My stepdaughter is happy about my pregnancy and it’s causing friction in my relationship

Oh, one big thing: don't use her as a babysitter for having date nights when she has so little time with her dad as is.

Presumably they live with you? They therefore have a stable relationship with you and are confident of your continued involvement in their lives.

This child sees her father 2/14 days 😳

They barely have a relationship already and now he will live full time with a new child.

Babies need a lot of focus. Her fears are understandable. She will no longer be his sole priority - if she even currently is. It isn’t in her best interest to have a new sibling and she recognises that.

Comments like this is exactly what I mean OP.

I think you can request it somehow on your original post? I've not done it before but it deffo can be done.

What if you position it that she's going to be a big sister and focus on that, maybe even (after speaking with her birth mother) suggest she comes round more because her little sibling is going to miss her when she's not around, get her to think of the things they'll do together, write letters from the baby, get a present from baby to her, arrange for pictures of the four of you, or little trinkets showing you're a family of four not a family of three etc.

OP, one thing you can do is talk to your partner and tell him to stop living in denial that everything is all happy happy here. He's got to face that his daughter has a lot of negative feelings about a new baby and ignoring it won't make it go away.

I think sadly OP there is nothing you can do until your SD sees things remaining the same once the baby is here.

I was very lucky that my SCs were happy when they found out we were expecting a baby, but I was very prepared for them not to be.

I can see how it feels really hurtful though, personally I'd just try and steer clear of her a bit until the baby comes. Just be civil and don't try anything more, it's really on your other half to try and manage her emotions over this.

Imagine he moved out and lived with his DD, coming back to you and your baby every other weekend. He told you not to worry, he still loves you just as much as he ever did.

13 is the age where hormones go hand in hand with stroppy behaviour, so the timing of her having a half sibling is unfortunate.

Rather than not talk about the baby I would involve her more if she wants to be involved.

She's not a fool, she's playing up with her dad and other family members but is keeping it in check with you so far.

Perhaps because she's mistakenly thinking if she upsets you, that you will turn her dad against her.

I would have some very clear cut plans that involve special times for just her.

Have a look at her bedroom at yours and see if it needs updating so it's clear she is part of your family in your home as well as the home with her mother.

OP, imagine if you'd always had a long-distance relationship with your DP where you only saw him 4 days a month.

Then he moved one of his mates in and that mate was there 90% of the time that you visited, so you got even less time with your DP.

Then your DP said he'd found himself another GF, who was going to move in with him and that he'd still see you 4 times a month, but both his mate and his GF would be there each time; how would you feel? You'd be angry, feel pushed out and probably dump him wouldn't you?

Now, obviously, relationships and parenting are different, but your DSD has already had her (very limited) contact with her dad diluted by your presence and now he's telling her that he's going to have another DC living with him full time and everyone knows how demanding babies are.

You & DP will probably be tired when DSD visits and distracted by nappy changes and feeding and winding and changing the baby.

She'll be trying to study for really important exams whilst a baby cries or a toddler shrieks and plays in the house. There will be (even) less time and money to be spent on her and yet everyone is telling her what great news this new baby is.

Have a bit of empathy for the child. Your "happy news" is pretty shitty news for her.

I was 10 when my parents divorced. By 12 I had a lovely new stepmum. I adored her but I would have been devastated if my dad and her had a new baby. They didn’t in the end as one of the key reasons was my dad felt it would impact on me.

She can still love you and be devastated by the baby news. It’s a huge thing for a child and she is still so little!!

A sub of grown adults complaining about how hard their life is with their step kids they don’t want yet chose to get with a man with kids?

I mean, yeah it sounds difficult, but she’s a child whose world is being turned upside down. I feel quite sorry for her. You’ve received lots of good advice and ideas from people with more experience than me but just had to say that.

@Newmum0207 Of course this poor teenager is justified in feeling very concerned about her taking second place and being usurped by a new child.

It’s a huge age gap and bound to be tough on her.

No wonder she fears she will be usurped.

My response was to everyone jumping on that poster when tbh she’s right? Maybe should could have worded it more eloquently but if you’re going to put yourself in a messy step parent/kid’s situation it’s really not a nice situation for a child and you have to be an adult. Her post is the perfect example why. It’s littered with resentment about her step daughter & overreacting to the smallest thing.

You should ask for this to be moved to the step-parenting forum OP, we are much more sane over there & we can talk about our own experiences of being step parents.

You will get no advice on AIBU about this, they do not like blended families and all the advice they will offer you is that it would be better if your baby didn't exist.

Honestly op, what do you mean you have no experience of blended families. You've had a 13 year old in your life, so I'm assuming you have a relationship. I'm sure you've thought about his daughter and her reaction to another child before you became pregnant.

She needs to be valued by both of you. Ideally, equal to your own child. You need to be the adult, that means no excuses about no patience and pregnancy hormones. She's a child who's father has a new relationship and now he's having a new baby. Think if it was you in that position. He needs to reassure her too, and perhaps set aside one to one time with her.

Any chance of you guys moving closer so he can see her more? Why has that not happened before now?

Ok but this doesn't help the OP. Fact 1 DH has a daughter. Fact 2 they are having a baby.
Doesn't matter if it was a good or bad idea, it's done now. So telling the OP she shouldn't have done it isn't helpful. She needs to work out how to help DSD not be one of these stats

Oh my goodness you are ONE PERSON. I said look at the statistics. It’s generally bad for kids to have step parents. It’s really not good for kids.

https://www.iol.co.za/lifestyle/family/parenting/why-children-with-step-parents-are-more-troubled-12765482

look at it this way OP she sees her dad 4 days a month which she has to share with you and now a baby.

before she at least knew she was his only child, now she has to compete with a new baby he's sees everyday. She will be feeling massively insecure and worried about her standing with him, whether he will forget about her, love her less etc.

He does need to cut the rudeness and ignoring at the root as that is not okay, but that has to be coupled with reassuring and quality time between them. it is a hard line to toe unfortunately.
He has a teenager. he cannot be afraid of confrontation anymore.