DH has little to no relationship with DD

He's a crap dad and whilst you know that's damaging for your child, you're willing to facilitate that because you like your lifestyle. That's the long and short of it.

My father was/is completely indifferent and uninvolved in my life too. Was very close to my much older half siblings though. Always prioritised being at work over being with me, even though (like your husband) he didn't need to do that. On weekends he still found things to do that didn't involve being with me. My mum didn't have the financial means that you do, but she did have some family support and I am hugely resentful that she allowed this situation to play out as it did throughout my childhood. It impacted my self esteem profoundly, and has continued to do so. It's affected all areas of my life. Having an absent father who is actually physically there is very painful in its own unique way.

He doesn't want to be her dad and he's making that crystal clear to everyone on a daily basis, but most heartbreakingly he's making it clear to your daughter.

L

Sounds pretty bad. Would he get better as she gets older and no more “sitting in the floor” required? Not necessarily as it sounds like more an attitude problem than an age problem. He’s fit and healthy enough to work long hours and for a weekly drinking session.

then saying he just meant as she is pale and his older DD has lovely olive Italian skin

This comment is unacceptable and I wouldn’t allow him to brush it off with some (slightly racist) nonsense about skin colour.

Are his older children both female or does he have a son? I’m wondering if the fact that he actually wanted a son and so isn’t now engaging properly. Regardless, you’ll need to play things very carefully. Sounds like his plan is to do sod all for the next ten years and then perhaps he’ll pop up as the “great dad” when she’s about 13 and you’re divorced.

I don't really think you understand what a deadbeat dad is!
This guy is working and fully funding OPs lifestyle which includes 3 days of nursery a week for the child so OP has plenty of time to do whatever she likes, it certainly won't be running around like a headless chicken doing the housework as they have a cleaner as well.
Could he be more hands on as a father, well yes obviously but considering he has adult children already and was 'presented' with another pregnancy in his late 40's he's probably run out of steam for the early years of child rearing (I'm not saying it's right but it seems the most relatable reason for his distance).
Personally, I would appreciate the lifestyle provided for the family and avoid rocking the boat, he will more than likely get closer to his daughter as she gets older.

Or doesn't really sound as if having another child was something he had any interest in, but also supported you with the decision to go ahead with the pregnancy? Has he always worked the same hours? Was your assumption that because you went ahead with the pregnancy he would suddenly change his habits? I find it a bit weird you're happy to cause a potential disparity between your children by sending one to private school and not the other two who live at home, I agree with him there, and as the mother of all three, I'm surprised you'd want to cause that possible rift between them. He's not interested in doing it all again. He's not interested in changing anything- not saying that he's right- he's being a selfish sod- but he's not going to change and he's proved that.

The novelty of having a younger woman wife has obviously worn off with a toddler of his own now involved.

Bingo! I can't think of anything worse than being a parent to a 3 year old in my fifties, but he obviously agreed to it so he should sort himself out.

This.
And why does doing bath time for DD hurt his back but playing golf doesn't ?

My 2.5 year old is proof it can indeed fail 🤣🤣🤣

It's certainly true that you have less energy in your 50s than your 30s but YANBU your dh should be making much more effort with his daughter. YANBU to want a break from parenting at the weekend either. Seems like he he had plenty of energy for the things he want to do.

Where I think he has a point is regarding the high level sports (we did that with one of our children, I would never do it again as the cost to family life was huge).

Have you told him how much emotional damage he will do to his daughter if he continues to be absent from her life? Look up Counselling lit on "Father wound"

I do think it would be unfair to privately educated her or spend thousands on sport tuition, even your other (still young) children can’t have that.

Was there a conversation before the bs y was born about how hands on he would be?

I’m surprised he was on board with having another child, as I personally wouldn’t have been if my kids were as old as his.

He sounds like he has a good career and I’d assume that meant that he wasn’t very hands on with his older kids when they were young either.

I wouldn’t expect him to be hands on during the week.
But I would expect him to be on the weekends.

I think if you marry an older man, with money and older kids this is to be expected no?

