DH has little to no relationship with DD

The same thing is happening on another thread right now. Maybe both threads are about to poof...

Why have all the OP's replies been deleted but the thread is still up? Never seen that before.

I don't disagree and have said as much, but at 52 he's doing 12 hour days, supporting a family of five as well as potentially two adult children and also has a three year old at home.

You can't compare that to a grandparent.

The comments he made were horrible so it's good you went mad about that but in all honesty not every many men would be glad to be a dad of a 3 year old at 52. For him it is not the best decision.
Private school would be a 14
year financial commitment if she went from age 4 - 18 so he may well have retired before she finished school meaning she would have to leave before she finished. Would he be able to afford private school if retired? Not everyone can work until 66 as health often doesn't allow it. It sounds like he is doing a lot of work for the family.

1. Only earner for a family of 5 where 2 of the children aren't his. That is huge.
2. The only driver. Again tiring and a big responsibility. He is running around your children. That's not actually his responsibility to do that but nice that he does.
3. He won't have the same amount of energy with your child now as he did with his first two as he is decades older.
4. Maybe he feels resentment at being in this position as it's unlikely he would have chosen it. Yes he should have taken responsibility and had the snip earlier.

biscuitsandbooks he's not going to need to be a full time parent after work or weekends. My DCs Granny took the kids in her late 60s for half term and weekends. It's possible to do more at 52 than OPs husband is.

He’s a failure. Revolting.

He sounds awful. Comparing his toddler daughter's looks to his older daughter's, saying that she isn't as pretty is an absolutely horrible thing to do.

You say you don't want to leave but it may be the only way to protect your daughter. Could you go back to work? That would definitely give you more options if you could afford to support you and your daughter.

Is anyone else confused about why all the OP's replies have been deleted? I read the first couple of replies and there was nothing offensive in there.

Bloody hell, does he even like your daughter? I'd be telling him to sort out his attitude or fuck off. Your poor daughter is going to grow up feeling like her dad hates her. Don't let it happen

Obviously, if he didn't want a child he should have prevented it.
Why on earth did he not have a vasectomy? Or at least wear condoms?
That is on him.

He's probably coasting now that his plans of early retirement are shot. Can't say I blame him.

So just to get this straight, you don't want to be a sahm, you just don't want to work. Which is fine, but please owe it because you are giving sahms a bad rep. The ones I knew were all about spending time with their children, putting their careers on hold. So he probably thinks you ought to do the childcare since he's working ft and DD is in nursery 3 days a week. He probably never wanted to become a dad again but reluctantly gave in, is feeling resentful towards you, and unfortunately towards DD by proxy. This is sad for your DD. Insist on him teaching her his language and spending time with her. He will have to see DD as a separate unit from you to build a bond with her.

The OP also does less than most people and she is in her 30s! She doesn't work, doesn't drive, her daughter is in three full days of childcare and the household has two days per week of cleaners.

Despite what it probably sounds like, this isn't criticism of the OP! But people are acting like he is swanning around and leaving all the drudge work to her when that's not the case at all.

Unlike a PP, I don't think her DH is resentful. I do think he doesn't particularly enjoy parenting toddlers, and figures he has enough money to buy his way out of the situation. The fact that he is good with her older children should give OP some hope that things will improve. In the meantime, I like a PP's suggestion of asking him what activity he would like to take on with her. I would be pulling him up when he complains about his back though, given he can manage golf.

Actually the thing that would annoy me most is the language skills. Foreign language opens so many doors for young adults and is such a brain training skill that I think he is very wrong not to give all 3 of the kids at home that opportunity. It is something he can easily do assuming he still uses the language himself and is something that would connect dd to her eldest siblings, as well as give them all a leg up at secondary school.

Clearly he thinks he is old and a finance provider... although his secret santa give would perhaps suggest his employer might have concerning views...

He clearly earns enough for nursery three times a week, a cleaner twice a week, and paying all the bills. I wouldn't be making comments about his productivity at work. You don't know what he does there.

You don't drive or work
That's a lot on his shoulders

I really don't get why an adult with kids would neither drive nor work as I see both as essential

You work away and opt out of parenting. It is not always possible to keep everything spotless and be a present parent. Presumably without your DH, you'd need to give up your job to look after your DC.

People parent each of their children differently. He was a different man 20 years ago, when his eldest were babies.

parents learn to parent differently over time. Sometimes people over parent the eldest children, and learn over time, that the over parenting was exhausting and not v productive.

I think you need a hobby, where you can prioritise yourself.

why can’t you drive ? You need to be more independent, so you have more choices.

No, this sounds 'labour division' - unfortunately neither of us have inherited wealth or inherited anything - so we have to get money from somewhere. So the division is - I bust my guts at work and you bust your guts at home, but sorry, not both.

That sounds terribly abusive. Your husband is a SAHD, not a slave. Do your colleagues manage to wipe their own backsides? What would happen if your DH left, would you fester away in your own filth?

Sorry OP, but I agree with this. I’m all for dads being active/equal parents, but since you have three days of me time per week, I can see why your partner feels entitled to some time for golf and rest on evenings/ weekends. if it’s always been like this, I understand why he’s ended up without a strong bond with his child, although that’s sad to say. The not speaking French to her is particularly odd.

Have you considered going back to work when your child is in nursery?

I have posted what I think about the OP’s contraception “failing”. Try to keep up.

Not sure what you expected having a child with someone that age....especially when his older children are adults. He's been there done it and picked up the bills along the way for more than 2 decades. I can't imagine having a 3 year old at 52 and neither can you OP since you are still in your 30s

He was a reluctant older dad who didn't really want to start all over again. It's not fair for your DD, but you must have known he wasn't going to be dad of the year. For all you know, he was hands off with his older DC too.
He does stuff with your older DC, so he's obviously not totally useless.
Personally, I would work on evening up the balance a bit. Go back to work and learn to drive. Force his hand for your own sake as much as DDs.