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AIBU?

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Original poster

Him not seeing his son

66 replies

user0872883848 · 14/01/2025 08:52

I've been talking to someone. We get along really well. We have a great connection and click well.

Just one thing. He has a young child whom he doesn't see. No abuse or anything. Was an accidental pregnancy and the child's mother was annoyed at his behaviour and told him to leave them (her and their child) alone. He did as she said and hasn't tried since.
He bumped into her not long after and she asked why he hasn't contacted. He said you told me not to.

This is a sticking point for me. Even if I accept this how can I go on to have a child whilst knowing that they have a half sibling that they can't see. And what's to stop him not doing the same to future child.

He says I'm being unfair.

I'm nd so I thought I'd ask here.

Aibu to not be comfortable continuing things to get into a serious relationship with someone who chooses not to see his child?

OP posts:
Original poster
user0872883848 · 14/01/2025 09:19

B0xes · 14/01/2025 09:16

I think I can sort of understand. He's paying cm so not abandoned all responsibility. But when I was a young mum to my first, I didn't want my child out of my sight. And my child wouldn't have wanted to occasionally see someone who felt like a stranger. And when I went back to work I would have resented using my precious free time to facilitate playdates in a way that would be comfortable for my child. It's also going to be painful for the father. I kinda get it. And in any other context, if a woman says "leave us alone", and that request is ignored - it would be deemed harassment.

Mmmmm.

With the harassment thing, what about when he bumped into her not long after and she asked why he hadn't contacted and said she didn't mean it.

And he didn't even send one message so why would that be harassment?

And say it was because he didn't want to harass why not fight legally? Why not try mediation?

OP posts:
FoxtonFoxton · 14/01/2025 09:17

JimHalpertsWife · 14/01/2025 08:59

It would be the bin pile for me.

Same for me. Immediate no.

B0xes · 14/01/2025 09:16

I think I can sort of understand. He's paying cm so not abandoned all responsibility. But when I was a young mum to my first, I didn't want my child out of my sight. And my child wouldn't have wanted to occasionally see someone who felt like a stranger. And when I went back to work I would have resented using my precious free time to facilitate playdates in a way that would be comfortable for my child. It's also going to be painful for the father. I kinda get it. And in any other context, if a woman says "leave us alone", and that request is ignored - it would be deemed harassment.

IsawwhatIsaw · 14/01/2025 09:14

JimHalpertsWife · 14/01/2025 08:59

It would be the bin pile for me.

Nice and succinct.

Original poster
user0872883848 · 14/01/2025 09:13

Daisyvodka · 14/01/2025 09:08

The fact he says you are being unfair, means that he either thinks you are are stupid, or he is.
Everyone on the planet knows that if you have a child, you should provide and care for them, and if you don't you are at risk of causing harm to an innocent child.
So he's trying to make excuses for his shitty behaviour.
There is no bloody excuse.
If he thinks it's okay to do this to a CHILD, then what will he think is acceptable to do to you?

This is the crux of it.

It's not even really about me.

But I'm imagining an innocent child sat there with a parent who can't be arsed basically. Then I go on to have a child with him. Say we didn't break up, everything went well. How do u explain to my child that their father has another child they don't see and further to that they have a half-sibling that can't see? I can't do it.

OP posts:
Original poster
user0872883848 · 14/01/2025 09:09

For full transparency, I have a child. I'm a single mother. Child's father was abusive and he's chosen not to see her because he doesn't want a court to dictate contact. You know how it is. It's so common.

He's saying that ^^ and the fact that I'm a female is clouding my mind.

OP posts:
Alalalala · 14/01/2025 09:09

Oh it’s because you’re female that you have a moral compass, is it?

I would struggle to see why you would stay with someone so substandard.

IGotBigKidsAndICannotLie · 14/01/2025 09:09

"He's saying I'm just saying this because I'm a female and don't understand"

Ruh-roh

Snugglemonkey · 14/01/2025 09:09

There is nothing to stop him doing it with you. He has shown you what kind of man he is. Believe that!

Daisyvodka · 14/01/2025 09:08

The fact he says you are being unfair, means that he either thinks you are are stupid, or he is.
Everyone on the planet knows that if you have a child, you should provide and care for them, and if you don't you are at risk of causing harm to an innocent child.
So he's trying to make excuses for his shitty behaviour.
There is no bloody excuse.
If he thinks it's okay to do this to a CHILD, then what will he think is acceptable to do to you?

Original poster
user0872883848 · 14/01/2025 09:07

Pays cm yes.

But yes I agree with you all.

He's saying I'm just saying this because I'm a female and don't understand. Even if I disregard my feminism, what's to stop him doing it with me

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 14/01/2025 09:01

Does he send her any money? It sounds like he really has no integrity - why would you risk being the next woman he sleeps with and then is a single mother? Big red flag.

JimHalpertsWife · 14/01/2025 08:59

It would be the bin pile for me.

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 14/01/2025 08:58

Does he pay maintenance for the child?

What made it accidental? Did he slip and fall and impregnate her?

Surely you can find a better man. Why would you want children with someone you already know has no contact with an existing child? He won't be any different with you.

Original poster
user0872883848 · 14/01/2025 08:57

Agix · 14/01/2025 08:54

I feel doubtful that she told him to have 0 contact with his child. Sounds like something a man would say to excuse the fact he hasn't bothered with his kid YANBU to be wary.

I do believe that part.

He was sorting some personal issues and said he couldn't see child for X amount of weeks (usually saw him weekly) and she (rightly imo) didn't react well.
So I believe that.

But it's bytheby really because it's still his choice.

He said he doesn't want to have his contact dictated by a court. I said it hasn't even got there. You haven't even any a message.

OP posts:
Agix · 14/01/2025 08:54

I feel doubtful that she told him to have 0 contact with his child. Sounds like something a man would say to excuse the fact he hasn't bothered with his kid YANBU to be wary.

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