Christmas Presents from Boyfriend

My DH got me a book, chocolates a jumper and some PJs which I returned as I don't really like then (he was fine with that!).

I was absolutely delighted with the book.

My point is that your gifts aren't bad, they just aren't suited to you. I find you really have to be explicit with men. The romantic gestures are rare unless you say 'I would like...'

If you want to stay with him, then going forward tell him that as he obviously felt under pressure from you, then it will probably be a relief for both of you to agree not to buy for each other. Then spend the £300 on yourself!

I think you’re justified in feeling upset, and you don’t sound entitled at all. It’s not about the amount of money spent, but the thought that goes into gift giving. You clearly listened to his wishes, but he’s given no thought to yours. What a shame. Have you discussed it?

I think a first Christmas with a new partner can be hard, unless they really know you. My husband is hugely generous, but he always asks what I want and buys it. Ditto, I for him. Some men are utterly useless at gift giving, some don’t really “get” gifting, and I’ve no idea why. I had a friend whose husband NEVER bought her a Christmas gift, despite her supplying him with wish lists, and clear directions. She divorced him, because she said his whole mindset was stingy. You sound very generous OP, and I think when you are a good, thoughtful, give gifter, what you are given in return (even by someone who is meant to be close to you) can be disappointing. It’s not entitlement, it’s a case of finding somebody who has the same mindset as you….. and sadly perhaps this guy isn’t the one for you ?. I know that’s probably not what you want to hear, but sometimes it’s better to think about the situation, and maybe move on before being hurt again, and feeling as though you aren’t cared about.

I'd agree not a deal breaker. My DH is bad at presents and I knew this when I was dating him. In 4 years I've gotten 3 (not great) mugs and most recently a travel mug (I very rarely drink coffee out so don't need a travel cup). I've accepted he's thoughtful in other ways. I don't put too much money or effort into his presents but still put a bit thought of thought in.

In this case it's a bit cheeky to ask for expensive stuff and then not give similar in return. If he's not otherwise a bit greedy and selfish, I'd chalk it up to a miscommunication.

I’ve had 37 years of totally crap present buying. He knows he’s rubbish at it, with vouchers that never get fulfilled being top of the long list of misdemeanours. Lazy? Unimaginative? Tight? Maybe all three. Either accept that’s what he’s like or move on cos he isn’t going to change! Even with a list.

I am talking here generally. The fact is some men can know what you like/don’t like and still walk around with no clue.
Just talking from my own experience. I mean thought as in ‘at least he’s tried to do something but has not got it spot on!’
Not as in he’s bought a load of make up that will never get used.
I sent plenty of men to other areas of the store when they described their wives/partners/girlfriends. Because men would walk in and ask us because we were the first department.
I think the whole point of this thread is about the fact that the OP did suggest something she would like, that he would know about, he didn’t even need to ask in a store, and he basically ignored her.

I'd be very upset too. He's clearly put no thought or effort into what you asked for or what he thinks you might like. He's thoughtless, selfish and lazy. Even if he only got the perfume you liked and nothing else, it would've been better than what you received.

You can either tell him you're upset and expect more thought in future or break up with him and find someone who enjoys giving gifts like you do.

I think it might be a man thing though because my Dad was terrible, my FIL gives some questionable things to my MIL, and some XBF's have given me some truly hideous gifts I never would've chosen in a million years. I hate for people waste their hard earned money on things I don't want and won't use.

Although my husband has never been quite this thoughtless with his gift giving, he doesn't enjoy giving gifts as much as I do and is quite lazy with his Christmas shopping. I now send him a list of things I'd like and he picks and chooses which ones to get. Honestly, I think he's grateful for the list because he doesn't have to think about it and I'm not disappointed lol. Win-win.

I spend approx £200-300 on him and I expect the same in return. Birthdays we don't do as much, and we don't really buy any "just because" gifts throughout the year, so I think that's a reasonable amount for Christmas. It's the only time we spoil each other with "things" and the rest of the year we show our love with actions.

*vouchers

To add ; printed out box hers that he hasn't actually bought is pathetic and pointless.

How on earth is OP entitled? he has no qualms asking for gifts with £100s then buys OP a fraction of that and items which are nothing she'd like.
Also, £30 is NOT an expensive cosmetic item.

I used to work on cosmetics/perfumery and even a photo of the girlfriend/wife and a few details about her were enough to put together a nice parcel. Even if the recipient doesn’t get exactly what she wants, I think it’s still nice to receive something where thought has gone into it.

I find this interesting, because to me asking the staff in John Lewis or similar is an example of no thought going into it. But then, I don't want cosmetics or perfume and would expect someone i was dating to know that.

Don't agree. OP is not entitled
I don't think it's too much to expect a nice present. Not expensive but something you really want or need that shows some thought has gone into it.
My ex bought me a pendant for a chain. It had a treble clef on. I am not musical at all. Into sports. It just felt like a last minute dash to the shops present. A pair of socks for my chosen sport would have been perfect.
He is now my ex. Turns out very self centered

I'd be upset too. What did he get you for your birthday last year.

If he's great in every other way then I'd just not make an effort with presents for him for birthdays or Christmas in future.