I can see both sides of the argument OP. I do think perhaps your DH is set in his ways, a creature of habit and he needs to at least compromise and for part of the week prioritise family life. Sounds like he exists on the periphery of it, but also sounds like his working hours are exhausting, perhaps his age is catching up with him - what's he doing about that? To be in good health so he can support and be involved with his family?
I don't see how storytime at bedtime would be too taxing for him. Perhaps you ought to book a weekend away by yourself and leave him to it.
My dad was 42 so a slightly older dad when I was born and to be honest he wasn't great when I was little, he didn't seem to know how to interact but we have a brilliant relationship as adults, he just was less of a kids person.
I have a friend who's grandparents are a bit like this, unwilling to get involved and she makes a point of telling them that if they don't get involved now and make the effort, don't expect the grandkids to want to know them when they're old and frail and wanting support. Bit harsh but it worked.

My brother is 50 and has 2 girls in their late 20’s and then a 2yr old. He loves his son and he is actively involved as both parents work and so he has to care for him 2 days a week. But he makes a lot of comments how he’s too old to be doing it all again etc and I can tell his heart isn’t fully in it.

I’d say you should prioritise learning to drive as i’d be pretty irritated that i’d be the only person working but have to do all the driving around.

I don't agree. This is nothing like the inheritance thread. And that dad wasn't rich anyway.

This girl isn't growing up with her older siblings. She will compare herself to the siblings she grows up with, the ones she will have a little bit of a sibling relationship with. Her father is 52 years old. Expecting him to work until he is passed retirement age just to pay for private education is unrealistic. If the OP goes back to work and starts bringing in some money then maybe they can revisit that idea for secondary education, but right now it is kind of crazy to expect him to commit to paying for private school and then university at his age. When you have limited time left, it makes more sense to budget for the later years. This is just what happens when you have a baby with an older man. You can't expect him to give the same as he did when he 30-years-old and had 30+ years of earning ahead of him and a young man's energy.

Nothing to do with age, he just can’t be arsed. A friend of mine had his third child with a new younger wife, in his late 50s and couldn’t be more involved.

As for energy and aches and pains … he’s 52 not 92. Get some blood tests done as that isn’t normal.

@Dioomly
DD goes to nursery Monday, Wednesday and Friday 8-4 and we have a cleaner who comes Monday and Friday for several hours). I have time for all the things I want to do, sport, hair , nails etc

Maybe this is the problem? You're not really a sahm because you don't spend your time with your child. Do you need 3 days a week to do hair and nails ? Are you a model/actress ? I was greatful to my DH because I was able to spend time with my children. And socialising is easy; there are plenty of playgroups and activities for children. We were always out and about meeting people. Maybe your DH feels resentful because he's working while you're a lady of leisure ?

He may have a better relationship with her as she gets older. It sounds like you have the life you want otherwise. I’m not sure what you gain by leaving or what your daughter will gain. I imagine you going back to work will probably force more involvement from him and things will change then.

He sounds very passive in his family life. I think you need to have a heart to heart and understand what he wants out of the next 15 years and he will probably have some hard truths to say if what he is focussed on isn’t the toddler stage and it is a disappointment to be doing it again but he also wants to support you. We also don’t know how much of his older children’s hobbies, language learning and schooling was being led by him and how much his ex-wife. He might have checked out there too.

If he is hyper-focussed on his pension, he might need a financial conversation about what money there is for your daughter that is reasonable. If he once paid £50,000 for a child maybe he is afraid hobbies can snowball, but that is no reason for his daughter to completely miss out on swimming/french/music at basic level.

If his parent’s death’s were recent, I wonder if he still has unresolved grief around that is making it harder to engage in the language he spoke with them now that they are not around. He might feel like the French family part of his life died with them and he is dealing with it (not dealing with it) by shutting that part of him off.

He’s 50 you moron.

Not 90.

My dad was in his 50s when we were born in the 70s. A far more active hands on dad that most young men in the 70s. Judging by MN, a more active hands on dad than men in their 30s now.

This behaviour is always a choice.

I mean, with two different dads of different means, there are going to be different outcomes. It's wrong imo that two out of his three bio kids to have had a private education. His three kids should all be treated the same, and it's not fair for his youngest child to miss out because his stepkids' DH can't afford private for them.

There was a thread recently along the same lines, but it was about an inheritance. The kids in a family had different dads; one dad was richer so that dad's kids were richer, too. That's life, unfortunately.

I wouldn't want my child missing out because their bio dad couldn't afford the same. Where does that end? The other dad can't afford school trips so mine couldn't go, either? What about uni fees? Weddings? At some point the kids have to accept that they have different dads and that those dads have different means.

Unfortunately that's what happens when you marry an old man

He was looking for a nurse with a purse to facilitate his life into old age.

He probably didn't want more children but couldn't be arsed to get a vasectomy.