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Original poster

Un-invited from birthday party, heartbroken

296 replies

Elsiep2 · 14/01/2025 17:34

I have a 5 year old LB now in reception. I have a friend from my maternity leave and my LB really likes her little boy. Since changing my job/ school we don’t see much of each other but it used to be weekly. The boys have always gone to each others little birthday parties. They now go to different primary schools.
we were invited to his party later this month. 3 days ago mum messaged me and says we can’t come now because they forgot to include the birthday boy and it’s too many people. They can’t increase the number of people and she says she’s chosen us to exclude because she knows us the best. I’m heartbroken and struggling to want to speak to her again.
My DS almost certainly has autism (school and nursery agree but he won’t have a diagnosis for years). He struggles with social connections and doesn’t really have any friends aside from this little boy. Despite being in reception we’ve had zero party invites thus far. He loves parties though and normally gets invited to a couple a year - generally children of our friends. My friend knows about the autism referral.
I know my friend has lots to consider and it must have been stressful. But I’m struggling to move past the idea that we were the least important and now I have to find a way to explain he won’t be going to the party. AIBU to want to cut her out (husband is livid and thinks I should)

OP posts:
EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 14/01/2025 19:21

@GravyBoatWars

I can't help but feel he was targeted. I very much hope I am wrong

GrandmotherStillLearning · 14/01/2025 19:21

Elsiep2 · 14/01/2025 17:34

I have a 5 year old LB now in reception. I have a friend from my maternity leave and my LB really likes her little boy. Since changing my job/ school we don’t see much of each other but it used to be weekly. The boys have always gone to each others little birthday parties. They now go to different primary schools.
we were invited to his party later this month. 3 days ago mum messaged me and says we can’t come now because they forgot to include the birthday boy and it’s too many people. They can’t increase the number of people and she says she’s chosen us to exclude because she knows us the best. I’m heartbroken and struggling to want to speak to her again.
My DS almost certainly has autism (school and nursery agree but he won’t have a diagnosis for years). He struggles with social connections and doesn’t really have any friends aside from this little boy. Despite being in reception we’ve had zero party invites thus far. He loves parties though and normally gets invited to a couple a year - generally children of our friends. My friend knows about the autism referral.
I know my friend has lots to consider and it must have been stressful. But I’m struggling to move past the idea that we were the least important and now I have to find a way to explain he won’t be going to the party. AIBU to want to cut her out (husband is livid and thinks I should)

Human nature is hurt and upset.
But will your child actually remember its coming up? Could you say the truth and say gosh that was upsetting but you appreciate the fact she feels she can't let people down in his class when the parents she sees every day.
So the boys don't miss out can we meet at bedlam on Saturday instead 🙃

HauntedPencil · 14/01/2025 19:21

Looking at your update I think this is fine? She's saying he can't go to the one thing but she is making sure he can still do it. I think he's going to enjoy the one on one tbh. If he hasn't seen him for a while he will get more of a chance to catch up. He might feel left out being the only one not a school friend.

I wouldn't lose friends over this..

GravyBoatWars · 14/01/2025 19:20

Blondeshavemorefun · 14/01/2025 19:18

I don’t understand how you can meet to do the activity but not the food /singing /cake part

what is the activity and if you are going to that but can’t your son stay for the cake ?

No, the friend immediately suggested that they go do the activity with just the two boys at a different time. Not for OP and her son to go to half the party.

Blondeshavemorefun · 14/01/2025 19:19

Oh you mean to meet just the two of you and do the activity

then again , can’t you do that and then do singing and cake again

ilovesushi · 14/01/2025 19:19

I'm sorry. That is shit. Your friend is shit. Party invites are a horrible minefield that you need to navigate through primary school. He will find his friends. He'll be okay. But it does feel shit now. xxx

Blondeshavemorefun · 14/01/2025 19:18

I don’t understand how you can meet to do the activity but not the food /singing /cake part

what is the activity and if you are going to that but can’t your son stay for the cake ?

WhatNoRaisins · 14/01/2025 19:17

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 14/01/2025 19:16

If your son struggles to make friends then I would really try to keep him on good terms with this one. He may far prefer a 1 on 1 activity with his friend anyway. I think you should put your son first, over your hurt feelings.