An ex of mine made no effort for my birthday and was then very put out when I did fuck all on his birthday, 🤷‍♀️ that probably was another reason why I finished with him, I give them the same energy they give me

Yabu.

My husband and I agreed a budget of £80 each this year.

Last year, it was £20 as things were tight.

A mismatch in present-giving doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker.

Set boundaries and expectations in a non-judgemental way.

Maybe you could both come up with a list 5-10 things, to help pick out what’s desired?

I say this all the time about gifts, especially if the man isn’t short of money, even if he can’t choose himself, just go into John Lewis with a budget.
I used to work on cosmetics/perfumery and even a photo of the girlfriend/wife and a few details about her were enough to put together a nice parcel. Even if the recipient doesn’t get exactly what she wants, I think it’s still nice to receive something where thought has gone into it.
I have a male pal who isn’t the best at gifts and when he first met his now wife he rang me in a tizz and no clue. I had met her a few times and half an hour later sent him off with a list. It’s wasn’t anything extravagant - think lovely shampoo and conditioner, a gorgeous body cream, a good quality hairbrush, cashmere socks.
He’s got so much better but I still get jokes from my friend’s wife about what I’m getting her off Joe for Christmas.
Every man has at least one woman he could ask for advice and I’d rather I got a perfume that wasn’t really me than some old dried up musty chocolates!

This.
He's selfish, mean , thoughtless and obviously doesn't respect you.
Chocolates he'd had for a while, a book you had no interest in and a pretend voucher to go and see a band he likes !!!!

Can't you buy yourself 'just because' flowers?

as PPs have said - it’s not a deal breaker by itself!

DH is absolutely terrible at presents - he’s not remotely confident about what I’d want - he gets me a bottle of my ‘every day’ perfume and assorted snacks in a bag ever year - (we’ve been together for the best part 20 years and he makes 250-750k depending on company performance)

it’s not a lack of love. In the early days he would absolutely have panicked and bought some strange vouchers or similar.

gift giving is not his love language. He is extremely affirming in other ways though - he communicates well, prioritises time with me, tells me how grateful he is for me every day and is very considerate of our childcare commitments (I’m a SAHP) when planning work travel. He’s a great life partner despite being horrible at presents.

If giving and receiving gifts is a really important part of you feeling safe and loved in a relationship then you need to consider whether this is something that conversations about budget and expectations might help? Or whether someone who guys spontaneous flowers and chooses (nice!) handbags unprompted might be a better fit!

Really?! In context of the other absolute shit he got her, you think an IOU, when he has plenty money, one for a band he likes, is cute and thoughtful? Christ, you need to raise your standards.

If you are going to be this passive, then you are destined for years of disappointment with this man.

Ignore all the entitlement accusations, "I only spend thruppence ha'penny on my husband of 40 years" type posts. Thoughtful gift giving and receiving is important to YOU. So you either accept that you and he are on completely different pages wrt something that is important to YOU and accept future disappointment in this regard, whilst hopefully balancing this with your enjoyment/appreciation of whatever good qualities he brings to your relationship. You can resort to his level and regift his bag of crap (which was crap, because none of it was of use to you or even bought for you by the sounds of it) for his birthday to make a point that he can't treat you like that. Or you can actually talk to him about how hurt you feel. Or you can sit him down right now and make him book and pay for those IOUs, booking a band that you like and a really nice/quality/expensive treatment of your choosing. Or you can dump his cheapskate, thoughtless arse and look for someone who is on the same page as you on are on this matter than means something to YOU - not others, YOU.

But for heaven's sake, don't be passive and just suck it up!

I like books and chocolate and luxury toiletries and make up. But from this it sounds like just stuff he had hanging around and he put zero effort in.
So it's really it not
just or even mainly the money-it's the lack of thought and effort which makes you feel worthless.
IOU print outs instead of actual vouchers you can use to book an experience are crap too-because IOU can be never ever.
Do you think he may it have much money? Couldnt afford gifts?
How is the rest of the relationship, if its good I would be asking to book the experiences.
If it's not great then it's time to walk away
Some people do make more effort at Xmas and birthdays than others, different expectations can cause issues-do you know how his family usually mark birthdays and Xmas? Are they also laid back/ minimum effort?
If the relationship continues you need to set expectations for birthday and Christmas, perhaps not romantic but less tears all round

Why does anyone have to teach another adult how to buy gifts? She did basically tell him what she wanted, and just got thoughtless gifts. The money spent is irrelevant. The issue is his thoughtlessness and lack of care. That’s not something you can “train” someone out of, and nor should you try.

Wow what a depressing post. So your DH treats you like that but you still have 3 kids with him and just resign yourself to ‘lowering your expectations’ - jeez attitudes like this are part of the problem. Men treat women like this because women accept and enable it.

That’s the moral of this story op - two choices. Lower your expectations and accept a life of not being valued, or don’t accept it and believe you deserve better.

So interestingly my (now) ex bf made loads of effort for our first Christmas (we had been together 3 months) but no effort for my birthday 6 months later. He also dumped me via text a month after our anniversary! I just honestly don’t think some people really give any thought to what it means in terms of what their effort communicates and in honesty the effort he made for our first Christmas didn’t actually translate into him having any care or thought for me further down the line… I say move on lovely as it’s clearly really upset you! Know your worth x