DH has little to no relationship with DD

Im in a same sex relationship, I am 50 and partner has had a baby (it took several years). Due to the sector I’m in, I have a long commute so long hours on commute days. But I wfh 2 days, when I get home tasks are shared, so someone is doing baby, someone doing tea and tidying. I do the housework at the weekends. Ive lots of friends but Im foregoing drinks etc as we are up at night with the baby. The only thing I’ve said a flat no to is night feeds on nights before work days as I need to commute and be up in general.

It’s a mindset and what you choose to prioritise. I suspect his wife did the small child grunt work first time too.

Not sure how you work round it, but I’d go back to work as well. He’s not reliable and opts out at your detriment.

Sounds like he cba and carries on doing the things he wants with no thought to anyone else. Op enjoys a good lifestyle for her family but 0 emotional input from dh, sounds like a very transactional relationship. DD will be aware of this as she gets older.

I think you’re probably right. DS is our only child and we were together for nearly 20 years before he was born so that is very different to someone embarking on it all for a second time.

I'm surprised his body is so aged at 52 too. My Grandma struggled in her 60s but had lots of hip and knee operations. My parents manage to get on the floor and play with DCs. Is he too decrepit for sex? Maybe suggest he sees a doctor and in thr mean time stay clear as you don't want to damage his body any further.

He's clearly a rubbish parent and this is maybe the reason he isn't with his eldest mother. But I don't think you can force him to be a good parent.

Because some women are allowed to opt out of earning.

@HollyKnight

That's exactly how learning a language works. My DP is bilingual, he speaks to the children in his 2nd language about 3 breakfasts and 1 bedtime a week. They are 2 and 5 and understand and speak it quite well for their ages. You really don't have to do much when they're small as they're so open to learning language.

I think your children may be resentful if their sibling went to private school. Say you went back to work and used your money to pay for private school, do you think that would make them feel upset?

Sounds like he’s not really interested in having another child. Do you want your child to feel like this growing up? If I were you I would be looking to leave.

It is 91% effective in typical use and 99% if taken perfectly.

Sounds like he wasn’t really wanting to become a dad again. But he should step up since she’s here.

Sounds like he also learnt lessons with his older children with how much the money adds up with all these things with expensive sports and private school and now his edging closer to retirement he doesn’t want to be promising all this money to sports and schooling.

His comment about prettiness I dare say is more a reflection on how he feels about you than your dd. That he and his ex made lovely babies while you and him made a “less” pretty child, so damn well you should have blown up on him on that.

As per you can either argue over it hoping he will change, put up with it, leave him.

He does less than my dad does as a grandad in his 60s!

He can't even manage 1 bath and bedtime a week. He can't play on the floor ever?

I'd be sending him to the Dr if he's so decrepit at 52. He's old sure but not elderly. What a waste, I'd be asking for a big change or be out the door.

I think if anything, your other two children are more likely to resent that their younger sister is being treated differently to them when it comes to school. The older kids don’t matter as much. It’s your kids who are on the scene now and matter.

It's called being a parent or step parent. I look after two autistic children 24/7 I'm knackered. Can I just opt out of parenting too? Or do I need to suck it up and carry on?
OP he sounds horrible. He does nothing with your DD. So what if his backs bad and she settles for you? Tell him to stop being pathetic and be a dad
At the moment you're a single parent anyway so would it really make a difference if you left him?

Of course a discussion on finance is part of it but your attitude seems to be that OP doesn’t merit a conversation because she’s a SAHM which is pretty sad.

It’s interesting that instead of criticising this man for not spending time with his dd (even on weekends where he chooses to play golf), you instead choose to criticise any expectations being made of him.

The other kids may choose or choose not to learn French. As they’ll be entering secondary school, having French soon in the house would be an advantage.

I had one parent speak their mother tongue with me and one who didn’t, I learned the language just fine. Young children pick up languages well.

Oh, I definitely do and I do think that OPs partner could have done more too but I don't know if that changes how he feels. Yes, the child is here now and he should just get stuck in but I think he's feeling too resentful for that.

You should definitely learn to drive. Has he ever suggested that - would he be happy for you to be able to get about independently - or does he enjoy being the only one who can drive?

Who suggested having her in nursery 8-4 x 3 days per week? Him? Did he suggest it so you have time to get hair and nails done and do your sport so you can stay fit and pretty for him?

I think there's a difference between having children in your twenties and again in your fifties, and having your only child in your fifties, though.

Your attitude to this seems ridiculous to me. Not everyone who could afford private schooling for their children chooses to do so or even thinks it's a good idea, you know! It would be much more unreasonable and divisive for your DD to attend private schools while your two elder DC, part of your DD's everyday family, don't.

How about trying to encourage regular short slots of time where he plays a particular game with her, or reads a story to her once she is in bed.

I suggested in a previous post that when she gets a job and starts bringing in money they can then discuss private education for the secondary years. That's not what the OP wants though. She wants what his older children got.

The child is 3 now. He only sees her for a brief amount of time after work. That isn't enough time for her to learn French. And like I asked, how does it work when the other children don't speak French? They aren't a multilingual household. They are an English speaking household.

and I’m sure because you’d hate to start again, you do everything to be sure it doesn’t happen.

OP’s DH had the option to use condoms or even have a vasectomy. He clearly wasn’t that bothered.

I think this is one of the issues with age-gap relationships. Fourteen years may not look like much on paper, but the reality is that while you're still at the age of being a parent, your DH is not - despite what MN may say, very few people actively choose to have a three year old at the age of 52.

It also sounds to me like he supports you to have a very, very nice life indeed - you don't work, you have a cleaner and your daughter is in nursery three days a week. He also supports your two older children. I don't know many men who would take on all of that and have a baby on top.

I was 44 and DH was 50 when our DS was born. DS is now nearly 4 and DH is like any other parent. He does all the nursery pick ups, plays with DS every day and is happy to roll about on the floor with him or play football at the park. When people talk about being too old to parenting I think it’s a weak excuse. DH does more than many 20 something parents.

I think much of it is psychological. People often act in line with their stage of life rather than age. Our neighbours had children very young and now have a multitude of grandchildren. As a result they talk and act like pensioners when in fact they are the same age as DH.

DH reckons having a toddler in your 50’s is great!

I can't help but think he didn't really want another child. But I do think he's probably aware that he's going to reach retirement whilst she's in the expensive teen years so needs to be sensible re schooling and extracurricular plus with you not working it's all on him