To think I could make friends in a small town?

@Twoshoesnewshoes I think the same issue arises. Do others want friends? Or are they not interested? It’s been more difficult than we ever thought. We have friends (still) from where we lived before. We haven’t changed as people but we don’t really fit in. We tried! I just would try things out and then look to move.

I do have to say that after I read lengthy objections, from several new neighbours, to minor house amendments on the planning web site, I just decided I’m not interested in trying to be friends. It’s dispiriting but DH and me are ok with our friends and some I would trust for anything and everything.

@Twoshoesnewshoes What type of activities would you join though? Is there a choice? I’m assuming sitting in a pub all night isn’t what you had in mind?

DH and me regularly visited the pub here when we moved in 35 years ago but didn’t make real friends. Just pub friends. It is now closed though. We helped organise our local ball and went on the village hall committee. DH goes for a drink occasionally with people we met at that time and has now known for a long time, but they are not friends we could count on in a crisis.

We were also aware, fairly early on, that we weren’t invited to private gatherings here. Christmas drinks, parties and celebrations etc : events people held where many neighbours went. We had invited people here so gradually realised we just were not their type of person. We also have had neighbours object to perfectly reasonable planning applications we have made (and got!) but the objectors are big mates with each other. Obviously we are excluded. One neighbour actually put up barbed wire and annexed part of our land behind his shepherd’s hut! WTF! So making friends is not possible!

I'm finding this thread a bit depressing... I'm on the verge of retirement, would really like to get involved in things with other people and ideally 'make friends'.
Too many years working from home ... I've few illusions that the lovely colleagues I've known for many years will really stay in touch.

There's nowt going on in our village and it's a fair drive to anywhere that does. The idea of a small town where there are a few things in walking distance sounds appealing but the reality might be disappointing.

Many people don’t have children OP, for many different reasons. That doesn’t mean they go through life without ever making any friends. So yabu for that alone.

I think the key is to try a few different things and see what sticks, where you click with folk. It’s not always what you think it might be - but it also takes time to build up networks. I don’t think 20 mins is far to travel to see a friend though - are you sure everything in a town would be much closer together?

No young WI members here. It would be rare! Most people don’t join whilst working age but a few do. It definitely has older vibes here.

Too young for WI? That’s a bit insulting to WI members who are of all ages from 20s and upwards. I have been going since my 30s.
It’s really okay to talk to people who are older than yourself, they aren’t all ridden with dementia once they hit 40!

I actually think other people must be looking for friendship. If they don’t want or need friends, you are superfluous. I’ve not kept up with mums from primary school as mine went to a different secondary. It’s not easy if you are not swimming in their pond.

I have noticed joining things doesn’t get you friends. It gets you time out of the house.

This is 100% my experience too. In my 40s, I've made all my new friends (who are "friends to do stuff with", love that description!) through work. Absolutely none from going along to classes.

Definitely. Go for it.

If it’s 20 mins drive - try it!

when you find you’re driving there so much that it would make sense to move, then look at moving.

Why not try something after work, since you're already in a city and might be more going on there? Depends if you're after "friends to do stuff with" in which case you might meet them at yoga, book club etc, or friends to have deep and meaningfuls with and go to each other's houses. Easier to get the first, imo.

I’d start driving and look at setting something up yourself where you live as well . There’s more people that you realise who are in the same boat x

I think you should move, you're obviously a social person and are easily able to make friends.

I did an exercise class 20 mins drive away: no one would have noticed if I was there or not. I’ve also joined an art club with the same result. I’ve actually now joined the U3A as I’m older - with the same result. I do lots for them but there’s no friendship forthcoming. People are pleasant but not much else. I’ve been a school governor and nothing going on there socially either. So DH and me keep ourselves busy. We see our old friends regularly and we accept that. The only time I’m ever invited for a coffee is when someone wants me to do something! That’s not friendship.

Is there nothing else going on in the village that you live in? There must be other people/women who are up for doing something - could you organise something yourself?

Put a notice up in the shop/pub/church (whatever!) to advertise for it or to simply set up a weekly meet-up?

It sounds like you have a lovely home and like where you live, so I'd be very wary of changing that, tbh.

Don’t move just do the driving, 20 mins is nothing is it.

I needed to find a new crew as I retired early at 55 and the only friends I have that have also retired young don’t live locally to me. My local friends still have their noses to the grind stone. I joined various hobby groups and also volunteered. I have gleaned 3 really good friends, been to my house and me to them plus others I would go for coffee with. I was fine with jumping groups quite quickly, no time to waste.

Plus do not be mates just for the sake of mates. I joined a yoga group for a term. Well there was an established group within the group who did coffee and had a book club. I just had a bad vibe off them. They were very much Ladies that lunch and lived in the little village near me, where everyone knows everyone I’m on the edge of the next town in the ‘posh bit’ when they found out I lived in that bit they wanted me in.

I have been very wary of over sharers as well.

We have peace and quiet and we are just 5 mins drive from a small town with absolutely loads going on. We have a settlement here of around 25 houses and there are village events. However we aren’t friends with anyone.

Neither am I friends with anyone I meet at the clubs and events I attend in the town. DH and me are never quite sure why this is, but I have noticed joining things doesn’t get you friends. It gets you time out of the house. DH and me have long standing friends from a different era of our lives and that’s fine for us. There’s certainly groups who have known each other for many years in the town, know each other from church and actually don’t need anyone else. So they are “friendly” but don’t need you as a friend. I think you would have to be very outgoing to make friends and go above and beyond to get noticed!

I have been in a smallish town for just over two years and its only now that I have started to make a few friends (and I am in my mid 20s). Mostly through work but a couple from my local sports club. I am an introvert though!

But wouldn’t it be easier to overcome your reluctance to drive in the evening than to move unnecessarily, especially as you sound happy with your house and surroundings now? Imagine how much pressure you’d be putting on your evening classes or whatever to provide good, sustaining friendships if they had to compensate for a house you didn’t like, neighbour noise etc!

I moved countries aged 49 and have made lots of new friends here (even though the move was just before Covid), but many of them don’t live in the city I live in at all, but in towns or villages half an hour’s drive or a train journey away.

So I don’t think it’s impossible at all to make new friends in your 50s. I do think, however, that there can be places where the kind of people you like just don’t exist (like the last place I lived where I realised I just wasn’t a good fit socially), so for that reason I’d be reluctant to move from a place you like to somewhere you’re not sure about purely because you want friends in your immediate vicinity.

I mean, people will travel to take yoga and pottery classes, so they may well live in outlying villages too.

You could always move later though, with friends and networks already in place?