Have you got a "no because" friend?

I like this.

"Not my thistle, not my problem."

I describe this sort of person as the thistle person

"I'm in pain, I'm sitting on a thistle, what are YOU going to do about it?"

Avoid the thistle people

I felt my hackles rising just reading your post. I think @MissDeborah suggestion is brilliant. I would never have thought of that

Oh God my SIL is like this. She doesn't drive and is always moaning about having to carry her heavy grocery shopping now she's middle aged. Yet she refuses to try an online delivery. Conversations go like this:

• If it's too heavy, why not get an online delivery?
• Oh no, I don't like the idea of someone picking out my fresh fruit and veg
• OK so just get the heavy stuff like tins and washing powder delivered
• Oh no but they sometimes substitute for other things and I wouldn't like that
• You don't have to accept a sub and you won't be charged
• No but you have to be in at a certain time to accept the delivery
• You have quite a predictable life and can easily be in for it as you WFH.
• No I don't think it would work

GAAAAARGHHHHH! I have come to the conclusion that she just enjoys moaning about it and doesn't actually want to improve the situation.

The examples you’ve given are incredibly insensitive to you, as well as disrespectful of your time and feelings.

My husband's a bit like this. He's naturally pessimistic (though he thinks he's just realistic) and he has a habit of talking himself out of things. Eg, he would sometimes suggest we all go for lunch out together if we were out shopping. Me: (starts to look forward to the meal) oh yes, that would be lovely! Him (just before we're due to go to eaterie): Actually, no. I don't want to. We can have lunch at home and I don't fancy it any more.

Or he'll plan a daytrip out, start driving there, then if there is a half-hour delay for any reason, eg traffic: "No, that's it, I don't want to do it any more. That's half the day lost now."

It's as if he thinks out loud through the pros and cons of everything, which is fine, but then can't get beyond the 'cons'.

That would drive me mad OP! If she’s a new friend can’t you just phase her out?
I have a friend who solves problems that aren’t there, which is very draining too 🤣

Eg I might say:
I really need to get some new trousers in town

Her : oh nice. How are you going to get into town? Clothes shopping is such a mission!

Me: it’s ok I’ll just walk in. I quite like the time to myself

Her: gosh that’s a long walk! I’ll give you a lift and we can chat on the way? I’ll see if DH can have the kids and I’ll drive you. Trains are running too I think. Or the 67 bus?

Me: ah thank you but it’s ok, plus will stop me buying loads of stuff if I have to carry it all home!

Her: no really, I think he can have the kids, X had a club but we can juggle things around and I’ll give you a lift. It’s meant to rain too isn’t it.

Me: OH MY GOD I WANT TO WALK BY MYSELF YOU ARE NOT LISTENING TO ANYTHING I AM SAYING, I NEVER EXPRESSED ANY NEED FOR HELP!!!

it’s like she thinks I haven’t thought of all these factors myself (rain, public transport). Quite infantilising really.

😂 it’s quite draining. If someone else said the above I’d be like ‘god just phase her out’ but real life non-online humans are multi faceted and we all have our flaws. Just like how I’ve just contradicted the second sentence of this post.

And me. Although, I would have continued the conversation with my plan is to just mooch around and find something. I don't think it's negative, she didn't like what you suggested.

New Look is shite, Marks and Spencers stock is awful and online is too pot luck, especially with cheaper clothing lines.

I suspect you're giving her solutions when she doesn't want them.

Yes. It’s way more mysterious why the OP remains friends with this person, if her conversation is this scintillating.

I have a friend like this! We first met when our children started school, I thought she was a nervous mum and befriended her to help her join in and for our children to get to know each other. 8 years later she is still a negative nancy!!! She always tells other people how much me and another mum have supported and helped her, but everything we say to her she has a " oh, but I can't because... " answer. It's very frustrating, but I just let her ramble on now and don't offer any advice, she seems to like being listened to and always says she's had a great time when we've been out!

This would drive me nuts. If you've got other friends, I'd focus more on them. She sounds exhausting and irritating.

As others have said do read Eric Berne's Games People Play. It has this one and a whole load of others and it tells you the correct response and how not to get drawn in. I believe for this game it's something along the lines of 'oh that does sound like a tricky problem how are you going to solve it?'

Its kinda like when people say they don't have time to exercise, for example, and you offer up plenty of solutions, but its all no no no, they just dont want to

That bears no resemblance to the conversations being described on this thread.

Your friend: We should go for a coffee
You: Sure, when would you like to go?
Your friend: I don't like coffee or going out with people

@Doingtheboxerbeat Bear in mind that I’m ND…

I don’t see anything wrong with what you’ve written, and feel it’s different from some of the examples on the thread.

So the example above about the Autistic woman…who said “Obviously, it’s Winter.” I can see why that comes across as rude but I also know how her mind is working…”well yes, it is cold…because it’s Winter…and I don’t really see the point that’s being made here…or why it’s important enough to talk about…and I’m not sure what to say as it’s either very important to her or obviously an attempt at small talk…and I never know what to say to small talk…and I can’t quite read if she’s happy or sad about the weather because she is smiling but her voice sounded like it’s a bad thing so maybe I should just make a statement that is true…because the truth can’t be offensive because it’s correct and factual…so I’ll go with the obvious…”

”Well. Obviously. It’s Winter.”

When “yeah, it’s bloody freezing isn’t it!” and a giggle was what was expected in return.

And in your case, you acknowledge the reality and then follow it up with a positive, factual statement.

Forgive me if you’re not ND and I’ve assumed you are but if the “Yes, but” statement is a bit of an echolalia thing that you do regularly or a sort of learned response that is an automatic style of communication… (they’ve said something negative so I will put a positive spin on it to make it seem more cheerful)…some NT people will see it as grating if they don’t have any insight into Neurodiversity. I used to always get snide looks and sniggers for saying, “It’s really interesting that…” a lot. I hadn’t noticed. And I had a lot of things I DO find REALLY interesting. I’m highly masking, and do quite well socially so I’m essentially able to mask and “fit in”. But it’s draining trying to remember all the unwritten rules and put on a voice that isn’t interpreted as sarcastic.

But many of the examples given are about power, control and games that people play socially to belittle, manipulate, gaslight even. And that’s a different kettle of fish altogether.

Personally, I think it all comes down to intent and motive. The example in the OP doesn’t sound at all like neurodivergent behaviour. I think it’s genuinely malicious at worse, or someone stuck in a childhood behaviour at best.