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AIBU?

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Original poster

Him not seeing his son

66 replies

user0872883848 · 14/01/2025 08:52

I've been talking to someone. We get along really well. We have a great connection and click well.

Just one thing. He has a young child whom he doesn't see. No abuse or anything. Was an accidental pregnancy and the child's mother was annoyed at his behaviour and told him to leave them (her and their child) alone. He did as she said and hasn't tried since.
He bumped into her not long after and she asked why he hasn't contacted. He said you told me not to.

This is a sticking point for me. Even if I accept this how can I go on to have a child whilst knowing that they have a half sibling that they can't see. And what's to stop him not doing the same to future child.

He says I'm being unfair.

I'm nd so I thought I'd ask here.

Aibu to not be comfortable continuing things to get into a serious relationship with someone who chooses not to see his child?

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 14/01/2025 10:19

Wow, what a message - what a toad!

You could’ve avoided hassle by dropping contact with him when you found out.

Willyoujustbequiet · 14/01/2025 10:16

There is absolutely nothing attractive about a deadbeat dad.

Run a mile and be grateful you've dodged a bullet.

Louisetheroux · 14/01/2025 10:01

user0872883848 · 14/01/2025 09:07

Pays cm yes.

But yes I agree with you all.

He's saying I'm just saying this because I'm a female and don't understand. Even if I disregard my feminism, what's to stop him doing it with me

Off the point of the thread, but did he actually use the words "a female"?

I'd bin a man off for that alone. Reveals a lot.

Didimum · 14/01/2025 10:01

Huge, glaring red flag there. There is no excuse for this whatsoever. Dump.

Goodadvice1980 · 14/01/2025 10:01

Message back OP, “you’re right, we’ll just leave it there” then delete/block and move on.

YesIReallyDidOK · 14/01/2025 09:58

user0872883848 · 14/01/2025 09:50

He messaged me saying:

I told you that I want to have a family!! Go home to my gf/wife and child/children and be a happy family, if that makes me a bad guy then so be it, but I'm done with women trying to make me feel bad or tell me what's right.
You will never understand so we will leave it there

So I guess I'm doing everything wrong here. I'm not even trying to be judgemental and I don't think he's a bad person but I guess that's it.

That is a very, very manipulative message. However nice he seems (or, I'm guessing, constantly tells you he is) he is not a good person.

Mauro711 · 14/01/2025 09:56

user0872883848 · 14/01/2025 09:50

He messaged me saying:

I told you that I want to have a family!! Go home to my gf/wife and child/children and be a happy family, if that makes me a bad guy then so be it, but I'm done with women trying to make me feel bad or tell me what's right.
You will never understand so we will leave it there

So I guess I'm doing everything wrong here. I'm not even trying to be judgemental and I don't think he's a bad person but I guess that's it.

Oh god he's awful. He's now trying to manipulate you into thinking you are the problem here. He is! He sounds like a butthurt incel. Please walk away, don't bite back, just walk.

JimHalpertsWife · 14/01/2025 09:51

The thing you are doing wrong here is trying to even have any relationship at all with such a twat

Sprogonthetyne · 14/01/2025 09:51

Sounds like he already had his foot out the door with the inconsistent contact, then jumped on a comment possibly made in the heat of an argument as the excuse to do as he already wanted to and abandon the child.

The fact that the ex asked why he hadn't been in touch suggests that she said 'leave me alone' to mean 'I want to stop this discussion/you to leave because we all need time to calm down' not 'I don't want you to ever see your child again'.

Even if he had thought she meant never contact her again, why wouldn't he jump at the chance to resume contact once he discovered she didn't intend to prevent him seeing the child.

Original poster
user0872883848 · 14/01/2025 09:50

He messaged me saying:

I told you that I want to have a family!! Go home to my gf/wife and child/children and be a happy family, if that makes me a bad guy then so be it, but I'm done with women trying to make me feel bad or tell me what's right.
You will never understand so we will leave it there

So I guess I'm doing everything wrong here. I'm not even trying to be judgemental and I don't think he's a bad person but I guess that's it.

OP posts:
Mindymomo · 14/01/2025 09:47

I’m not liking the way he’s talking to you one little bit, glad you’ve seen this side of him before you get serious with him.

