Page 2 | Friends cancelled wedding

peachystormy · 15/01/2025 18:54

Pumpkincozynights · 14/01/2025 21:46

I have to agree that this did not happen back in the day.
Things were different then I feel and weddings and invitations were much more formal.
Wedding invites were sent out by post, and I’m sure they had a specific date by which you had to respond in writing. It sounds so odd now but it made a huge difference. You bought an acceptance card wrote on it, and sent it back in the post! Or a card which said unfortunately you could not attend. Either way, these cards were readily available from card shops.
Nobody who said they were attending didn’t attend. I think the only exceptions were either if you were in labour, or dead.
I do think there is something in the fact weddings are just not viewed in the same light now. Many people don’t want to attend due to the cost plus it can be seen as not that important.
You get people who already have children, often not specifically to the person they are about to marry, already living with their future spouse, in houses that are fully furnished, they ask for money, hold the wedding in very expensive places. Often in the middle of nowhere expecting guests to pay extortionate rates to stay there with eye watering prices even for a glass of pop. Sometimes even telling guests what they can/can’t wear which means buying a new outfit.
Again in the past weddings were held in the local church or register office. The reception was within walking distance of this where there was a very cheap bar. Everyone could either walk home or afford a taxi home. Plus you could buy the couple an affordable gift from the wedding list. You knew they would appreciate it too.
I do think people balance the cost of attending
a wedding with the benefit if going, and how special it is. Unfortunately they see it as spending a lot of money, just to see a couple marry who are already virtually married, and already have a family. It doesn't feel that special like it once did.
I don’t think it’s acceptable to do what the op’s guests did though.
I would let them be the first to make a move and contact you.

completely agree with you, simpler happier times. wish it was still like that now but alas no

peachystormy · 15/01/2025 18:50

LidlScottishLady · 14/01/2025 20:55

When my daughter married 11 years ago, I was astonished that some close friends and relatives didn't even reply to the invitation. My own nephews, her cousins and both longtime single wouldn't give a direct answer and then tried to find some women to come to the wedding with them. The tables were all arranged and the numbers had been given for catering and she had to tell them please don't. Another couple just didn't show up and gave the lamest excuse a few days after. I am truly baffled by this behaviour especially as I know she certainly isn't alone in her experience - the wedding seems to be like a party that people 'might' drop by if nothing better is on. The wedding was held centrally so there would have been no transport problems for anyone at all.

Thats shocking! What a shame

peachystormy · 15/01/2025 18:47

Am so sorry this happened. They aren't your friends.

Reading this thread made me remember how it actually happened to me too 🤣 I can laugh about it now but not really if you see what I mean.

Arran2024 · 15/01/2025 17:42

One of my husband's ushers and his wife didn't come to our wedding. Our wedding was in Scotland and my husband's family and friends were in the London area, so it was a huge commitment for them to come, and we understood that. We had accommodation booked for everyone and a coach to go and pick everyone up. And this couple just didn't come. They had never planned to come, but they didn't tell us. I was so upset. His brother and wife came too. They were so embarrassed. We were one usher down too. Anyway, we never spoke to them again.

Newgirls · 15/01/2025 16:37

I think this thread shows how common it is for people to drop out on the day so probably best to not take it personally. I guess they will feel awkward for quite a long while so it’s inevitable that they won’t get in touch. Focus on your own happiness op and remind yourself it’s def not just you

HamptonPlace · 15/01/2025 16:23

Newlywedgal · 14/01/2025 19:29

I got married late last year (39/F) and had 7 cancellations (one family of 3, a friend with a friend plus one and a couple) at the very last minute.

The family cancelled the evening before at about 7pm. Her reason was she could not make it due to transport issues.

The friend with +1 cancelled as she had missed her 6pm train. She had been texting me that morning to say how excited she was about coming to the wedding, asking me lots of questions about my new husband, how we met, could she look after his elderly family etc.

