Confused about situation with my therapist

You seem to have over reacted a lot.

I'm not sure why you couldn't book a nail appointment around the therapy appointments. You didn't know he'd cancel Friday but you could have just booked it begore/ after it, it's not an all day thing- especially given its just online. Also if Monday is your regular day why didn't you have an appointment time already booked?

I think you're blurring lines a lot, he's not your friend. It's a professional relationship, he doesn't have to reply to you outside of work hours.

@TerracottaWorrier
And I suppose the point is we often don't know the whole bigger picture in our relationships with other people in real life, and sometimes have to give them the benefit of the doubt and realise it's not really about us. And that can actually be quite helpful.

Yes-I definitely don't disagree with that.

It isn't always the case that having bad experiences with men makes it better to have a female therapist however, sometimes it can be the opposite. A man affirming that decent men do not do these things or agree that they're okay for example, genuineness rather than what can be a client's subconscious thought of 'agreeing because they're a woman' (of course I understand it is much more complex than that.

I was mainly replying to a lot of responses saying 'find a female therapist' as though they're always better. There are plenty of crap therapists around unfortunately. A few years ago it made a lot of money to open training centres for therapists. Male and females can be equally crap. Sometimes, a male wanting to be a therapist says more about their character than a female wanting to be-a lot of men can choose a career like that based on their genuine need to help, some females being naturally good at it and think it will be a nice little side-hustle. I am not explaining this well I realise-, a good male therapist can be an excellent choice is what I mean.

I am afraid I cannot remember the title of the book but there was a woman who wrote about her experiences of shocking CSA. It was a very harrowing read. She wrote that as an adult she was referred to a therapist, walked into the room and was shocked at the fact he was male and said 'But no!! You're a man!!' and he said something like 'well, there's a long waiting list, why don't you just give me a try, as you're here now?'

She did and said he was the best thing that ever happened to her (I realise that's just an example).

@TerracottaWorrier - I am not sure if your comment saying it's a bit unfair to say you think your nails are more important to you than his mother's health was directed at me, because I know other people brought that up and I was careful to say it was just to show perspective.

I certainly didn't mean to say I thought you would actually think that - as I know that at the point you became very upset by his treatment of you, you weren't aware of the significant reason. I more meant it that moving forward, as a point of reflection on the whole episode, you can see that he had very significant issues, which usually he would be right not to reveal to you as that is a professional approach in therapy, but then decided to do so as he realised how upset you had become by his changing of plans, so he wanted you to realise he would not do that to you unless it was for an extremely good reason.

I certainly didn't mean to imply I thought you would think your nails are more important than his mother's health.

More that to reflect on how very upset that made you is quite an important part of your therapy process in the light of the bigger picture.

I'm afraid I can't really see what he did wrong. I do think you've over reacted. An individual or a business can reasonably say they need to move or re-arrange an appointment and you were offered a Saturday which you declined. Unfortunately the Monday was not possible afterall.

It does suggest - said with kind intentions - from your emotional response that you have a high level of dependency on your therapist. Although perhaps unsurprising with your traumatic history it is actually a bit dangerous in terms of therapeutic relationships. There does have to be professional boundaries and at times a service may not be deliverable due to sickness, holidays or emergencies and he was a number of clients who he provides a service to. It might be that you need to discuss boundaries and expectations. A professional therapist is not a friend or family and can only provide a service when they can - they are not morally obligated because it's an especially difficult week even if they try to offer a consistent and reliable service to you. They are not a husband, parent, best friend or sibling.

@cordiallyuninvited , surely what’s important isn’t whether men and women make equally good therapists, but whether OP’s previous experiences make it harder for her to work with a male?

I am understanding about all the posters saying to find a female therapist.

I will put out there though that I have a lot of experience with therapists, I work directly with them, I know them, I've trained a lot of them and I've had therapy several times myself, and I can honestly say some of the best therapists I know are male (not all) and some of the ones I am dubious about the abilities of, are female (again, not all).

The therapist that helped me the most was male and I've had several females who were utterly useless. It's not always better to have a female.

I think you've answered your own question by what you say here.

You have built a relationship with this therapist and that's a big part of the process. You feel you can trust him. He has cocked up (or he has put other priorities in front of you, but actually they are significant and important priorities of his elderly mother's health versus yours of getting your nails done - and that is not meant to be snide, but to add perspective). I think he would not usually reveal that to you due to the professional relationship, but realised how upset you were so wanted you to understand he did not let you down lightly.