ReachingOut8 · 14/01/2025 09:46

Whilst I understand people saying no they wouldn’t date him, my ex doesn’t see our kids and he doesn’t struggle finding women to date him. So doesn’t put most off

IButtleSir · 14/01/2025 09:42

user0872883848 · 14/01/2025 09:26

Granted, that's true. But really you need to drill down in to this and speak to him about it, it will help you understand more and you can better assess what kind of person he is.

Thank you for that B0xes. You're tight.

Please don't waste your time doing this! Just stop talking to him!

Spondoolies · 14/01/2025 09:38

Bin

Original poster
user0872883848 · 14/01/2025 09:38

He needed weeks to sort out a problem so couldn’t see his child?

Exactly. It was to do with his housing situation. But I pointed out that she didn't have the same luxury. You cannot pick and choose to see your child.

OP posts:
Beezknees · 14/01/2025 09:37

I would not touch this man with a barge pole. Anyone who doesn't see their young child is a horrible person.

EverybodyLTB · 14/01/2025 09:35

user0872883848 · 14/01/2025 09:25

Of course he hasn't met my child. What do you take me for?

I have been single for 6 years. I haven't jumped from an abusive relationship to entertain him.

This is a unique situation for me. Because usually they would be blocked immediately.

I've done the freedom programme and a da course. He's not abusive, quite the opposite, hence my confusion

Show quote history

It’s great that he hasn’t met your child, but you’re still contemplating a relationship with someone who is a complete piece of shit! IMO it is actually abuse to abandon your child. Also the ex was ‘unhappy with his behaviour’ must have been bad if she never wants help or a break from him. He needed weeks to sort out a problem so couldn’t see his child? Who else can or would do that? The mans a pig, block and forget.

2chocolateoranges · 14/01/2025 09:34

For me a man who makes no effort to see their own child is a huge red flag for me.

This would totally put me off him. If he can disregard one child he can do it again.

Fluufer · 14/01/2025 09:29

Massive red flag. There's not really any acceptable excuse and I would run a mile.

JimHalpertsWife · 14/01/2025 09:29

user0872883848 · 14/01/2025 09:07

Pays cm yes.

But yes I agree with you all.

He's saying I'm just saying this because I'm a female and don't understand. Even if I disregard my feminism, what's to stop him doing it with me

What is about that that he thinks your tiny female brain cannot understand?

Original poster
user0872883848 · 14/01/2025 09:26

Right *

OP posts:
Original poster
user0872883848 · 14/01/2025 09:26

Granted, that's true. But really you need to drill down in to this and speak to him about it, it will help you understand more and you can better assess what kind of person he is.

Thank you for that B0xes. You're tight.

OP posts:
Original poster
user0872883848 · 14/01/2025 09:25

EverybodyLTB · 14/01/2025 09:21

I don’t know why you’re wasting time trying to understand any of this. The man’s a waster and also seems to think you’re an idiot! I hope he hasn’t met your child. Seek therapy to understand how you’ve gone from an abusive relationship to actually entertaining a man who has done the same to his child as your ex has done to yours. I say that kindly, I needed a lot of therapy to understand why I had repeated patterns. This man is absolutely no good. Dump and be done with him.

Of course he hasn't met my child. What do you take me for?

I have been single for 6 years. I haven't jumped from an abusive relationship to entertain him.

This is a unique situation for me. Because usually they would be blocked immediately.

I've done the freedom programme and a da course. He's not abusive, quite the opposite, hence my confusion

OP posts:
B0xes · 14/01/2025 09:23

user0872883848 · 14/01/2025 09:19

Mmmmm.

With the harassment thing, what about when he bumped into her not long after and she asked why he hadn't contacted and said she didn't mean it.

And he didn't even send one message so why would that be harassment?

And say it was because he didn't want to harass why not fight legally? Why not try mediation?

Show quote history

Granted, that's true. But really you need to drill down in to this and speak to him about it, it will help you understand more and you can better assess what kind of person he is.

EverybodyLTB · 14/01/2025 09:21

I don’t know why you’re wasting time trying to understand any of this. The man’s a waster and also seems to think you’re an idiot! I hope he hasn’t met your child. Seek therapy to understand how you’ve gone from an abusive relationship to actually entertaining a man who has done the same to his child as your ex has done to yours. I say that kindly, I needed a lot of therapy to understand why I had repeated patterns. This man is absolutely no good. Dump and be done with him.

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