The other cancelled at 11.30am on the day of the wedding (wedding at 2pm) to say she could not come as she had a headache. She too, was also texting me asking many questions about my wedding planning the week before and how it was going, lots of questions about where I would be living - what I would be doing with my property now I was married woman and also where we were going on honeymoon. She said it was 'ok for some' that we could go on a honeymoon as she had not been able to afford to do that following her wedding. She also asked me if I was having to work after my wedding, now I was marrying a 'wealthy man'.

The wedding was in a major city to avoid people having to travel too far.

I ended up a mess the evening before the wedding, trying to rearrange the tables etc - I was already very anxious about the wedding day.

A week or so after the wedding I sent each cancelling party a message to tell them I was sorry they could not make it, and not to worry about it. I have not heard a word from any of them since.

I have been lucky enough to attend so many peoples weddings / hen parties / baby showers / 1st/2nd birthday parties of their children when I was single happily to cheer them on for their life events.

I am very happily married now to a lovely man and the day otherwise was a success, but over Christmas time I felt very sad that I did not hear from these people again.

YABU to never speak to these people again and try and reach out
YANBU just let them go

Thanks

There are always last minute cancellations at any reasonable sized wedding, although sounds like more regret would have been appropriate...

Changingname1988 · 15/01/2025 15:25

Pumpkincozynights · 14/01/2025 21:46

I have to agree that this did not happen back in the day.
Things were different then I feel and weddings and invitations were much more formal.
Wedding invites were sent out by post, and I’m sure they had a specific date by which you had to respond in writing. It sounds so odd now but it made a huge difference. You bought an acceptance card wrote on it, and sent it back in the post! Or a card which said unfortunately you could not attend. Either way, these cards were readily available from card shops.
Nobody who said they were attending didn’t attend. I think the only exceptions were either if you were in labour, or dead.
I do think there is something in the fact weddings are just not viewed in the same light now. Many people don’t want to attend due to the cost plus it can be seen as not that important.
You get people who already have children, often not specifically to the person they are about to marry, already living with their future spouse, in houses that are fully furnished, they ask for money, hold the wedding in very expensive places. Often in the middle of nowhere expecting guests to pay extortionate rates to stay there with eye watering prices even for a glass of pop. Sometimes even telling guests what they can/can’t wear which means buying a new outfit.
Again in the past weddings were held in the local church or register office. The reception was within walking distance of this where there was a very cheap bar. Everyone could either walk home or afford a taxi home. Plus you could buy the couple an affordable gift from the wedding list. You knew they would appreciate it too.
I do think people balance the cost of attending
a wedding with the benefit if going, and how special it is. Unfortunately they see it as spending a lot of money, just to see a couple marry who are already virtually married, and already have a family. It doesn't feel that special like it once did.
I don’t think it’s acceptable to do what the op’s guests did though.
I would let them be the first to make a move and contact you.

I think this is a really interesting point, in the past a wedding was the start of a brand new life for the couple, whereas now it is often a lovely celebration of the life they are already living together.

Perhaps the level of importance in the eyes of some guests has changed to view it as a big party they can flake out of instead of one of the “big 3” of Births, Marriages and Deaths that make up family life.

I’m sorry you were let down @Newlywedgal I would wait to see how much effort the Cancellers put into their relationships with you in future, I hope they will behave better than some of the awful CFs described on the thread!

Startinganew32 · 15/01/2025 13:04

veganmayo · 15/01/2025 12:41

Maybe I'm too suspicious but I'd wonder if the increased interest running up to the wedding was some kind of cover for the fact they were going to cancel... "But look, I was so invested in your wedding so of course I wanted to come..."
I'd hope that's not the case though.

Of course it was. It’s rule 1 in the Flake handbook that you have to seem enthusiastic so that everyone knows you weren’t intending to drop out.

RedLightsStopSigns · 15/01/2025 12:53

I once had to cancel going to a friend’s wedding in the week running up to it. It was due to totally unforeseen financial issues that happened very suddenly and close to the wedding that meant I just could not afford to attend. I felt absolutely awful about it and was very apologetic. That’s the difference in your case, OP. Their lack of response to your message (that sounded really lovely!) shows they don’t really care much about the friendship. If my friend had messaged me like that I would have reiterated my apologies and thanked them for being so forgiving about it.

veganmayo · 15/01/2025 12:41

Maybe I'm too suspicious but I'd wonder if the increased interest running up to the wedding was some kind of cover for the fact they were going to cancel... "But look, I was so invested in your wedding so of course I wanted to come..."
I'd hope that's not the case though.

