Partner always wants to go halves

If i go out with anyone i only pay for what im eating so split all the time.

Ah OK. A relationship based on traditional "man earns, woman cleans house" gender roles doesn't appeal to me. We both earn and treat each other occasionally. DP probably does more unpaid domestic labour than I do because I'm a lazy slattern with little interest in chores.

For me, it's the fact that he is saying in advance that you'll be going halves - it sounds like he's just mean and desperate not to let you have a penny of his. I wouldn't be happy with this, and I'm a stickler for stumping up, but in a taking turns way and not a going halves - that does seem weird in a loving relationship.

Well, at least he's upfront about it.

On FIL's birthday, MIL generously paid for dinner for everyone.

On MIL's birthday, FIL paid for everyone... Then asked DH for his share afterwards.

But it's still giving me a whiff of a man so cautious about not paying a penny more (but not minding when he gets a free meal). I'd be taking a serious look at his other financial habits.

Rarely, as I don’t get paid in cash. I do contribute a fair amount of unpaid domestic labour to the partnership though, in case you were worried about him being hard done by. It all shakes out to be fairly equal in the end as a marriage should.

This would really put me off - it's not how I want to work joint finances, so if I were considering a long-term thing I'd probably have bailed early doors. After 2 years it is probably worth a conversation and if you are worried about seeming 'critical', you can frame it as a discussion about your general approach to finances, with the 'splitting the bill' thing as a mere introduction. I bet lots more stuff will come up that might make you take pause.

I don't think I've ever gone beyond the first few dates and continued splitting the bill - it just becomes more organic in an unspoken way, as the previous PP mentions. Whoever is flush 'treats' the other, and then change around next time. Interesting that he doesn't repay the favour like this.

It's as though he doesn't trust you to 'take your turn' - and that seems like projection, because he knows he will avoid taking his turn when he can, so he's assuming the same for you.

My partner and I don’t live together, and after 7 years we might never choose to.

This would drive me mad. We take turns, and neither of us keeps a ledger. We’re pretty good at just feeling out whose turn it is, treating when we feel like it, and knowing it will all balance out. For bigger expenses like holidays, we split things (though again neither of us feeling we need to work it out to the penny).

I haven't, I don't know quite how to put it without it sounding like a critical thing.

Going halves is the symptom, not coming across as critical is the real problem. What would be the worst thing that could happen if you sounded critical?

Splitting 50/50 is more fair as if you take it in turns one might end up paying way more than the other. However, what's good about taking it in turns is that you'll feel like he's treating you sometimes and that's nice.
How do you compare to each other in terms of Finances? Are you equally well off or is one of you significantly wealthier?

It’s a bit unromantic and transactional. My boyfriend and I have also been together around 2 years and we just take turns to pay, we don’t keep tabs on it though.

OP, I agree with you, it would be uncomfortable for me too, and it's not about whose half costs more.
If I am at a stage of sleeping with someone, I would definitely take turns in payment. Today he is treating me, next time I am treating him. Paying halves is when we are friends, not intimate partners.

It sounds horribly transactional for two years into a relationship. You can still both pay your way fairly without him being so rigid. I would much prefer to just take it turns to treat the other one, just feels much warmer. It's almost as if he wants to be absolutely sure you're "even" if you split up, rather than him being owed the next meal

He is not a partner he is just a friend. He would do this even on your birthday I would presume? The relationship won't go anywhere, I knew a man like this and.at 55 he is still single.

I really don't understand this either! Taking it in turns is more awkward to me. We might eat at a cheap local Sri Lankan place one week and a Michelin-starred tasting menu the next. We might go weeks without eating out and then forget who paid last time. Going halves bypasses all those issues.

(We did that until we got a joint account... we don't have intertwined finances but there's one pot for both bills and shared fun.)

I hear you…. Sometimes a meal out is a gift from one person to the other… it’s lovely to treat someone and I would be upset if that person insisted on paying half if my invitation was to take them out so that I could express my love/appreciation/thanks to them. Similarly I would not spoil it for my partner if he asked me out for a meal by making a fuss about paying.

I think you're on a slipper slope when you start playing those sort of games. I'd try having a conversation with him if you're that upset about it.

If he always says "will we...." and you say "yes" instead of telling him you'd prefer to do things differently, then you're very unreasonable to be on here complaining about it, instead of just having a conversation with him.

I think it's fine to start with but after two years I'd find it a bit weird, like you are still strangers getting to know each other.

I know a married couple who are like this with all finances - "you owe me £3.50" etc etc it's just really awkward!

In my mind, splitting the bill is something you do on early dates when you aren't sure if you'll meet up again!

After two years surely you can take turns. Or maybe play him at his own game and say well actually you are happy to split it but to only pay for your own items, not to split down the middle. Mirror his not picking over the cost right back at him!

I don't get how taking it in turns is any more cold/distant/not-partner-like than going halves each time.

If it’s not working for you, you need to say something.

I’ve been with DH for 12 years, married for 3 and we both put equal amounts into a ‘fun pot’ and that’s what we pay for dinners out with. Might that work?

I prefer halves to be honest. DP and I have a joint account for bills etc but the rest of our money is ours to do with as we wish, and its more affordable for both of us to just pay for what we ate. If one of us pays for the whole thing its a big dent in the hobby / fun money we both have. If one of us does pay the whole thing then the other will pick up the bill for the next food shop etc. Essentially it all evens out and its pretty much an unspoken agreement that we split things fairly. I agree that announcing it formally at the start of the meal is a bit weird and off putting.

I had a boyfriend once who did this, or sometimes would order his own food and drink at the bar 😂 and I would order my own 😂 then we would take turns going to the bar for drinks

Sit down meals I would transfer him my half of the the money afterwards. I married him and he is still the same (we actually do the you pay this time i will pay next time now) - but it works for us. We split all bills and shopping and what's left is our own. He isn't controlling or anything like that and we split major purchases, he is just a very funny buggar.

What's the 'almost', OP?