Friends cancelled wedding

I have an older cousin. Actually, she’s my mum’s first cousin.
She refused to come to my wedding because for some nonsense reason she was mad at my mum.
Then, about a thousand years later, I had a 90th birthday party for my mum, just family members.
This cousin came, but she refused to speak to me for reasons I couldn’t possibly know. I hadn’t spoken to her in over a decade.
Now it’s many years later and Mum is gone and this cousin is herself in her 90s.
I don’t care about weddings or parties or petty grievances, but I guarantee she does.
Let it go.
Nobody is worth losing sleep over or even giving a second thought to, unless you’ve wronged them — then you apologise. Then you move on.

It's been my experience that the ott texting beforehand is to show plausible deniability: they know they're not going to make it, they'll use an excuse that's plausibly a last minute emergency, and they'll show the preceding excitement as proof that they really did want to be there.

The headache is next level though. May as well have ghosted (awful, awful behaviour from people who don't know how to function around other people).

Thank you! Either way hope you have a wonderful marriage ☺️

I think you’re being a bit OTT.

If they contacted you to apologise and say they couldn’t come I would say your message after could be seen as the final communication on the matter. So in theory a further response not really necessary.

ie

A hi sorry I can’t come I’ve missed the train and there are no buses. Have a great day.

B No problem. Sorry you can’t make it.

B (two weeks later) sorry again you couldn’t make it to our wedding. We had a nice time, you were missed.

unless you had a question in there I don’t really see that a response is actually warranted. Obviously depends on what you wrote but really if all of them haven’t followed up with a response then I think it’s probably on you and your wording.

When my daughter married 11 years ago, I was astonished that some close friends and relatives didn't even reply to the invitation. My own nephews, her cousins and both longtime single wouldn't give a direct answer and then tried to find some women to come to the wedding with them. The tables were all arranged and the numbers had been given for catering and she had to tell them please don't. Another couple just didn't show up and gave the lamest excuse a few days after. I am truly baffled by this behaviour especially as I know she certainly isn't alone in her experience - the wedding seems to be like a party that people 'might' drop by if nothing better is on. The wedding was held centrally so there would have been no transport problems for anyone at all.

We had 4 of DHs friends just not show up to our wedding, no message, had a place set for them they weren't ill, had responded etc.

I was a bit cheesed off at the time as it had been paid for and meant other friends hadn't been invited as we were limited on numbers.
But DH just stopped making an effort with them they have fallen by the wayside.
In your shoes I would simply stop making an effort.

Sorry *wasn't well

If you're not close to them, I wouldn't bother. I had loads, 17 out of 20 people out of my side of the family who didn't bother to come to my wedding. Including 2 people who were supposed to give me away which hurt alot as my dad passed away and it was really special to me. (Excuses like they didn't feel well etc or their partner was well, someone they know is having a baby around that time..) I haven't spoken much or bothered since, I don't think I've really had a sincere apology either. It was very hurtful.

I assume at least one of the super interested people had no intention of coming and it was all a cover.

If someone has left your life, let them go

As someone’s who’s struggled with anxiety and also some pain problems maybe they were also struggling with something similar were planning to come then just couldn’t at the time but didn’t want to say that as it’s you’re wedding (maybe not but just an idea) sometimes things are how they seem but not always x

It because these days everyone expects people to pay £100s to attend their wedding - rather than it be a church or registry office thing with a buffet and a disco in the local function rooms

This is so true! I have a friend who does this so often we refer to it at the Excitement Matrix: the more excited she is beforehand (via social media, text message etc), the less likely she is to attend! It’s become a bit of a joke now! At least it has lowered our expectations!

Very strange! Is she one of those friends that doesn't actually listen to what you say? In a way every time you meet has to be about her?
I have (had?) one that would ask me where I was working now and act surprised that I had changed jobs (we met at our previous job). I had told her 3 times. I just slowly phased her out.
Regarding your no shows, I'd leave it upto them to contact you next and take it from there.

They cant be that close of friends to you it they had a) never met your fiancé before your wedding b) didn’t know where you would be living post wedding c) didn’t know the plans of your honeymoon- I could go on.

I suspect they saw your follow up text as a roundabout way to ask for the wedding gift..

getting married near Christmas is a serious headache for most guests - it’s such an expensive time. They could of cancelled earlier but you also could of been more selective with your invites, instead of inviting some randoms you kind of know, you should of invited people you actually know

Is this just not showing up at weddings a fairly new phenomenon? We got married in the 80's as did most of our friends.
These no shows for the whole day & night do's didn't seem to happen back then.

What was your frends conversation with your man like?

To sound super interested and then be suddenly unable to come is weird of her

Anyway, you're far better off without these people as they couldn't be arsed to get in touch with you after the wedding and after you reached out

The trash has taken itself out and you're free to mske some new friends

I know it's hard but you're not missing out on anything. Maybe it's a blessing as I get weird vibes about your friend who was asking about your dh family and messaging him

Congratulations on finding the one - let them go, you're gonna be just fine x

I think you’re being a bit dramatic. How frequently were you in contact prior to your engagement? Everyone has been busy over Christmas and has things going on in their own lives.

Are you suspecting the ones with transport issues made it up?

The friend with the headache sounds like she gave a rather lame excuse, but then she also sounds like she has her own issues and may be fighting her own demons.

Friends aren't easy to come by. I wouldn’t dump mine based on what you have described. But then, if you are so prepared to just ‘let them go’, maybe they weren't that important to you anyway?

Are you suggesting they all have ADHD?

It’s possible that they haven’t been in touch because they feel so incredibly guilty about letting you down.
There is an ADHD issue where you feel incredibly guilty about messing things up / missing something important Ana the worse you feel about it , you become paralyzed by guilt and can’t contact that person / open the letter / dial the number / go to a place you might see them.
It’s reasonable not to go to a wedding with a terrible headache. It’s crap not to come because you missed a train . That says that the wedding was not important enough to you to get your shit together.

If they were really special friends you could reach out and text “Happy New Year!” How are you ? but I wouldn’t blame you for not doing . If you send a message you will always know that you tried and will know for sure that you have lost nothing if they don’t reply.

It’s incredibly painful to lose friends like this.

It doesn’t sound like you are particularly close to your friends who cancelled if they don’t know who your husband is, where you are going to live etc. I don’t think you’ll notice if you drop them after this.