I agree with this. If someone is struggling with their peer relationships at school a 1-1 friendship with someone else can really help.

Blueblell · 14/01/2025 19:16

I would give her the benefit of the doubt as others say it is because she knows you well enough that she had chosen you. You should offer to do another 1:1 activity another time. At least you DS isn’t at the same school and won’t know that he has missed out.

TunnocksOrDeath · 14/01/2025 19:16

vickylou78 · 14/01/2025 17:51

Your not the least important. I would have thought she thought as you knew eachother so well that she thought you'd be the least likely to be upset or offended as she can be honest with you about the cock up she made.
Also would be very difficult to exclude one from the child's class as they'll all be talking about it at school. Whereas you can control what you DS hears about it.
I'm guessing if you see eachother regularly the boys can meet up and do something together on a different date?

Edited

This 100%. Do something extra special, just the two boys. With hats and cake (cupcakes with candles they can both blow out) and party bags. I would be mortified if I'd messed up like this, and be relying on my closest friends to help with the embarrassing fallout.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 14/01/2025 19:16

If your son struggles to make friends then I would really try to keep him on good terms with this one. He may far prefer a 1 on 1 activity with his friend anyway. I think you should put your son first, over your hurt feelings.

GravyBoatWars · 14/01/2025 19:14

@EineReiseDurchDieZeit Telling a friend that your feelings are hurt by a mistake that they’ve already acknowledged is not the same thing as intentionally rubbing in a mistake and trying to “make them squirm.” The latter isn’t about communicating our feelings, it’s “I feel hurt so I’m going to try to make you feel worse than me” and it’s ineffective and relationship destroying.

Both things can be true - OP’s friend made a simple mistake that left her trying to choose the least shite option knowing someone would end up in OP’s DS’s position and OP is understandably upset and disappointed that her DS will miss out. There is nothing here to suggest this was malicious or that the friend doesn’t care about OP or her son. OP can acknowledge her feelings with her friend without making baseless accusations about the friend targeting an autistic child or trying to turn the screws on the friend make her feel as bad and uncomfortable as possible.

RainbowSlimeLab · 14/01/2025 19:13

You are taking this the wrong way. It reminds me of a friend of my ma’s who would invite mum the day after she’d had a family dinner to eat the leftovers with her. My mum thought this was great and showed how highly she thought of her, as how many people could you invite for that?

And I can easily see myself not counting my daughter in the numbers for her party.

Don’t give up a friendship for a silly mistake.

Chuchoter · 14/01/2025 19:11

You no longer see each other very often. One child has to be uninvited and she wasn't going to choose a child from the school her son is currently at, is she? Mums she will see in the playground every day!

That's why she chose your son.

Because they are at different schools it's inevitable that your friendship would fizzle out but it's sad that a party invite being cancelled is the start of it.

Your son will be nine the wiser if you don't mention the party again.

Focus on new friendships.

Embarrassinglyuseless · 14/01/2025 19:11

GoneGirl12345 · 14/01/2025 17:37

You weren't the least important. Quite the opposite as she feels most comfortable being honest with you about how she fucked up and asking for your help and understanding.

See if she can fix a separate activity for both boys to do instead so your son doesn't miss out.

I absolutely agree with this. If I’d screwed up numbers and got myself into an embarrasing situation - the person I’d feel most comfortable admitting my balls up too would be my best friend - I feel secure in our relationship and I know that, even if she was miffed, we’d be ok.

it would be nice to organise an alternative birthday outing though!

Ginnyweasleyswand · 14/01/2025 19:09

Lady1576 · 14/01/2025 19:07

Yes this is what I thought. It doesn’t sound like it’s anything to do with the autism, but I get that you are disappointed he hasn’t been invited to many parties. It’s still quite early on in the year to be expecting millions of invites. Maybe explain to her how disappointed your son will be as he was expecting to go and see if anything can be done.

But she's already offered the exact same thing 1 to 1?

Why would he be disappointed if OP just says the day has changed? Did he know exact numbers? It's possible to celebrate a party with 2 children and 2 adults!

