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Original poster

My stepdaughter is happy about my pregnancy and it’s causing friction in my relationship

293 replies

Newmum0207 · 14/01/2025 13:40

My partner and I live together, he has a 13yr old daughter who I have always gotten along with and had no real issues prior. She stays with us every other weekend, she is definitely 13 going on 30 and although I have seen her sassy, slightly ruder side at moments I’ve never had it targeted to me.

We recently found out I was pregnant with our first child together, we mutually agreed that my SD should be the first to know to allow her to process her feelings before we shared with the wider family. My partner sees the good in everything and was adamant she would take it well but I was apprehensive given her age and that there is already jealousy between her and her younger cousins. She has often mentioned that my in laws do not make as much effort with her vs other children in the family.

I thought it would be best my partner tell her one on one so that she felt comfortable to voice any worries as she was feeling them. Later she got upset and told me as she felt understandably worried that her dad wasn’t going to make any effort with her anymore and he was going to forget about her. Not only did it upset my partner but it upset me as something we were so excited about was causing her so much worry and upset. We had a girly day the next day to reassure her it was going to be okay. She soon said she felt she was being silly as she was worrying for no reason.

Since then we have shared the new baby news with my partners family as well as my own. However this is where the issues start, anytime my in laws mention anything to do with the baby she starts to act up, talks over people (about unrelated things) or anything will do that will provoke some attention. I said very little but just asked my partner if everything is okay with her as I don’t think she has as on board as we think she is. I try to keep conversation about the baby to a minimal when she is staying with us and I’m worried it’s going to upset her further. She has recently starting making little comments when my partner isn’t around like telling me he broke up with his last girlfriend because he didn’t want a baby so soon (which is not true) or telling me that his grandmother said if it’s a girl to return it (there are a lot of girls in the family and it was made as a joke but she didn’t mention that part). The last few weeks have been really tough, everything or any choices I have make (things since as new plates I bought for our kitchen) seem to be in the firing line, they are stupid or ugly. Her behaviour in general has just gotten much worse in the last few weeks, she will be extremely rude to my partner and his parents, but he doesn’t raise it with her. Understandably he doesn't want his weekend with her to be a negative one but this means she thinks that is now okay to speak to people like that because she’s being allowed to. My partner is still adamant she is excited and happy about it, but I am really not convinced. We have each other on social media and she normally is very active interacting with anything I post but anything baby related she will not.

This weekend I was given the cold shoulder and ignored any time I spoke or given dirty looks. Which is the first time I said to my partner that enough is enough (the raging hormones, mean I have less patience than normal) as I live in this house too and don’t deserve to be treated like rubbish. It’s causing me so much anxiety as I don’t know what to expect when she arrives, I’m worried about what the future looks like as it seems to be getting worse and I’m worried it’s going become a serious problem once the little one is born as inevitably a baby is going to get a lot of attention. I have made it clear to my partner that her current behaviour wouldn’t be acceptable around a younger child which he has agreed. He hates confrontation and to be the bad guy so I have little hope that this is going to improve.

Please help me, I’m trying to have patience but if I’m truly honest I seem to have none with my pregnancy hormones. I do not have much experience with blended families and neither do my friends, is anybody able to give some advice?

OP posts:
Bumblebeestiltskin · 14/01/2025 18:55

I know you said in your previous posts that your SD's mum moved hours away, so I do understand there's not too much you can do about it. I wouldn't even dream about moving away from the area both me and my daughter's dad live in, partly because we do 50/50.

But EOW really isn't much time for her to spend with her dad, so you need to understand that and take it into account when you're thinking about how she's acting. I hope you can get to a point where you're all happy.

Original poster
Newmum0207 · 14/01/2025 18:53

@Fluufer i can absolutely understand your point. But I also live with my partner and see the other side of a man that will do everything and anything and bend over backwards to ensure he gets contact with his daughter. If it was not agreed for him to see her more unfortunately it’s a difficult time to now try and change that, along with having a teenager who has friends and a social life and also wants to see them at the weekend outside of school. This ‘every dad must be bad because “how could he possibly not be seeing her as often”’ argument is really unhelpful and there are so many more factors, especially when long distance is involved. He has drive to and from to pick her up and drop her off on weekends her mum couldn’t afford to, to ensure he got to spend time with his daughter and wouldn’t think twice about it.

