DH has little to no relationship with DD

Whatever anyone says about being tired at 52 I will want to be an engaged and fun Granny when and if the time comes.

You can't compare being a grandparent with being a full-time working parent to a toddler.

You think 3 is the cut off age for a child learning their parent’s mother tongue? That’s ridiculous.

We used to laugh at work about the older Dad with toddler twins who dawdled around at work early evening to avoid going home for bedtime and went to every after work drink going.

It is very sad OP because your DD is missing out on being Daddy's girl and having a fun relationship with him and he is missing out on the fun of being with her which would keep him young in mindset. No doubt she will tell him all about it when she's a teen or older. He is failing her and not being part of your family.

Whatever anyone says about being tired at 52 I will want to be an engaged and fun Granny when and if the time comes. It's attitude not age that makes the difference. And I was an old mum.

Yes, but you said:

Being a sahm is a valid choice. When did feminism stop recognising women's choices and the role of women in the house hold.

What role does she have? She doesn't bring any money in, she does minimal childcare and housework. He pays for everything, including for his step children, works 5 long days a week and is 14 years older than her. The relationship is so inequal that it's not hard to see why he would feel resentment towards her and with that comes fractured relationships. If they hadn't had a toddler they would probably both be working and earning and he wouldn't have had to keep working until into retirement age. I'm not saying it's right that he shows no interest in his youngest child but it's explainable.

Yes and interesting how the man is not being judged dor not getting a vasectomy. If he didn't want children she should have been using contraception too.

I think the issue here is that you married a man in a totally different life stage for you, and then chose to have a baby with him.

I'm not for one minute saying it's okay for him to opt out, but you have a 14 year age gap and existing children who have absolutely nothing in common due to their age gap, and now you've both added another child with an even bigger gap again.

It sounds like the baby wasn't planned and he didn't feel like he had the right to tell you to have an abortion - but also that neither of you discussed or thought about the reality of bringing a new baby into this.

There's a big difference between being a step-parent to two older primary aged children and being a full-time parent to a toddler when your own children are already fully grown. I'd wager most people at that stage in life wouldn't want to go back to the baby and toddler years.

That said, you're there now and you can't change it, so he really ought to step up and be a parent - however that may mean you also need to step up and get a job or do something to take the pressure off a bit too.

But they both agreed to that. They both feel there is benefit to op being at home..that doesn't mean he gets to be a shit father who makes no effort with his child.
Op isn't complaining he isn't doing housework, it's the fact he has no relationship/ bond with his daughter as he spends no time with them.

I know...wish she would shut up about that point.

She is a sahm for 2 days a week though, the other three days there are no kids at home to take care of, plus he pays for a cleaner to come in and clean two days a week. OP is more of a housewife than a sahm.

I have a friend, I love her but she is a chancer and a gold-digger. Not her fault, she was raised like that by her mum. She found a much older rich foreign man, and her contraception quickly failed. She then starting insisting on her dd being treated the same as his own children, namely, setting up a trust fund and buying her a property in London. She pushed and pushed and pushed. Did not end well. But she is undeterred, she is now dating an even richer man!

All of the judgement because op is a a sahm.

They both agreed op would be a sahm until year one. Being a sahm is a valid choice. When did feminism stop recognising women's choices and the role of women in the house hold. They both chose to put her in nursery, presumably for socialisation and so op can have some time for herself as her husband does no parenting.
Why does he get to opt out of being a father? Op isn't talking him about the practicalities of that, but the fact that he chooses not to have a relationship with his daughter. He may be providing but he is not being a good father.

It sounds like he enjoyed parenting originally and it was a happy time for him. Referencing the prettiness comparison feels like him overtly saying his first wife was very attractive in his opinion.
The older two step kids he’ll get involved with, for the sake of having a younger wife. But never really need to give 100% parenting when the kids aren’t biologically yours.
The final kid looks like a bridge too far, something he supported by ultimately didn’t want. But you did and pushed the decision through to conclusion.
So in his mind it’s on you to sort it, balanced with a mindset that he’s contributing to the whole set up by paying for a wife who doesn’t work plus two kids that aren’t even his to have a roof over their heads, clothes on their back and food on the table.

That’s just my take on it <shrug>

Yes, it does. My dh is a sahd after an operation. I earn. I travel for work too, long-distance, often staying away. I don't lift a finger in the house. When I get back, I expect everything to be spotless and organised. I bust my guts providing, I don't want to kill myself on two fronts, sorry. I am also sorry to say I am often resentful and show it too, that is why my dh never says 'he is tired or wants me to be more involved'.

This he puts in the effort for the things he enjoys doing and won't do the same for you.

And also not speaking French to the new kid is shocking.

Most people who "work long hours" aren't actually working all that time. It sounds suspiciously like he's sitting around twiddling his thumbs at work so he can avoid looking after his daughter who he obviously dislikes.

I suspect he was the same with the older ones when they were little and only became such a loving father later on.

This

Did he only start when they were 3-years-old though?

I said at the very start he should be doing more parenting. I didn't think I needed to keep repeating that every time someone else responded to me. What I don't agree with is that the youngest child should be treated like his eldest were when she is part of a completely different household. The current cirumstances is what matters. And I don't think it is realistic to expect him to work past retirement age just to put his youngest through private education and university. Imo they should be saving money now to put her through university so the man can actually retire one day. If the OP wants more than that then she needs to pick up some financial slack.

Again with the language thing, did you start hearing the second language from the start? Because that's different from having someone suddenly starting talking at you when you're already a 3yo English-speaker. I had that with my own father. He started when I was a bit older too, I'm not sure exactly, 3 or 4, but my brain was very much "English" by that point so I always had to internally translate it. I only remember how to count now because no one else speaks it.

To be blunt, he got himself a nice younger model 14yrs his junior, is done parenting, accepted you wanted another or it was an ‘oops’ pregnancy. The shine of the younger wife is now off and he’d rather be at work or out with his similar shit dad or bachelor mates.

The 8-4pm 3 days a week is odd. I agree.

Surely not necessary?

Anyway, a man like ths will be off havng affairs soon. He feels entitled.

Unfortunately this is what happens when women are blinded by £££. It might seem like a nice life to have plenty of money and be a SAHM along with childcare, but what you’ve traded for that is a much older husband who has little to no interest in his new child.

I think at 49 with 2 adult children it would have been abundantly clear to me that he wouldn’t be wanting to start again, but the cynic in me suspects OP probably saw the new baby as a way to secure the non-working lifestyle as presumably he wasn’t funding her being a SAHM to kids that weren’t his.

@SouthLondonMum22 OP does opt out of parenting. She’s an SAHM but she’s her daughter in nursery 3 days a week, 8 am to 4 pm. So the OP has lots of time to herself during the day. That doesn’t change the fact that her husband is proving to be a very poor and unloving father and that is very worrying.

I think you are unreasonable about the schooling.

Unless you send all 3, you cannot just send the youngest. You're so caught up in the comparison of the older 2, that you can't see what a bad idea that one is. Move on from that and focus on the other issues.

Also, you've no idea what he was like when his children were smaller. He may have been hands off them too until they got older, like he is with your older ones. The wife likely picked up everything too. Remember, they split for a reason.

You are living in a guilded cage. Everything comes at a cost. You've married a wealthy man, you are a SAHM. No chores to split, as you have help. He may see your 'job' is to parent as he's at work all day.