Meddling and overbearing MIL

Your dh should get some therapy. You need to stop overthinking and decide how much you want your mil in your like - once a year, once amonth, not at all. Make your decision and stick to it and let this go. You can rationalise crazy.

I would just challenge anything your MIL says that you don't like. When you asked her to wash her hands and she said do you want me to have a shower too??? I would have said 'now that you mention it, yes, that would be a good idea and go get her a towel'. Or I would have stuck to my guns and refused to hand over baby until she washed her hands. I'd have said 'I'm a germophobic, no hand wash, no baby'.

She overbearing, manipulative, meddling, negative and self centred. Just remember, you hold the Trump card, you are baby's mother not her. If you are seen to be the bad guy, then so be it. I couldn't care less. I'm the mother, you've had your turn. At the time when you had the conversation about IVF and eggs, you could have said in a joking way, 'why don't you have Kez's eggs and have another baby? But given they're cousins, the baby might have health issues, so what will you do about that'.

Just turn it back round onto her with questions. My MIL likes to think she's a fountain of knowledge of everything and gives out unsolicited advice and when she does I always knock her back and put her back in her box. Sometimes the advice is well received and sometimes not. You need to let her know 'my house, my rules' and if you don't like it, tough. Have as many children as you like. What's it got to do with MIL? Are you asking her for financial assistance or support? No, so just shut her down.

Since she has no problems being rude to you, I don't think you should hold back anymore. Just make sure DH is on your side.

I would think joint counselling for you and DH. Someone not related can help you (and mainly DH) see ways of coping with this and also help you see it from each others’ perspective.
What happened in DM’s life to make her this way -I’d susppect a very unhappy childhood.

I can never understand how people get so het up about this kind of behaviour.

So she’s a bit me me me, she makes comments you don’t like then you disagree, but tbh the majority of them just need an eye roll and you cringe about them when you remember her later on.

Nothing here is particularly heinous or NC-worthy, irritating yes, but the rest?

And not wanting your child to be around such a person? Don’t be so dramatic. It’s this idea that children should never experience someone who is different to them, who is perhaps eccentric or irritating or annoying, that has led to a generation of children and young adults with 0 resilience, and 0 ability to deal with conflict of any sort, instead they grow up with equal anxieties and inability to function as adults.

Just grin and bear it, walk away and don’t give her any headspace.

My mum used to say things like “ah, so can we pick him up then?” When it came to my baby, and looking back I was immensely over possessive, but that’s something you don’t realise until the kids start to grow up and you get past that newborn haze.

But comments about other people … just meh really. Just let her get on with it. It’s comments is all.

What’s NC and LC please?

You don't have to forgive and forget but you are making yourself unhappy dwelling so much on this. You're NC with your MiL but spend lots of time going over all these slights from the past. You are still giving her headspace.

You are making a mountains out of molehills. If you don't like things she says, just tell her. Go see your FIL and ignore her - youvare cutting you own nose off to spite your face.

And let your husband sort himself out. If he wants to do things his way, let him.

I had a MIL like this. But I dealt with it by largely either ignoring her comments or laughing at her. Because to me , her opinion,thoughts, desires do not matter . They are unworthy of my head space. It is only in her head that she thinks she has power and influence . I am a bit more feisty than you perhaps as I told my MIL after an afternoon of self importance and unasked for opinions that it was all irrelevant to me as I'm going to do things my way . Then added a shrug and a Sorry .

I don’t think PP was saying you should forgive and forget at all. Be NC,LC, whatever works - but make it work for you! Stop looking out for the next thing and don’t let the bloody woman live in your head!

😁

And every time she did the many, many, many things you listed on your OP.. you did what? just sit there quietly? Then give your DH a telling off every time she left about how unreasonable and horrible his mother is?

I feel a bit sorry for the poor bloke actually, talk about stuck in the middle, he doesn't know any different, he has been raised by this mad woman and loves her unconditionally.. he doesn't feel the same way you do, so will NEVER deal with her in a way that will satisfy you, so if you feel she has insulted YOU to your face, why don't YOU just raise it with her there and then, instead of letting it fester?

I think you are completely unreasonable to expect your DH to set boundaries on your behalf (which you refuse to set yourself).. you've got a voice, use it. If you upset her then so what? You could have dealt with this years ago, you are letting her rule you, you are a bubbling mess of resentment, and you are sacrificing your marriage for it even though you are now NC.

