Un-invited from birthday party, heartbroken

I would confront this in all honesty and be honest that you are hurt for your son and did she REALLY need to choose him and was his autism a factor?
She deserves to squirm a bit

Yes, when our friends make a mistake and owns up to it asking for our understanding and forgiveness it’s important to really dig our thumbs in and make them feel as small and horrid as possible 🙄

OP, your upset and disappointment are extremely understandable, especially if you’re worried about your DS making friends. But I absolutely wouldn’t throw these friendships (yours or your DS’s) in the bin over it. That’s a bit of cutting off your nose to spite your face. As others have pointed out, your friend made a simple mistake that left her in a terrible spot with no good options. If the other attendees are school friends then uninviting one of them is an even worse option - she likely doesn’t know the parents well enough to feel like she can be honest, she doesn’t have a relationship with them where she can easily substitute with a “private party” instead like she’s asked to do with your DS, and the children will likely talk about the party at school so that child will get repeated reminders and not be allowed to forget as soon.

So feel all your feelings, but I would also try to have compassion for your friend. And most of all I would prioritize these friendships and work through the hurt feelings - there is no such thing as a perfect friend who will never make a mistake so writing people off for one incident like this is not going to benefit your DS or you in the long run. Accept the invite to do something separate and suggest it be a little private party with a small cake or cupcakes, candles and an activity.

I hope you’ve not let your son know you’re ‘heartbroken’. Just don’t mention it, or if he asks say you’re doing <insert the alternative fun activity> instead.

This is really upsetting. But I also see that the friend is in a complete bind. If I were the party mum, the only options I'd think of would be to completely change the party, or ask my best friend to uninvite themselves.

I think if the friend had phoned or come to see me in person and grovelled a bit, I'd be less upset and more understanding. The fact that it came in a text presumably, isn't great.

How do you forget to count the actual birthday child? That's so weird.

just arrange an individual meet up

we could do a long list of such parties, I am sure my kids had more than a few. With such a small number of children, why wouldn't it be true?

The suggestion of the cake etc is a lovely idea. And I’m sure the Birthday boy won’t object if his mum has a chat with him and explains that your DS wants to celebrate with him too.

What kind of party can’t accommodate one additional reception aged child? What would’ve happened on the day if she hadn’t realised, it’s really bad form from her and if it was me I’d have just made the extra space happen rather than uninvite someone.

This is the most likely scenario

Allow the one additional child that she had already invited, perhaps? 🤔

My friend immediately suggested we arrange to meet up to do the party activity which is good of her.

Sounds like you are over-reacting then.

she is likely just being very honest about it. You are the closest, and it's easier to explain things to a friend, and more interesting to book a private activity with one. It's more difficult to cancel on total strangers.

She messed up. If she's as decent as she sounds, she must be beyond embarrassed. GIve her a chance and don't take it personally, it wasn't a brush off.

Your right OP. The 5 invited must be the 5 that are a close circle of friends. It really would be harder to decide who leave out if they are in the same class.

It's lovely of her to offer to arrange a meetup.

Put this behind you and forget all about this friend and her child. Focus on being a fabulous Mum to your own little boy and why not select a couple of children from his class and invite them for tea one day by way of expanding yours sons social circle and to make up for the cancelled invitation?

The friend did a shitty thing but you can move on from this and to be honest, you are better off without friends like that.

Exactly right. I struggle with catastrophic language like being heartbroken because your son can’t go to a party OP. Honestly OP having a kid comes with tough situations and I think you need to take a sweep back and get a bit of perspective:

Your friend knew you would understand and thought you would take it the best. Tell her you are disappointed and move on. If this kid is indeed your sons onky friend are you going to cut them off because of this?

Your friend can’t be relied upon to be your sons only friend and make up for that fact.

Is it disappointing? Sure. But again what would you like her to do?

She’s acted poorly but you’re using quite emotive language. Heartbroken is a bit strong. Pissed off, yes. But it’s also quite strong to sack off the friendship when she’s been quite apologetic.

Is it possible that you’re projecting your feelings on to your DS? I can’t imagine my 5 year old even realising he was missing a party unless I made a big deal of it.

I don’t think it means you’re least important, just that all the rest are school friends so it made more sense to keep them all together.

I agree that heartbroken is a stretch!

Just move on op, this happens all the time

My kids hated clubs at that age. By 6 they wanted to be signed up to all of them!

Your son is still young and they change so much, there’s still time for him to make his own friends at school.

Your friend didn’t do the kind thing, but it does sound like the friendships have run their course due to different schools which is very normal

Given your update I think you're being a bit harsh to cut off your friend. Yes, it's unfortunate she miscounted, I'm sure an accidental mistake, but it does sound like she thought you would be understanding, being such good friends, and she wants to organize something else with your son so clearly not shunning him.

I would be irritated but understand the logic that she can't uninvite one of his school friends.

Imagine 1 child at school being excluded?

Don't mention the party again to your son he'll probably forget about it and wait for her to contact you about are arranging something else.

You and you dh are overreacting imo.

What kind of party is it that she can't add one more person?

I think her reason and reasoning sound genuine, take her up on the offer for the DC to do an activity together instead.

I would confront this in all honesty and be honest that you are hurt for your son and did she REALLY need to choose him and was his autism a factor?

She deserves to squirm a bit

I agree with this.

the fact that she has been straight up and honest with you speaks volumes - she appreciates the connection and values you as a friend she can make it up to

it would have been much harder for them to uninvited a class mate.

suggest a special trip to make it up for your son.

Issues with friendships and parties will crop up a LOT over the course of the average childhood and you have to model calm resilience to your son.

It’s ok to be sad. It’s not ok to fuel a furious grudge against someone who sounds quite genuine.

Just don’t mention party again. A five year old will forget about the invite unless in the same class.Agree with other posters who suggested that it was easier to be honest with you rather than leave out one child in the class.
I do struggle to understand why one extra would be a problem l

At least one of those she’s invited won’t turn up.