In other real life relationships, this kind of thing happens a lot so to have this incident to reflect on, that has actually caused you minor annoyance/ inconvenience versus his huge upheaval re his mother could be a very valuable reflective tool for you. You see this as betrayal of your needs to a point you plan to jettison this relationship with someone who you describe as having helped you and better than other therapists. What you could do is realise that you need to work through those feelings and not jettison something that's really beneficial for you because you've over-magnified an imperfection.

No one is perfect so every relationship you encounter in real life will have similar issues. Being able to sort out small everyday issues and get your emotional reaction regulated about them versus the huge red flags of abuse you've previously suffered seems to be central to the work you need to do. And in a bizarre way this incident can help you to do that.

I would stay with your therapist, especially if lots of other things in your life are about to change significantly.

I think, gently, that this is very much a 'you' issue and not something he's done especially wrong. His elderly mother had a fall and you seem to be upset that he didn't prioritise contacting you so you can get your nails and eyebrows done instead of being worried and focussing on his elderly, injured mother.

Therapists are humans too and they're not perfect in every way or able to read minds. Accidents and emergencies happen to even the best and most responsible people.

You're blaming him for other people's behaviour in your life and that's not really his fault. He didn't really do anything wrong.

Perspective, he's your therapist not your boyfriend. I think you need to find another one, why not a woman?

There’s a lack of boundaries here on your part OP and the therapist could do more to instil boundaries also. He shouldn’t be texting you, but I know other countries have relaxed guidelines regarding this, in the UK you would never text your therapist, not in the NHS anyway, you’d be lucky to even get an email response, rescheduling should be done over the phone with number withheld. Conversation outside sessions should be brief/ minimal. You are over reacting OP and you are not treating this as a professional relationship.

Personally, I think your expectations of your therapist are unhealthy and unrealistic.

It sounds like managing this rupture in your therapeutic relationship could be paramount to your healing. I would not run at this point, try to stay with it, explore the feelings it has brought up. Your therapist has taken responsibility and apologized and refunded you. He is not abusing you. He is human, he is not infallible.

The use of ChatGPT for grammar or English might be true, but I do wonder how is he conducting therapy with you if he is needing to rely on this for a response to you.

You mention how good he has been with you, how you have felt safe enough to share deeply traumatic things with him. Do not forget this, this is so important. Try not to put him on too much of a pedestal. At some stage or another, we need to own our past, and develop resilience to recognise and overcome how our past could be effecting our here and now. It sounds like you’ve got some great awareness and insight - I’d try to work through this rupture and redevelop trust, I think it could be good for you. Otherwise you may repeat these kinds of patterns and dynamics in your relationships, particularly with men in the future.

Best of luck to you!

I was recommended a specific type of therapy for my past issues and found a therapist (male) fairly locally who specialized in this.

We never even made it to the first appointment as he dicked me around in a very similar way to yours, and then tried to gaslight me and I decided he wasn’t the right therapist for me. I wrote him an email setting out the reasons why I would like to cancel my appointment and get a refund, and he responded with a really condescending reply about how basically I was overreacting and he’d obviously triggered something in me which we could talk about in therapy.

I responded along the lines of no, I’m not triggered, I just have healthy boundaries in place now when it comes to how I allow myself to be treated by men.

I got my money back and that was the end of that.

Therapists should never talk about their personal lives, that’s therapist 101, so I think you’re right to feel off about that.

I’m not some snowflake nightmare by the way, I’ve had very successful therapy relationships in the past. I really hate people trying to bullshit me though and I also really hate people wasting my time.

I think go with your gut, there’s a gazillion therapists out there and you need to feel 💯 about the one you have.

@TerracottaWorrier of course & the last thing you need is more upheaval & not having the support this therapy is giving you. So plse don’t feel you should or ought change therapist. More that this has been an important insight into how he takes care of things & how that does relate to the way he takes care of the therapeutic relationship & your feelings. Don’t be too hard on yourself for how you’re feeling atm or how you’re reacting about things. It’s a huge undertaking to be going through trauma therapy & it can be really destabilising & hard to carry on with everything while you’re trying to work through all of that. Just do what intuitively feels right for you & plse don’t feel you should find another therapist or attempt to certainly not just b’cos from a completely objective view that’s what I’d suggest b’cos as you say security & containment going forwards sounds like the best option.

I personally wld find WhatsApp contact too loose & not structured enough though & would not want the blue tick dynamic (& all of its associations!) be a part of my therapy but I’m prob v old fashioned & perhaps this is how a lot of therapists privately operate now. It feels very casual but again that’s just my personal opinion not a criticism. It’s good you’ve expressed what having that dynamic in your sessions is doing to you & how uncontained it’s making you feel. Hopefully he’ll start responding more quickly & consider your feelings about it.

