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Original poster

MIL in Palliative Care Unit

129 replies

Ggggggggggggggggyh · 14/01/2025 15:09

Ok, so my DH and I are currently took a week off with our toddler to spend some time with his mum who has been admitted to a palliative care unit in the hospital. The rest of the family have been visiting my MIL who has been up and down and the doctors have clearly said that the inevitable will soon come to pass and that everyone should just make my MIL as comfortable as possible. My DH is very protective and caring and super loving towards his mother out of everyone in the family. Ive never been close to his MIL because she reminded me of my late father who did nothing to help improve their health despite the help and care given.

My DH has been so stressed and upset and of course he will be and Ive been giving him so many hugs and comforting words...but not anything to give him hope. He's been insistent on having our toddler see his grandma everyday and I refused because I do not want our son to be exposed to something like this so early on in his life. I just want our son to remember happy memories with his grandma. He basically was forcing our son to give his mum kisses and hugs while she had her oxygen mask on and our son kept saying, 'I don't want to' and was visibly upset. Our son eventually did but I said that once or twice is fine but not everyday. My DH is positive that his mother will get better soon and he's getting his hopes up again because his MIL is now being moved to a different unit.

Im really just wanting my MIL to kick the bucket now and just get everything over and done with. Honestly, she's better off gone because all she ever did was just sit and watch TV and complain about her pains and constantly moaning about everything. I sound like a bitch but I really don't care. It's just stressful having someone like her around and it doesn't help my son and I when DH is constantly wanting immediate updates on her and simply refuses to admit that her time is nearly up.

My lack of empathy probably stems from my relationship with my father. We loved each other so much but we both knew that when my father's health deteriortated, he just really wanted to die and didn't want to make a big deal out of it. I had no other family left when he passed away and that was only two months after my son was born and I had to take care of it all myself. No time for tears or grief, just the need to get it over and done with because I had a son to think about. That's basically how Im feeling now. People who have been suffering from a long term illness for a long time eventually do pass away and when that reality is staring right at you in the face, I don't get why some people just refuse to believe it.

Would you say that it's better to just leave my DH be? Or do I need to tell him outright that what is happening to his mum is just out of our control and that we should just let the doctors do their jobs?

OP posts:
ForkMeImToast · 14/01/2025 19:34

My OH constantly complained about his DF and how annoying he was, how the reason he was sick was because he refused to take care of himself, that he called too often etc. Then he passed away and my OH has felt bad ever since for not doing more for him and for not being more patient with him.

Honestly, for this you just have to go with whatever your OH wants. He is the one who will live with the regret forever otherwise, and he may never forgive you for it if he ends up following your advice.

I do get how you feel about it though - a long, drawn-out death is really, really hard on absolutely everyone involved.

TikehauLilly · 14/01/2025 19:30

I think you let your DH just do it his way.i suspect my DH would be the same whereas my family more pragmatic once our parent went to palliative care...however end of life palliative care vs palliative care is a grey area in that I've heard people use them differently.

Maybe he is just clutching at straws but let him be.

Just be there for him and swallow your feelings.

Soontobe60 · 14/01/2025 19:27

Im really just wanting my MIL to kick the bucket now and just get everything over and done with. Honestly, she's better off gone because all she ever did was just sit and watch TV and complain about her pains and constantly moaning about everything. I sound like a bitch but I really don't care

You couldn't be any more hateful if you tried! Do your MIL a favour and stay away from her so that she can die surrounded by people who actually care for her.

Bfmamma · 14/01/2025 19:25

My mum was on palliative care for a couple of days before we lost her. It was horrific. Your husband knows what is happening, he understands what is happening and is dealing with it how he needs to.
I personally wouldn't take young children to see people on palliative care, my mum wouldn't have wanted our daughter to see her like that and I wouldn't want my girl to go through that. So, I agree with you on that. How ever your bring to harsh and black and white with everything else

sonjadog · 14/01/2025 19:21

You do sound like a bitch, yes. Maybe it is because you are still grieving your DF, maybe you are just someone with little empathy. But presumably you love your DH so try to be sympathetic to him and to his perspectives.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 14/01/2025 19:20

You're getting a really hard time on here aren't you.
I think there's a chance you have some very complex emotions you haven't dealt with and talking those through with someone could help you. I think there's a chance you've avoided her not because you didn't want to get to know her, but because you hurt from losing your dad (in what sounds like similar circumstances) and this apathy is the hard hat you wear to protect yourself in a way. Maybe also to protect your child from the pain you experienced. That being said, you need to dig deep and you need to be the right support to your husband. Right now this isnt about you but about him and your MiL. You don't get a do over here and you need to feel that you have done all you can for him as it will come back to haunt you if you don't. But do think about doing some therapy.
In my life I have lost my sister, my infant son and more recently my grandad. All very different losses and my granddad was very sick for a long time so it was different in the sense that the floor didn't feel like it dropped from under me when he died but in a way I was relieved for him in that he wasn't suffering anymore and he longer had to be brave but could rest.