EatingHealthy · 15/01/2025 12:01

Sheaintheavyshesmymother · 14/01/2025 20:55

I think you’re being a bit OTT.

If they contacted you to apologise and say they couldn’t come I would say your message after could be seen as the final communication on the matter. So in theory a further response not really necessary.

ie

A hi sorry I can’t come I’ve missed the train and there are no buses. Have a great day.

B No problem. Sorry you can’t make it.

B (two weeks later) sorry again you couldn’t make it to our wedding. We had a nice time, you were missed.

unless you had a question in there I don’t really see that a response is actually warranted. Obviously depends on what you wrote but really if all of them haven’t followed up with a response then I think it’s probably on you and your wording.

Sure, on the day they are unlikely to send another message, they are going to know that the bride will have a lot on her plate and not want to bother her with more messages. But to not even message afterwards asking how the wedding went is shit of them - even more so after op sent them a message so even if they were feeling bad and not wanting to contact op, or thought op still might be busy post wedding, op has opened the door to communication. And especially if they're someone who texts a lot generally.

snowmichael · 15/01/2025 11:01

> I am very happily married now to a lovely man
That's the important bit
Ignore the others

Startinganew32 · 15/01/2025 10:54

I wouldn’t never speak to them again but I’d also not reach out and make the first move. So if they don’t do that then I guess maybe you won’t speak to them again.
It’s really shit and I think quite common where people expect you to drop everything for their wedding or christening but when you get married, it’s a different tune. I think this is particularly common if you get married later than your friends and they don’t see it as important anymore because they are selfish pricks who always centre themselves.
None of them sound like great friends although if the person with the headache actually had a migraine or a very bad headache that was resistant to painkillers, I can totally understand why she didn’t want to go.

pimplebum · 15/01/2025 10:52

I had my oldest friend turn up with her child despite having a conversation where I’d made it clear child not invited

I had two people who I’d paid for meals leave after the ceremony because they had other places to be

all these people while pissing me off at the time are still very much in my life because they have continued to make the effort and I wasn’t going to end the friendship over a wedding faux par

the ones who did not respond I would let them go

feelingalittlehorse · 15/01/2025 10:51

The ones who were over zelously messaging you before knew they were going to cancel, OP. They were just putting the leg work in beforehand to show how Very Excited they were, so 100% wouldn’t miss it unless there was a Very Good Reason because they are just So Excited.

And behold; a reason has just mysteriously and unfortunately arisen. But because they were So Excited for you, you’ll know how Absolutely Gutted they are and so hopefully won’t be annoyed.

Anonymus89 · 15/01/2025 10:48

On our wedding I had - bridesmaid that was demoted to a guest as she just went no contact for a while, then she told me and other bridesmaids she can't wait to see us tomorrow and then didn't show up on the day! 😆 we haven't spoke since! Never found out what happened.

Guest from abroad - done his Achilles few weeks before, cancelled 3 days before the weeding.

Guest from not abroad - I think we had 3 thay cancelled, various reasons, all very last minute dot com.

The venue coordinator was amazing, they shuffled everything around, zero stress.

As shitty as it is, People who wanted to be there were there and that all its matters. I definitely won't be reaching out first to them.

Member984815 · 15/01/2025 10:44

That's awful , the only time I accepted and couldn't attend was a sudden death the morning of a wedding . I wouldn't be interested in keeping up with people who let me down so badly .

Lurker85 · 15/01/2025 10:39

SALaw · 14/01/2025 23:44

Correct. Migraines have a totally debilitating effect on my life and when I have an attach there is no way I could go to a wedding.

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Very true but surely if it was a migraine they’d have said? They wouldn’t underplay it and say headache when the real reason is much more understandable.