OP posts:
IButtleSir · 14/01/2025 18:51

ThatRareUmberJoker · 14/01/2025 18:40

I don't go around hurling insults at people on the internet to make myself feel better. Your responding to someone who you know nothing about. She has every right to say who can come in and out of her home. Anyone who enters your home should show respect. Katbum hasn't ostracised her sd yet so what they are doing works for them as a blended family.

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She has every right to say who can come in and out of her home.

No she doesn't. Not about the people who are the children of adults who are living in that home with her.

My two year old shows an alarming lack of respect for me at times; would it be acceptable for me to tell her she can't come into my home? Would it be acceptable when she's 13? Or is it only dads who have remarried who are allowed to neglect their basic parental duties by allowing their wives to treat their children like strangers?

adviceneeded1990 · 14/01/2025 18:49

Fargo79 · 14/01/2025 18:39

EOW is not 'barely seeing'. That's mumsnet hyperbole. It's fairly standard

It's little over 10% of the time. Just because lots of fathers are shite and barely see their children, doesn't make it OK.

This. And it certainly isn’t fairly standard! Starting point is 50:50 unless there is a reason not to give it. Easily 90% of the blended families I know have 50:50 or very close.

Tandora · 14/01/2025 18:48

Katbum · 14/01/2025 17:59

They are my relatives. So yes I see them as my relatives. Not sure why that’s bad? They are related to me but not to other people and the fact they are my children means I am responsible for them.

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And yet on every post you’ve mentioned them on this thread , you’ve referred to them as your children.
I wonder why you said “my children” instead of “my relatives” eh? Mystery,

adviceneeded1990 · 14/01/2025 18:47

Katbum · 14/01/2025 18:02

You don’t know anything about my relationships. You just don’t like someone with first hand experience of a blended family telling you the reality that the children who are not related to everyone aren’t everyone’s priority. Doesn’t mean they are mistreated, it means they aren’t a priority for me over myself and my own children.

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I’m a stepmum and I can’t believe your husband actually lets you within 100 miles of his kids. My DH and his sister were raised by a stepparent with a very similar attitude to you. Both are in therapy well into their forties.

Fluufer · 14/01/2025 18:46

Newmum0207 · 14/01/2025 18:45

@Fargo79 please, this thread is not a battle of how much is too little time to spend with a child. Every persons situation is different, there are of course dads who will do whatever it takes to have as little responsibility as possible. But that is not the case here.

This is one of those things that you will get when you have your own child. You will look at them not be able to fathom seeing them so little.

Original poster
Newmum0207 · 14/01/2025 18:45

@Fargo79 please, this thread is not a battle of how much is too little time to spend with a child. Every persons situation is different, there are of course dads who will do whatever it takes to have as little responsibility as possible. But that is not the case here.

OP posts:
Tandora · 14/01/2025 18:45

Katbum · 14/01/2025 17:53

Well I am a stepmother and my home is certainly not my stepchild’s home because she doesn’t live here. She visits to spend time with her dad. There are rules and boundaries and if they aren’t followed to the point it negatively impacts the children who do live here then she wouldn’t be welcome and her dad would have to see her in another location. No parent is going to put their own children at risk in order to accommodate another child.

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She visits to spend time with her dad. There are rules and boundaries and if they aren’t followed to the point it negatively impacts the children who do live here then she wouldn’t be welcome

one of the most disgraceful things I’ve read.

Lilactimes · 14/01/2025 18:43

Newmum0207 · 14/01/2025 18:36

@SometimesCalmPerson
I’ve not once said I expect her to be happy and supportive, I’m unsure you’ve read the original post properly. I have merely explained I am not okay with rude or disrespectful behaviour, the same goes for my niece and nephews. I have held my hands up and said I need to try and have more understanding and extend grace. This response is not very educating or helpful. I have kept my home and ears very open to any worries she has, we have sat we have cried we have hugged it out. But it’s a shame that this thread is riddled of people who will only read what they choose to read, and any other details are disregarded.