Topjoe19 · 14/01/2025 19:20

Honestly shocked, how can you be so heartless? I completely agree about your DC however. Try to find some empathy.

youcannotsaythat · 14/01/2025 19:16

If you thought MN was a safe space to express your true feelings you may wish to rethink that! You invited people to call you a bitch and so they have. I think you've been too honest and unfiltered, are probably stressed and there's a backstory which is making you sound hard hearted. Your MIL is at the end of life so be patient and supportive, this too shall pass. Your DH may be in denial to some extent because he can't deal with the idea of his DM dying. All lives have some intrinsic value surely.

Lizzie67384 · 14/01/2025 19:03

Shirtella · 14/01/2025 16:56

Your attitude to your MIL is the reason why I feel so uncomfortable regarding euthanasia.

I completely agree

hazelnutvanillalatte · 14/01/2025 18:52

You're saying your unresolved issues around your DF are causing you to lash out emotionally with this coldness/anger. But these are your issues to deal with. You need to support your DH and realise your outlook isn't healthy and is actually really awful. This is beyond 'being a bitch,' if this is how you cope it's indicative that something is seriously out of sync and you need to address it for your own sake, as a wife and as a parent.

BelgianBeers · 14/01/2025 18:47

Just remember above all else it’s how you make your dh feel that helps him and your ling term relationship.

Mo819 · 14/01/2025 18:42

When my mum was dying as in litrally having cpr my dad refused to come to the hospital because in his head she would be fine and some doctor had told him they were breathing for her. For me I was very practical and went into nurse mode I had started the grieving process years ago when my mums health had started to really deteriorate. It's called anticipatory grief.
Denial is a very powerful emotion.
Your dh may well be fully aware his mother is dying but unable to say the words out loud. Your experience with your father was horrible and I'm sorry you went through that alone but ease don't take it out on your dh

Littlemisscapable · 14/01/2025 18:41

myplace · 14/01/2025 16:53

I disagree, you aren’t nasty. You’ve expressed yourself baldly out of frustration, but your concerns aren’t unreasonable.

Being faced with refusal to accept terminal illness is hard- for him and also for you. He is making choices based on her surviving, which you know won’t happen.

It’s also inappropriate to make a child uncomfortable. Brief visits, yes. Cuddles when he doesn’t want them or long visits, no. The child comes first even at deathbeds.

I assume you are picking up a lot extra because of his focus on his mum? That’s perfectly reasonable, even if it wasn’t support you were given when you lost your dad.

You will get surges of emotion connected to the loss of your dad. Don’t be hard on yourself and don’t be hard on him.

Yes this.

Waterbaby41 · 14/01/2025 18:41

Possibly the most heartless post I have ever seen on MN. You don't just 'sound like a bitch', you are a bitch.

Wisterical · 14/01/2025 18:37

You are monstrously selfish.

Moveoverdarlin · 14/01/2025 18:35

I don’t think you sound like a bitch, well maybe you do, but I completely understand where you’re coming from. I would just bite your lip and hear your husband out. He must know what’s coming but is in denial. I would back away now and I completely agree about not letting your child see her. Ask him how she is, if there’s anything he needs you to sort and just bide your time.

ERthree · 14/01/2025 18:32

Your poor Husband, mother is dying and his wife is heartless.

TeaMistress · 14/01/2025 18:30

You sound incredibly nasty, callous and completely lacking in empathy, your husbands beloved Mum is dying and all you can say is that you "want her to kick the bucket. Beyond callous and cruel.

Cattery · 14/01/2025 18:29

ExtraOnions · 14/01/2025 17:11

You want your MIL to hurry up and die, so it stops being inconvenient to you ?

I’ve heard some cold shit in my time, but that takes the biscuit.

Doesn’t it just. Glad you’re not my DIL.

Katemax82 · 14/01/2025 18:28

strawkymim · 14/01/2025 15:26

I don't agree with you on this

The pleasure and comfort your MIL will get from seeing her grandson should come ahead of your primness about not ‘exposing’ your child to ‘something like this’.

This child is saying he doesn't want to kiss MIL and is visibly uncomfortable with it.

As a small child I remember 2 family members who were dying where I was taken to visit them several times in their last days. I was terrified and hated it, and only have horrible memories of watching this person die slowly. I don't think it's fair to do this to a small child, and this overrides the dying persons wishes.

Show quote history

My daughter was 7 when my fil was dying and she didn't want to be anywhere near him as she was scared he would die in front of her

Jackiepumpkinhead · 14/01/2025 18:27

Aren’t you a delight! Feel sad for your husband.

myplace · 14/01/2025 18:26

Boots on guys. Give her a good kicking.

sherbertcandy · 14/01/2025 18:25

This is so heartless and cold towards MIL and no help to husband. What happened to the vows you took when married? To help one and other? You seriously need help!

Biffbaff · 14/01/2025 18:24

Absolutely disgusting words OP.

Why are you making this about you and your father? If you have enough insight to know that this is your true problem, please extend your insight further into realising that is its own separate thing and is actually irrelevant to this situation.

Your husband and MiL deserve better. This is their hour of need. Suck it up and support them.

LostittoBostik · 14/01/2025 18:24

Would add that it doesn't sound like you have handled your grief either