My stepdaughter is happy about my pregnancy and it’s causing friction in my relationship

She has seen her grandparents favour her cousins so now she is worried that they will favour your baby. She is also afraid her father will favour the baby and forget about her as her grandmother has done

Your partner needs to speak to his parents and tell them what she thinks and get them to engage with her more, likewise he needs to do stuff with her.

include her when you buy stuff for the baby, let her help choose clothes, pram etc, can she help a bit preparing the baby’s room. Can you also decorate her room at the same time?

@NameyMcNameyson my husband chose me and my two children, I couldn't imagine life without him and he's given us all so much. My life wouldn't be what it is if I'd only dated men with children already.

What's important is working towards a healthy blended family, and as the OP is here asking for help tells me that's exactly what she wants

At 13 her behaviour should absolutely be corrected... I have a dc with a new dh. My dc have never been disrespectful to my dh in over a decade... Never been negative about their new sibling either... Not to be accepted as hormones or feeling of being pushed out.. I bet her df told her in an apologetic way about the baby. Nonsense.. A new addition to the family not a replacement. She 13 not 3...she's being bratty.

13 is already a very tough age. Now her father is having a baby that will live with him full-time while she only gets to see him part-time. Her negative reaction is practically inevitable.

her father needs to double-down on positive attention both now and after the baby is born.

he needs to do everything possible to reassure her that he isn’t replacing her with his second family. Not by telling her, but by showing her with his actions. The problem with that will be that many men are in fact perfectly happy to push out their older children in exchange for the younger children there every day. If he isn’t sincere, she is going to see right through him.

The teen comes first. Not daddy's current girlfriend, and certainly not dad himself - I find it so selfish to do this to kids. I really don't understand why anyone would take on someone who comes with kids, it's ALWAYS messy. There are tons of single people who don't have the complication of previous children. If she found one of those, she wouldn't be on here complaining about a 13yo girl.

This gives me vibes of trying to oust her step daughter, which is so common if you read the step parenting forums when she new partner has a baby. I hope she’s not in the Dads ear all the time trying to separate them. What examples of her “rude behaviour”? She called plates ugly? That’s it? It’s probably banter.

She is feeling threatened she will lose the love of her father. First you come along, and now a baby.

She probably feels well and truly sidelined, even though that isn’t your intention.

How long have you been together? It seems he had another girlfriend in his daughter’s life prior to you, which probably adds to her feelings of instability. How many girlfriends has she had to deal with? I say this, as my brother had girlfriend after girlfriend, and his poor kids met them all.

Be patient and kind - she is just a child.

She barely sees him and she’s understandably worried about how a new baby will impact on their relationship and time together.

@NameyMcNameyson your comment is absolutely ridiculous - why on earth should the OP only have a relationship with men without children. It's ridiculous and adds nothing to the current situation.

@Newmum0207 all you can do is give clear boundaries on acceptable behaviour but have her as involved as you can be. I'd actually talk to her about the baby more, where will baby sleep, how might that impact her, helping her be involved so she can feel like she is welcoming the baby not fighting for her place

I think you are misreading her behaviour as being about you and the coming baby. It isn’t. It’s about her and her dad and other relatives.

The other relatives need to be more considerate about how they talk in front of her. Her dad needs to step up and respond appropriately- not by telling her off, but by investing lits of time and attention to her and by reminding her to speak kindly to you.

None of you is more important than anyone else, you all have needs that deserve consideration. One of you is 13 and so will struggle to behave appropriately.

How come he sees her so little?

In the Mumsnet phrase, you have a DP problem, not a DSD problem. His daughter is understandably feeling worried about the impact a new half sibling will have on their relationship, so what is he doing to reassure her? Is he doing anything (or is he just burying his head in the sand with all this ridiculous "she's so excited about the new baby!" business?)?

He needs to step up and parent his first child better. He doesn't get to "not like confrontation" as a get out of doing the more difficult parts of parenting, he can't just insist that she's fine because he doesn't want to deal with her not being fine.

Your step daughter needs reassurance, consistency, security, attention and boundaries. I'd be having a word with your partner and getting him to face up to things now because they will get much, much worse if he doesn't. Is there someone else in the family who can talk with him, does he have a sensible older brother or something? You and his daughter both deserve for him to parent better here.

She's a 13 year old who's already had her world turned upside down by her parents splitting up, it sounds dad had a previous girlfriend he then split up with, and now you're on the scene and having a baby that is getting a lot of attention and excitement from the family and of course she's worried about how it's going to affect her!! You need to act like 30 year olds here, not her.

Poor little lass.

Is there a reason why he hardly sees her?

Can he not step up and be a more equal parent? It may help her to feel less insecure.

IME teenagers will push boundaries, test your love for them and see how far they can push you away and you’ll still be there in a loving non divorced family.

this is a difficult time to throw a baby into the mix. Both of you but especially her Dad need to reassure her not just with words but with actions.

Also btw you and your DH are the adults and a lot of your post makes you sound like a young child throwing their toys out of the pram.

I think it's important to put yourself in your SDs shoes. No 13 year old is 13 going on 30. She is still a 13 year old young girl.

Once you have this in your head then try to understand a little of how her fear of losing her dad is like to be primal. Don't forget she doesn't live with you full time so sees her dad on a limited basis. The issue isn't you, don't make it about you. The issue is there is a little girl who is feeling insecure and needs to know she's loved and cherished. I would say it's massively down to your DH to spend as much time wjth her as possible and even when baby is here to make sure he dedicates time to her. Being 13 is an insecure time. She has hormones to deal with too. Be kind.