Make sure your he knows how vulnerable you’re feeling atm & what kind of impact the therapy is having on you b’cos if there’s a lot of upheaval in changing countries etc & trying to settle you may just need some supportive sessions while you regroup & get onto a more even keel. It sounds like you’ve come such a long way leaving your abusive ex & now trying to fathom out the next steps. Tread gently & take care of yourself 💐

Hi OP you're going through such stress atm that it's not surprising that the things that make you feel safe & contained are adhered to, and equally that your appointments, the certainty they'll happen & your routine with this therapist are maintained too. Esp when there is so much literal & emotional upheaval on your life atm.

So while you might have panicked a bit & got angry, I think this is only natural & I disagree with most on this. Contracting is really critical to the therapeutic alliance & is everything to do with the scheduling of your appointments, the length of time your therapist believes your contract needs to be with them, based on their formulation of your difficulties & what they feel will benefit you etc. But it's a really important part of the process as you are being asked to trust & depend on your therapist - not easy things - & any chinks in the strength of that contract with you & how they conduct themselves, will impact on you in all number of ways. Therapists - well good ones - usually take these matters very rigorously because they are common areas that are going to cause their client to react in some way eg feel abandoned, rejected, uncertain, let down, disappointed, like they can no longer rely on them etc etc And that reaction needs sensitive management too.

Hence why there are strict codes of conduct about managing the business & the therapeutic contract & IMO this therapist has been quite unprofessional & sloppy. Psychoanalysts do not reveal or disclose any personal information because their being a blank canvas is in itself part of the unique aspect of the therapeutic relationship. Now suddenly having this human with an elderly mother & health needs & emergencies is a huge personal disclosure & the lack of profuse apology for having left you in the lurch, inconveniencing you, being unable to let you know sooner etc etc is concerning to me.

Instead none of your feelings were taken into account - which is his job & you now understandably feel you have no grounds to feel the way you do because it was an elderly lady in need./ so have been effectively guilt tripped.

The use of Chat GPT is inauthentic & another red flag IMO. Yes therapists are humans with lives but their conduct is really critical & should be informed by the therapeutic modality they're practising. Thy should be modelling what a good relationship looks like in the context of conveying unconditional regard, mutual respect. & empathy.

It's positive he has broached how you felt & has given you permission to be completely honest about how it made you feel, but I don't like how all that onus is on you. That cos of your "stuff" you're now worrying you've overreacted or projected your experience of men onto him - when he was responsible for that. He doesn't get to expect you to do all the responsibility taking.

I'd see this as the 2nd strike & if anything crops up again that demonstrates poor practice on his part I'd look somewhere else.

Yes in reality they are human & real life events & technology is going to occur - but these people are being tasked with holding & containing such hugely important personal private information & are asking you to take real personal leaps & actually feel that you can trust them with your emotional well-being. They therefore need to be trusted with how they relate to you in return.

I’m a therapist.
OP you aren’t “overreacting”. You are reacting v strongly because by the sounds of it you and your therapist had what is called an enactment. That it feels so strong is part and parcel of therapy. If he is psychoanalytically trained he will hopefully recognise this. It is not wrong that he said specifics about his private life but it DOES reenact that you are put in a position to protect him vs being able to just be angry with him. And unconsciously he also contributed to that. Not a bad thing— it can show you both have a close therapeutic connection.

Your feelings aren’t wrong. Keep talking about this with him as much as feels necessary. Pay attention how he reacts. If he starts being defensive or putting it on you in a way that cuts things off (rather than allowing you to explore your emotions), then however I would think about changing therapist.

A good therapist is also paid to endure the strong “irrational” emotions of the client.

"I felt relatively chill about him cancelling the appointment until it became clear that I wasn't going to know when my next one was until the day it was supposed to happen."

You should see this for what it was. Nothing. He had a good reason. Clearly you need to continue therapy and continuing with him seems like the right plan. Good luck !

100% this

You are obviously dealing with a huge amount of trauma due to your past and I'm so sorry for all that you've been through. But in this particular situation you are transferring these past issues and massively overreacting. He has had a family emergency and I don't think he was deliberately over sharing his personal issues, he only told you when you were so distressed about changing the appointment which is not a normal reaction. If he usually handles changes differently, like you've said he does, then because he was so busy dealing with the emergency he wasn't able to this time, which is why he told you what happened.