Lurker85 · 15/01/2025 10:33

Sounds like the questions in the run up were to prep you for them cancelling. They probably thought if they showed a lot of interest and enthusiasm for the wedding then you wouldn’t suspect that their excuses were bullshit when they finally made them as they were soooo excited it must be genuine. You’re well rid and congratulations!

ElsaGreen · 15/01/2025 10:29

Twinklytoots · 14/01/2025 20:06

I’d let them go, one of those things best not to dwell on. You raise a really interesting point though. Ive known a few people who when invited to things, go overboard (to an odd awkward extent) on what can they bring, what they can help with, thinking of the smallest or left field things that could go wrong and how they could personally resolve it for you. With loads of messages before the event becoming really irritating but you can’t say anything because it’s all so supportive and kind. You half expect a band in tow and fireworks going off upon their arrival. Then on the day they just don’t show, either blanking you or really flimsy excuse.

I remember it happening to a friend of mine and she was so pissed off, not because the person couldn’t make it but that so much time had been invested in dealing with their ‘excitement and support’. I could never fathom out why they did it. Love to know why. You are not alone OP!

Yes, it's interesting...and I thought the same as we had one of these at our wedding. Lots of questions over small details then last minute cancellation.

I think these people might be narcissists. It's their way of making themselves the centre of attention. There is certainly something weird going on with them.

ARichtGoodDram · 15/01/2025 10:14

Allthenameshavegone1972 · 14/01/2025 20:24

Is this just not showing up at weddings a fairly new phenomenon? We got married in the 80's as did most of our friends.
These no shows for the whole day & night do's didn't seem to happen back then.

I think it's partly because people have less experience of weddings.

BIL got married a few months ago and a relation didn't turn up because his 10 year old decided on the morning that he really, really wanted to go to football instead. They rocked up to the night do.

It was only when their aunt pointed out that one adult meal and two kids meals had gone to waste (they only messaged about 20 mins before) and had cost BIL a fair chunk that the relation thought about the cost side.

MixedFeelingsNoFeelings · 15/01/2025 10:07

As per my previous post, I'm totally on OP's side. It's thoughtless and spineless to cancel attendance at an event at the last minute. And sorry but I don't always buy the excuse of last-minute incapacity, due to health or transport or whatever - depends how much I trust the person.

However, just to view things from the other side for a moment: I think some people find it almost impossible to decline an invitation. Because the message from society is that to be considered successful, you have to have a busy social life full of friends, travel and 'adventures'. And it takes quite a lot of social intelligence, honesty, self-awareness and courage to admit that you can't cope with that, for whatever reason (maybe it's a physical or mental health issue. Maybe you panic at the thought of being in unfamiliar surroundings meeting unfamiliar people. Maybe you simply can't afford it, or the logistics defeat you).

If you're not socially confident to start with - ie you can't tell someone straight out you won't attend - you'll fall back on avoidance strategies which come across as pretty odd. Which might explain the unusually high level of interaction and enthusiasm before an event like a wedding. Some posters have called this overcompensating and I think there's definitely something in that.

Goldengirl123 · 15/01/2025 10:01

You will of course feel sad and that’s understandable but as you get older, you will realise that you don’t need people like this in your life. Put your effort into people who deserve it

Sparklybanana · 15/01/2025 08:48

MsWintertowne · 14/01/2025 23:03

Oh @Sparklybanana - that does sound as if she was battling one or some of the ‘big feelings’ I mentioned above.

The fact that you were her best friend was probably significant. You had a particular, longstanding relationship with her and for whatever reason, she obviously couldn’t bear the impending alteration. It’s such a shame, though.

We were the type of friends that phoned each other the moment we got home from spending the day together. She was my person for many years which is why I'm still not really over it despite so many years.

BrightonFrock · 15/01/2025 00:25

Ineedaweebutitswarmhere · 14/01/2025 20:30

It because these days everyone expects people to pay £100s to attend their wedding - rather than it be a church or registry office thing with a buffet and a disco in the local function rooms

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If only it was possible to turn down an invitation…