DH ignoring me when I speak

Are you me? I often feel like I’ve just got into the flow of the day and getting something done, when it’s time to stop!

Come in scoffing the llast of the chocolate biscuits etc etc. You can guarantee he'll complain that there are none left and then say you'd asked him if he wanted any and been ignored so assumed the answer was no.....

Yes I’m similar.

Sometimes I’m trying to write a text that needs a bit of careful wording and the kids start talking to me. I do ask them to wait until I’ve finished as I can’t do both at once and I was already writing the text when they started.

I'm like this. Complete hyper focus. It's probably the number one thing that DH would change about me, it really upsets him. I've got better over time because I know it hurts him but it's always an effort, and he's got better at understanding that sometimes I need to allow the focus to flow or I get very stressed.

It's actually mentally painful to me to get interrupted. The best way I can describe it is that my thoughts are like elastic, and if I let go of them without anchoring them they ping back and I can't find them again, and that's horrible because I know I've forgotten something unfinished and I'm scared that I forgot something important. I also don't feel like I consciously direct my thinking, I just sort of suggest to myself that I want to think about a certain thing and then (hopefully) my brain goes off and I kind of observe it doing its thing. (And sometimes it just doesn't, it heads off to think about something totally not urgent and not what I want to focus on).

So if I'm interupted in a task it's really hard for me to just go back to pick it up again from where I was, I have to consciously keep remembering where I was mentally when I stopped (which means I'm not really concentrating on whatever interupted me), and if I don't do that I'll almost certainly wander off to something different instead. DH calls me Sidequest.

I end up working late every day because I want to hold that flow for as long as I can, because I know it'll take me most of the working day to pick it back up again. And then I work late again...

Read the post I was responding to.

I have a female friend like this - when she’s on her phone she just can’t hear me. I found it rude but now I am just use to it and talk to her when she isn’t mid task.

Yes, absolutely. Passive aggressive escalation of a habit that annoys is the perfect way to ensure relationship harmony. 🤦‍♀️

How about talking about it as adults when neither person is engrossed in something else?

Ignore him when he speaks to you and when he asks, tell him why. Repeat as many times as necessary.

I grew up in a house where we just spoke to each other so it's normal for me. I would struggle to live with people who didn't respond to me, I'd probably just wait for them to approach me first.

My partner hyper focuses. When he is doing something it’s like the rest of the world dims. I used to take it really personally when he ignored me but realised he isn’t being rude or dismissive, he literally doesn’t hear me. I now talk to him when he is free of distractions.

I don’t think it’s rude to be so engrossed in something you don’t realise you’re being spoken to in your own home. It would be rude if, having got his attention, he then dismisses or ignores you.

If DH is engrossed in something and I want to talk to him I normally lay a hand on his leg/arm/shoulder which gets him to look up. He then (normally) stops what he’s doing and pays attention to me or (occasionally) says something like “Give me a minute” so he can finish whatever he’s in the middle of. I treat him similarly.

I wouldn’t want to live with someone who expected me to always be on alert for them using my name. That sounds pretty demanding. You wouldn’t be able to fully concentrate on anything (other than them!).

I am with this. My DP probably thinks I ignore him and I think that he has no respect for my time and expects me drop everything to listen to him whereas if he is busy it's fine for him to finish stuff off. So I think it depends a bit on how often and what he is doing when he ignores you

My son does this - I suddenly realise he's been talking.... and that I was supposed to respond. Sometimes I don't hear at all. He does it when I'm working, online, watching tv, texting friends.... the assumption is that I'm just there... and I'll tune into him. It drives me mad. I'm trying to teach him that if I'm doing something he needs to respect that and that being in the same room doesn't mean we can't each have our "privacy". He's getting better. There's plenty of time to chat but just barging in when I'm otherwise engaged is never going to work!

If someone is in the middle of something, and you want to initiate a conversation with them, it is polite to get their attention first. And if they say something like 'just a sec', then you give them the time to finish up before continuing. If you do this and they ignore you, when they can definitely hear you, then that's rude. (Although if someone repeatedly interupts me, talks at me, with no thought to what I was doing, then I'd probably start ignoring them too)

If you're just blurting out your question, then you're deciding unilaterally that whatever you want to discuss is more important that what they are doing, and purposefully interupting them, which is rude.

Nothing so important that couldn't give a response. Or else I'd take myself off somewhere where I wouldn't be disturbed.

I mean from his perspective you knew he was in the middle of something and you felt it was appropriate to take over and then get upset when he didn’t immediately stop what he was doing for you. If you were on the phone would you appreciate if he kept trying to talk to you about something?

Well I don’t want my partner to expect me to stop pricing up kitchen units, writing a grant application or helping mum with her banking.

Hell, I don’t really want to have to stop reading my novel if it’s at an absorbing bit.

When would you get anything done if people just walked in and interrupted constantly?

Do you never do anything important out of work hours?

Yeah that would be awkward as hell for me. I don't want to ask permission to speak to my own partner in my own home when he's just scrolling his phone.

You use your nice words.
They may be sending a single text, in a group chat, or writing a grant application.

If they are engrossed, you ask them- have you got a minute to look at this?

Childish I know but I find mirroring behaviour works. Do the same to him, he'll soon get the message although he'll be annoyed at first because all too often men are self centred and he won't believe you're not hanging on his every word!

For arguments sake how is the other person supposed to know when a person is in a text conversation? It doesn't look any different to other stuff you'd do on your phone. I get that argument for a phone call or video call because it's obvious that's what's going on.

I disagree with this. If they are texting back and forth, then it's a conversation, just in electronic format - just like a video call or a telephone call or in-person conversation.

Basically it's exceptionally rude to interrupt someone who is already in the middle of a conversation unless it's an emergency or time urgent.

I’m not sure you can get him to stop. Does he do this to other people or is this rude and disrespectful behaviour reserved just for you?

Are you sure you want to move to a new place with him? He sounds disinterested in you.

To me texts are the not-urgent option that can usually wait most of the time. I'd prioritise someone in person over a text that could wait until later.

I'm a straight woman and I generally can't multitask, talking/listeneing and doing is just something else that will make me arse up on something.

I genuinely don't hear when I'm engrossed in something.