FWIW one thing that stands out is the 'grumps' thing, as soon as she piped up that she wants him to be referred to as something else, I would have completely ignored her, looked him in the eye, laughed and said "of course they will call you grumps, you get to pick your own name grumps!", and every time after that I'd refer to him as 'grumps'.. why you all just sit there and let her control all of you is a completely alien concept, you can't accuse your DH of not standing up to her, while you don't either?!

If you don't do it for yourself you need to teach your child by example that they don't need to take shit from anyone, especially people that are supposed to love and care for them.

Lots of sympathy as I have a MiL like this. You have to get dh more on side though. It sounds like he sacrifices your happiness for hers. Stay nc.
I've lived it so sending all the hugs x

Both: keep your distance and let go of the pain

I think it's difficult to let go of pain while the person responsible continues to wound. Distance will make it easier to cope with her when her company is unavoidable, and will not only make it easier for you but also give you the peace you need to be support your husband and children. You don't need to make a big deal of it, or speak badly of her, just step back and...let it go. X

she sounds a nightmare, however the reality is you won't change her. All you can change is yourself. Have you thought about laughing at her, teasing her, ignoring her? She sounds like a bitter unsatisfied woman desperate to be relevant. It's sad really but you don't have to be a victim of it.

Don’t give her any space in your head or life. Don’t talk about her, don’t ask about her. It does sound like your husband needs to reassess his priorities. He is a father now and needs to move on emotionally to be the parent, not worry about his mum.

You clearly hate her and could have been more assertive with her and your husband much earlier on by expressing your feelings to both of them. I certainly would not have been able to bite my lip with some of the things you describe. I would have made it clear that I didn’t want second hand toys, although I appreciated her thinking of us- if she had continued bringing them or making comments, I would have explained again, thank you MIL, but no.

I often feel the husband’s family and mother especially are treated very unfairly by the wife, who always prioritises her family, but this is often the way of things. Any emotionally MIL ( or mother’) knows not to interfere!

What would you do op if your dm was speaking to your dh like this.

@Mum2jenny it's also his choice whether to allow his own mother to drive his wife /partner /mother of his child to such deep unhappiness they have to post on here in despair.

That's also a choice.

Op I felt your pain.

So much of your post sounds so similar to my awful experience.
I would suggest relate counselling ASAP for both of you so a third party can help your dh understand the impact on you.
Secondly I suggest looking up insight on fb or podcasts.
I'm sorry I can't remember the exact name, but it's a podcast about narrasicm and people who won't let anyone else get oxygen in the room.

There is a fb page and podcasts
I'd also start to read about narrasicm and all that stuff.
Your dh is in fog, possibly emeshed.
You have the responsibility and the right to protect yourself and your dc.
You have the right to defend yourself.

If someone was so cruel in a job or friendship or any other situation we would say fuck off or leave.

But often in this dynamic we are caught like flies.

I’d ignore her, but it’s your dh’s choice what he wants to do.

You are giving her too much head space. It’s mot good to store up and keep mulling over all these perceived slights and insults.

She sounds incredibly overbearing and meddling.

She also sounds incapable of considering anyone else's views or wishes. It's clear she won't compromise her behaviour.

It's obvious you don't like her. But it sounds as though you're not prepared to compromise either.

LC was working for you. It was peaceful. Yet you decided to go further to NC. Why? Surely that's made things more difficult for DH? Wouldn't it have been better to stay LC so you could see FIL more and ease some of the stress your DH must surely be under?

Don't get me wrong, it's MILs behaviour that is the problem. But it seems as though she's pushed you so far that you are now stubbornly refusing to compromise. Which is a shame.

Your DH could probably benefit from some counselling. Help him to see how manipulative she is and how it's undermined your marriage.

Surely the ideal for everyone would be a LC relationship where you can attempt to build a respectful relationship that allows DC to have a childhood that includes his grandparents.

Even though you are no contact with her she’s still involved in your marriage because you keep talking about her with your husband. Tell him you don’t want to hear what she thinks about your family and change the subject. You can suggest therapy but it’s up to him how he handles his relationship with her. Let go of your resentment about the past. You can’t change it or her.