of interaction is majorly impacted. It's sad tbh but that's life.

Begreatfulofglimmers · 19/01/2025 17:25

Stop pandering to her nonsense. She’s either extremely selfish or a lunatic to think she’s being reasonable.

Crazycatlady79 · 19/01/2025 17:20

Leave your DSis to sort this out with your parents.

commonsense61 · 19/01/2025 17:17

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Iwiicit · 19/01/2025 17:11

Well that was very difficult to read but my main takeaway from it is that you are thinking of yourself and yourself only. You seem to view your parents as mere objects and you have painted such a picture of your sister that she looks like a pantomime villain, completely unhinged and evil. I would love to hear her side of the story. It's clearly all about you , you , you.

MagentaRavioli · 19/01/2025 17:10

Justamumsopinion · 14/01/2025 21:09

My DC spends 2.5 days a week with her DGPs. My DD works full time and my DM works part time and cares for my DN. My DPs were very keen to be active grandparents and I've included them in my DCs life from the start. They adore my DC and have an incredible bond. We are extremely grateful to have their support as my DHs parents are not able to offer as much as they both work full time.

DS has had her second DC a few months ago and as a result has moved back to our home town. DS has some unusual views on parenting for example she wouldn't allow our parents to see their first DC for several weeks after they were born as she wanted protected family time etc. Her DC had not been allowed to sleep over my DPs house for the first year and she has very strict rules for when her DC visits. My DS also, up until recently lived in a different country. As a result my DPs have not been able to establish the same bond as they have with my DC.

My DS has asked me whether I would consider putting my daughter into nursery more so her DC can have protected time with my DPs. My DC is in nursery for 2 days and I have half day a week when we have some time together. My DS is struggling with managing her newborn with another DC. She is exclusively breastfeeding and will not allow the baby to be held by anyone else. Her DH works from home and does all the cleaning and washing and also supports with cooking. They have support from DHs family. His DM has their DC for 2 days per week. My DPs have offered to have her DC on the same days they have my DC but she wants them to offer separate days. My DPs are unable to do this as they work. As I feel my DS is struggling with her mental health so I have agreed to reducing my DCs time with her DGP by flexing my hours so I can work later in the evening when my DH is home so I spend an additional afternoon with my DC. This will only be possible if my DC continues to nap as I often have meetings in the day. If she stops napping, I will need to put my DC in nursery for an additional afternoon. I wouldn't mind doing this at all if my DS needed support with work or if my DPs found it difficult to have the DC together. My DS is on maternity leave and has a network of support whereas I work full time and have another DC (12) and only have my parents which to be honest is irrelevant. I don't send my DC to my DPs for reduce childcare costs (it's a bonus) I send her because they want that time with their DGC and it's what I had growing up.

For context, my DS is mortgage free, both have highly paid jobs and generous maternity. She only pays to send her DC to a playgroup for few hours each week. I'm upset that my arrangement with my DPs has been altered as a result of my DSs demands. I'm also upset that she wants me to put my DC into nursery for additional days whereas her DC doesn't go to nursery. Her DC spends 2 days a week with DHs parents and she has also been offered 2.5 days from my DPs.

Should I address this with my DS? Her DC will be able to go to school full time in a few months. Should I just ride it out?

Further context... My DC and her DC adore each other too. They love playing together and we often go for days out with my DS and her family.

Thanks for reading and sorry it's so long

For goodness sake use DSIS for your sister and DDAD or DF for your father otherwise we have to spend so much mental energy translating your post it’s just not worth it.

Ihopeyouhavent · 19/01/2025 17:05

Please work your "D"'s out.

Botanybaby · 19/01/2025 17:01

This took me far too long to read

Can't people just say "sister" "mum" "child' rather than this DS BS

Rowen32 · 19/01/2025 17:01

You shouldn't have given in and changed your schedule is all I can say..

Botanybaby · 19/01/2025 17:00

Just say no if you don't like the new plan however it's kind of up to your parents if they want 1:1 with each set of kids that's up to them

Cherrysoup · 19/01/2025 16:55

I hope you told your sister to stop being such a ridiculous precious little madam. Meanwhile, I’d check with your mum if she feels capable of doing this amount of childcare.

Worcestershirem0mmy · 19/01/2025 16:54

SereneFish · 14/01/2025 21:10

DI thinks DU should rewrite this using actual Dwords because I don't have a Dclue who is who or what's going Don.

Edited

THIS!!!!

Northernladdette · 19/01/2025 16:49

She’s a CF 😡

unmemorableusername · 19/01/2025 16:47

Who? What?

I have no clue who is who!!

VividLilac · 19/01/2025 16:42

I gave up! Couldn’t make dhead or dtail.

Livelovebehappy · 19/01/2025 16:30

And what about your poor parents’ opinion in all of this? Surely they should really have a say about what works best for them. How do they feel about the changed plans? It’s like two dogs with a bone, your parents being the bone! Both being pulled back and forth. Sounds like your dsis is used to having her own way, and no-one ever stands up to her.

Tiredofnonsense80 · 19/01/2025 16:27

Too confusing 😂

CannotWaitForSummervibes · 19/01/2025 16:22

Just say no.

katepilar · 19/01/2025 16:00

Not having a child under 1yo to sleep over at other peoples houses without parents is normal in my world.

katepilar · 19/01/2025 15:58

SereneFish · 14/01/2025 21:10

DI thinks DU should rewrite this using actual Dwords because I don't have a Dclue who is who or what's going Don.

Edited

I am confused as well.
DS is possibly a sister.

amyds2104 · 19/01/2025 15:57

You’re unreasonable to give into such ridiculous demands. More fool you to alter your work life balance for someone who clearly wouldn’t do the same for you!

DangerousAlchemy · 19/01/2025 15:55

Op just to clarify. You've said DD (dear/darling daughter) but you meant that to stand for DD (Dear Dad)? That's abbrev to DF (dear father) normally. You've also typed DS & I think you meant that to mean Dear Sister? That's always written as Dsis on here. Your post is very confusing tbh.

sarah419 · 19/01/2025 15:50

it’s understandable that she might be more deserving of the help due to having a newborn (so what if she wants to exclusively BF or hold her child? all that is irrelevant and appears as if you want to judge her for it). However, i don’t think there’s any need for exclusive time for grandparents? in fact, they will probably have more fun with cousins too and for the grandparents it won’t be that much difference in terms of effort.

Happyher · 19/01/2025 15:45

Just say no

SpryUmberZebra · 19/01/2025 15:33

SereneFish · 14/01/2025 21:10

DI thinks DU should rewrite this using actual Dwords because I don't have a Dclue who is who or what's going Don.

Edited

Seriously, I was half way before I realized DS was her sister not son 😂

All this D stuff is so confusing and annoying.

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