My stepdaughter is happy about my pregnancy and it’s causing friction in my relationship

It does sound like he can’t be bothered to parent his daughter. He’s just burying his head in the sand and pretending she’s ok. It’s OP that’s putting the work in to make sure she’s adjusting to the baby. Great for OP’s longterm relationship with her DSD, but I worry that there will be lingering resentment that Dad didn’t respond to how she feels.

Could you address the timeline query OP? How long have you been in her life? Living together etc?

I am half deaf so half the time I didn't notice their tantrums. I am sure my children felt I was ignoring them. Tbh I don't know why I said anything to begin with I like children I would never give up on a child if they are in my care.

I have learned over the years that not all women are maternal they can just about tolerate their own children. Tolerating someone else's child might be a step too far for them.

@ThatRareUmberJoker I can’t see anything wrong in that advice.

My posts are all very centred on the child involved. There are many great step parents out there - women and men who enrich the lives of kids who aren’t theirs biologically. BUT there is a lot of evidence on the potential for harm for step children. “Blending” families is a tricky tricky pursuit. I’m keen to avoid it for my own! And I’m very critical of parents who lose the run of themselves in pursuit of their own happiness and harm the children. BUT! I have nothing but praise and admiration for those step parents who are able to navigate the tricky mess of blended families and enrich and positively impact chn who are not their own biologically.

I've gone through the teenage years and it's not easy. My girls always brought home some sort of drama from school. It's obvious op cares about her SD or she wouldn't be asking for advice. My advice will always be show love and kindness but at the same time don't be a push over. It could take the op a good couple of years to make her sd feel secure. She needs to persevere and eventually her SD will grow out of it.

I am never going to agree that it is acceptable for someone to tell a child they are not welcome in the house THEIR DAD lives in.

Oh for pity's sake, I was making a joke to point out that all children are disrespectful to their parents at times, but most of us realise we can't banish them from the house for it. My two year old disrespects me by ignoring me when I tell her it's time to change her nappy. I don't believe that none of your four children ever ignored you as toddlers.

@ThatRareUmberJoker I presume that other poster was simply defining disrespect thus. Semantics!

2 year olds don't disrespect their parent they tantrum because they expect their parent to always say yes. From when they are a baby everything is done for them and as they get older they learn they can't always get their way. That's why they call it the terrible two's.

That '13 going on 30' comment also has another effect:

It suggests a glint-eyed resentment; a sense there's another woman taking time and attention away from my man and our baby.

No matter she's 13.

You seem to be seeing her as a rival.

If my partner tried to tell me my children weren’t welcome in our house, he’d be the one quickly learning something new about who is and isn’t welcome.

@Newmum0207 You sound lovely. And don't give any attention to some posters telling you your DH is not a good father because he's not having his daughter over more often. They have probably not read the thread where you explain clearly that it's about long distance and DD's wishes. Also, I think some women have some shit experiences with crap dads who don't want to see their DC and therefore tend to see all men in that narrative.

What you can do: Try to make your DSD an ally by telling her how much you will need her when baby is here. Go on about how lucky baby will be to have an older sister who can teach them everything. Ask about her opinions about toys, clothing etc. Tell her how happy you are to have another female around and how lucky your baby is to have her.

Either you have an odd notion of respect, or you kids didn’t follow typical developmental patterns. Disrespect (again depending on definition) to developmentally typical at the age of two. And its not effected by “how they treat each other”.

@Newmum0207 but he isn’t parenting is he. He is blindly going along lalalala everything is fine everything will be alright when the only way that will happen if he steps up and parents his child

to do this he needs to understand that first of all she is 13 and it is a difficult age and that she is getting a new sibling so she is going to have some tricky and difficult emotions to go along with that that he needs to recognise as (a) being ok and (b) something he needs to deal with and try and help her with her insecurities

Poor kid!

If it's her house then she does have a right in who can come in and out. If there is a safeguarding issue and her other children could be affected then he will have to arrange another location.

I have 4 children they were never desrepctful to me at the age of 2. How do you treat eachother?

I’ve also called my stepchildren my stepchildren? I call my mother in law mother in law but she’s still my husband’s relative!

It’s not the step parents who are the problem… it’s the parents.

Im a step child. My mother divorced my deadbeat dad when I was about 7. She met my step father when I was 9. They moved at a glacial speed. I became aware of his existence when I was about 11. She asked, when I was 13, if I’d have a problem with her remarrying. she stated then and there that there’d be no more kids.

It must have been hard for my step father… it was really obvious that he had zero say over my behaviour. The odd time he’d interject, she would firmly tell him that the conversation was between me and her.

My mom is not a typical example. She was the higher earner, was totally independent financially. My step father was not typical either. He was completely fine with this. He adored me. We had a fabulous relationship. But he seemed to really get that even in that context, I could easily feel like the outsider, so he - like my mother - accepted that I was the priority and he was second fiddle. It must have been tough. But it worked. It worked because my step father was not an “equal” to my mother in his own house. And he graciously accepted this. He’s dead now. One of my very favourite people. I adored him anyway. But I especially adore him now I’m a parent.

The problem is the parent! They prioritise themselves and risk damaging their first children by doing so. They say to themselves “I deserve to be happy”. And off they go, to pursue that happiness. And sometimes that works. The OP seems like a lovely step parent. I genuinely hope it works for her and her step child. My life was enriched because of my step father. But often it doesn’t work. And when it doesn’t it’s the parents fault. But often - when it becomes obvious that blended isn’t working for the first children - it’s too late… there are more children involved who have needs etc. Then “step” mothers prioritise their own children and view the firsts as “their partners relatives”.

I’ve had this chat with my dh (though I’m aware words are meaningless). We’ve both agreed our chn together will be the only chn we have. Based on a recent mn thread where a first was made feel totally unwelcome in her fathers house and her fathers will had been changed to her detriment, we have both met w our solicitor to change our wills.

I can’t guarantee that this phenomenon won’t affect my kid, but I can try my best. I brought these kids into the world. They deserve for me to prioritise their happiness. I do not deserve to sacrifice their happiness in the pursuit of my own.

Pretty much sums it up.

Yeah I can see that you aren't comfortable discussing his shortcomings as a father. Interesting that you don't mind the people discussing it who are married to similar men and defending this kind of low contact.

EOW is not parenting.

Edited to add, it's only being discussed at all because it's directly relevant to the reaction of his daughter which is the whole point of your thread.

He's going to be seeing his new baby every day, and his other child every second weekend
No wonder she's insecure.

The op is having a baby she can't go back in time to stop the pregnancy. Should the op allow her SD to continue with the attitude?
They do need to talk more and include her in everything they do. Involving her will help her accept what is happening and hopefully she will fall in love with her new baby sibling.

All due respect, but he's had 10 years to try and see her more. You may think he's doing his best, seeing her as much as possible, but plainly, he isn't and hasn't been.