Teateaandmoretea · 14/01/2025 19:08

beautyqueeen · 14/01/2025 17:45

It sounds like she’s prioritising the friends he’s made at school which makes sense, maternity leave friends don’t often last once the kids start to make real friends at school.

Maybe try and organise your boy some play dates with his new classmates instead?

Yeah because they all stay mates with the people they hung out with at school at 5.

My kids are teens and they have moved on and friends outside school are hugely important these days. School friends being most important is totally 90’s.

imagiantwitch · 14/01/2025 19:07

I’d be tempted to call the venue to see how strict they are on numbers, as it sounds like bullshit.

Pippinsdiary · 14/01/2025 19:07

pilates · 14/01/2025 17:42

That’s mean and doesn’t make sense. When doing the numbers how could she not remember her own child? 🤨

I actually forgot to include my child for her 3rd birthday party when giving numbers as she wasn’t on my ‘list’ Blush

Lady1576 · 14/01/2025 19:07

Yes this is what I thought. It doesn’t sound like it’s anything to do with the autism, but I get that you are disappointed he hasn’t been invited to many parties. It’s still quite early on in the year to be expecting millions of invites. Maybe explain to her how disappointed your son will be as he was expecting to go and see if anything can be done.

Fluffyowl00 · 14/01/2025 19:07

I think another ‘party’ with just the two of them would probably be better for your son anyway, as often in a big party the children hardly get any time with the birthday boy or girl. Your son won’t know he didn’t go to the big party so he won’t be upset.

Ginnyweasleyswand · 14/01/2025 19:05

IMO it's always a bit awkward when there's a group from one school and one child that goes to another school that only the birthday child knows. They end up a bit left out more often than not anyway.

I think it actually sounds much nicer doing the activity just the two of them - the birthday boy will be able to spend quality time with OP's DS rather than being torn between two groups.

Lots of activities have max numbers for insurance reasons so the venue WILL NOT alter this. (.e.g one of my DC did an escape room, max 5 and every parent had to sign a disclaimer too).

I wouldn't frame it to your son as being disinvited but that the invitation has changed to another day, then have all the birthday stuff as normal (cake, present). He's not going to miss seeing children he doesn't know and will never see again, he's not going to form any lasting friendships from this one off party. In fact he is more likely to cement his friendship with the birthday boy in a 1 to 1 activity.

It sounds as if this friend has actually been very lovely, immediately offering the same activity on a different day. I'd give her a break, it was an honest mistake and these things happen with kids parties.

Bunnie007 · 14/01/2025 19:05

I’m sorry your son is finding it tricky to make friends and that you predict he will be so upset by this situation. I can totally understand why a 5 year old would feel sad. I think though as someone upthread said I feel your friend made a genuine mistake and has offered a solution. Feeling, you as her friend of a few years, rather than a school mum, will help her. I would rise above your own hurt if you can. Explain to your friend your son is disappointed and looking forward to seeing her son another time instead and that you will bring gift/balloon/cake, so it feels like a little party. Tell your son it’s a special party, as he has known birthday boy the longest time and they are special friends.
As a previous poster said, I often try and reflect on whether I am being a good friend in situations, as I think it’s easy to forget others may be struggling too.
On a side note, I did once forget to count my own son, I was able to increase the numbers but the extra child was charged at an extortionate rate compared to others (I think to encourage people to book the bigger party rather than ‘tack on’ extras). I was lucky I could afford this but not sure what I would have done if not. Offer your friend understanding and I’m sure she will really appreciate it.

WoolySnail · 14/01/2025 19:05

sprigatito · 14/01/2025 18:10

Absolutely OP should teach her child to roll with the punches, and I'm sure she will do that. That doesn't mean she can't be disgusted with the "friend's" behaviour, and upset at how her son has been treated.

Show quote history

Thing is people who don't have NT kids don't understand, it's not about learning you don't get to go to every party etc, it's about that probably being the one and only party they were going to get invited to. It stings massively x

waterrat · 14/01/2025 19:04

i reckon she just wanted to keep it to a group of school friends who she knows get on with each other.