I hope you can ignore some of the posts that are getting in the way of the essence of your thread which is your SD is feeling insecure, trying to hide it and is at an age where anxiety manifests as moodiness and anger
about her current life situation!
i posted earlier and i hope you can sift through some of the posts here and read all
those who are supporting you in how to calm your SD and ease things going forward.
good luck Op.

BIossomtoes · 14/01/2025 18:41

The thing that might help is to remember that you’re both a mass of seething hormones - you’re pregnant and she’s going through puberty. It’s a tough combination. My stepdaughter was that age when I was deep in the menopause and I don’t think either of us was entirely sane! Give it time is all I can recommend and cut her some slack.

ThatRareUmberJoker · 14/01/2025 18:40

IButtleSir · 14/01/2025 18:21

You surely cannot be this simple? Although your lack of punctuation suggests you might be.

No, she's not sickening for having boundaries. She's sickening for this:

Well I am a stepmother and my home is certainly not my stepchild’s home because she doesn’t live here. She visits to spend time with her dad.

Show quote history

I don't go around hurling insults at people on the internet to make myself feel better. Your responding to someone who you know nothing about. She has every right to say who can come in and out of her home. Anyone who enters your home should show respect. Katbum hasn't ostracised her sd yet so what they are doing works for them as a blended family.

Fargo79 · 14/01/2025 18:39

EOW is not 'barely seeing'. That's mumsnet hyperbole. It's fairly standard

It's little over 10% of the time. Just because lots of fathers are shite and barely see their children, doesn't make it OK.

Original poster
Newmum0207 · 14/01/2025 18:38

@schoolmum11 thank you, that was the aim. I have managed to get some really helpful tips and advice so I’ll take the rest of the rubbish if it means I can find something that will help a little.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmum0207 · 14/01/2025 18:36

@SometimesCalmPerson
I’ve not once said I expect her to be happy and supportive, I’m unsure you’ve read the original post properly. I have merely explained I am not okay with rude or disrespectful behaviour, the same goes for my niece and nephews. I have held my hands up and said I need to try and have more understanding and extend grace. This response is not very educating or helpful. I have kept my home and ears very open to any worries she has, we have sat we have cried we have hugged it out. But it’s a shame that this thread is riddled of people who will only read what they choose to read, and any other details are disregarded.

OP posts:
schoolmum11 · 14/01/2025 18:34

@Newmum0207 I think you're being given a really hard time on this thread and I'm not a step mum myself. You sound like a caring person who is just trying to resolve a tricky situation.

StormingNorman · 14/01/2025 18:33

Katbum · 14/01/2025 15:57

EOW is not 'barely seeing'. That's mumsnet hyperbole. It's fairly standard. In some ways, it can be better for the child than moving house every few days, which can be extremely unsettling. There is no optimal situatuon when parents divorce. It's rubbish for the kids. You have to do what you can as a parent to make it less rubbish, and what works for your child and the wider family.

OP, you won't get any sympathy on mumsnet as a stepmother. The truth is, this is a very difficult path, and adding a baby to the mix makes it even more difficult. There's no easy path or quick fix, you just have to decide if you can handle the dynamic long term. My advice would be for now to step back from your stepdaughter and focus on the pregnancy and your enjoyment in that, don't let her spoil it. When she acts out, withdraw your attention, go to another room or go out. If she is nice engage and enjoy her, withdraw otherwise. If she continues to be nasty, spend her weekends doing your own thing, go and stay with friends. Hand responsibility for her behaviour to your partner, because he is the parent and you are not. It is not your responsibility to make your stepchild feel loved by her dad, that's her dad's job.

In an ideal world you would decide together on the rules in your home, the consquences for breaking them and act as a team. In my experience that's not easy when you are not the parent and the dad has guilt and pain over the breakup and their relationship with the child. As I say, no ideal here. With any luck you can work with your partner to set boundaries and all will work out when baby arrives and she loves her sibling. Try to talk to your partner and work out how you are going to manage as a family. Make it clear that it is not a long term option for DSD to act out.

Edited

Teach her SD to be an emotionally stunted people pleaser? I don’t think punishing her SD for having natural feelings will help to be honest.

IButtleSir · 14/01/2025 18:30

ThatRareUmberJoker · 14/01/2025 18:12

Why are women so venomous on stepmum threads. I don't know why step mums ask for advice when all they receive is abuse.

Prioritising the needs of the children over the desires of the adults in a situation, and expecting the adults who know that child to do the same, is not venomous.

IButtleSir · 14/01/2025 18:27

@Arthurnewyorkcity You sound like a lovely step-mum.

SometimesCalmPerson · 14/01/2025 18:25

ThatRareUmberJoker · 14/01/2025 18:12

Why are women so venomous on stepmum threads. I don't know why step mums ask for advice when all they receive is abuse.

Probably because many of us have children so it doesn’t take a huge leap to imagine the hurt they would feel if when they are 13, their father who is already only an EOW dad decides to have a new family.

Or because many of us have been step children and know how difficult it is.

Or maybe is because step mothers have little awareness of anything other than their own relationship bubble and so often seem to think that they will never have to deal with bad behaviour, when quite often it’s their existence that’s causing it.

IButtleSir · 14/01/2025 18:25

BeardyButton · 14/01/2025 18:07

The Cinderella effect in action. Imagine your kid being treated like this and their father shrugging their shoulders. So awful. Poor kids!

A man who is ok with their child being treated like this in his home has absolutely prioritised his happiness. What he cared about was forging a home with a new woman. Having children with her. If his other child toes the line great. If not, then that child is reminded that this is not their home and they are not welcome if they can’t show respect.

Would you apply the same rules to your own children. Say one child is disrespectful to you or a sibling. Are they sent off to an aunt and told they can’t come home until they behave?

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Would you apply the same rules to your own children. Say one child is disrespectful to you or a sibling. Are they sent off to an aunt and told they can’t come home until they behave?

I would also be very interested to hear the answer to this question.

StormingNorman · 14/01/2025 18:23

Immo8 · 14/01/2025 15:04

You should ask for this to be moved to the step-parenting forum OP, we are much more sane over there & we can talk about our own experiences of being step parents.

You will get no advice on AIBU about this, they do not like blended families and all the advice they will offer you is that it would be better if your baby didn't exist.

There has been a lot of advice on the thread and it’s a lot calmer and more rational than most of the threads on the step parenting forum.

Fargo79 · 14/01/2025 18:23

ThatRareUmberJoker · 14/01/2025 18:15

Really for enforcing boundaries. This is news to most parents on Mumsnet KIDS LOVE BOUNDARIES.

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You're being deliberately obtuse because as you know, the objections are not about boundaries; they are about not considering stepchildren to actually live at their father's home and threatening to ban them from the home if they behave in ways that are problematic. I wonder why you didn't feel able to defend the actual position being discussed and instead felt the need to misrepresent it?

I wonder if @Katbum's shared kids with her husband are to be given their marching orders if they become troublesome as teenagers 🤔

catandcoffee · 14/01/2025 18:22

Reverse the situation.

Think about your reaction

if your partner said

"I'm getting a new partner "
but don't worry it'll be fine.

Of course she's worried and angry.

IButtleSir · 14/01/2025 18:21

ThatRareUmberJoker · 14/01/2025 18:15

Really for enforcing boundaries. This is news to most parents on Mumsnet KIDS LOVE BOUNDARIES.

Show quote history

You surely cannot be this simple? Although your lack of punctuation suggests you might be.

No, she's not sickening for having boundaries. She's sickening for this:

Well I am a stepmother and my home is certainly not my stepchild’s home because she doesn’t live here. She visits to spend time with her dad.

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