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Original poster

Left alone in a park

312 replies

Dmb563 · 13/01/2025 16:47

Please help, My ex looks after my two girls (12 and 10) most weekends. The eldest likes to do park runs on Saturdays but my youngest isn't really bothered. I found out recently that my ex and my eldest had done a park run in a large Scottish city (they've never been there before so an unfamiliar location), and my youngest had been left alone in a play park while they did a 5k park run. Looking at the course, the majority of it is outside the visibility of the park so there would be no way of checking whether she was safe in the park, except a few sections. A 5k takes around 30 minutes to complete - it does circulate the play park but on a very wide basis. Am I being unreasonable to think this isn't okay??

OP posts:
BarbaraHoward · 13/01/2025 21:10

Ghosttofu99 · 13/01/2025 21:06

My concern is the 10 year old might very well be capable of staying in the play park but that doesn’t prevent an opportunistic weirdo coming in and bothering her or worse. It’s all very well to call for help after the fact.

A lot goes on in busy urban parks in broad daylight. It’s great if other poster live in a place where dodgy stuff is less likely to happen and in an ideal world of course it would be ok.

I also think it’s very different playing out ‘alone’ with friends to playing out entirely alone.

At what age do you think the risk of opportunistic weirdos disappears so she can go out alone?

Ghosttofu99 · 13/01/2025 21:06

My concern is the 10 year old might very well be capable of staying in the play park but that doesn’t prevent an opportunistic weirdo coming in and bothering her or worse. It’s all very well to call for help after the fact.

A lot goes on in busy urban parks in broad daylight. It’s great if other poster live in a place where dodgy stuff is less likely to happen and in an ideal world of course it would be ok.

I also think it’s very different playing out ‘alone’ with friends to playing out entirely alone.

DecafDodger · 13/01/2025 21:03

She wasn't alone. Parks during parkruns are busy - no, the people are not babysitters but I'm sure would help if men in a white van actually tried to kidnap the 10yo or she managed to fall and break a leg during those 30 min.

Grumpyoldthing · 13/01/2025 21:03

Op , I honestly get the impression that you wanted to have an argument with the dad , and hoped the internet would back you up .

if you’re not comfortable, let him know.

BunnyLake · 13/01/2025 21:01

elfnumber1 · 13/01/2025 20:56

I was disappearing off with my friends at that age. Out after breakfast, back by teatime at that age ( school holidays). But that was in the 70’s when kids had a childhood.

I think at age 10 your dd has the common sense to not wander off and your dh was in the vicinity.

Friends so not alone.

Alleycat50 · 13/01/2025 21:00

Depends on the child. Personally, I wouldn’t do it and my DH and I were both brought up feral from the age of 5.

If there was a group of them maybe, but alone, no.

elfnumber1 · 13/01/2025 20:56

I was disappearing off with my friends at that age. Out after breakfast, back by teatime at that age ( school holidays). But that was in the 70’s when kids had a childhood.

I think at age 10 your dd has the common sense to not wander off and your dh was in the vicinity.

DecafDodger · 13/01/2025 20:55

it feels my eldest always gets the attention with the running etc.

So what would you want them to do, tell your older DD she and her dad can't do their joint, healthy hobby because youngest can't be alone for 30 min?

BarbaraHoward · 13/01/2025 20:53

Dmb563 · 13/01/2025 20:23

So my youngest has never been to a park on her own (except a rural play park) certainly never a big city. She messaged me to tell me what she was doing and just sat pushing an empty swing on her own. I felt like it was almost a cry for help as it feels my eldest always gets the attention with the running etc. So she has to sit and wait for them to finish. This happens almost every Saturday morning, it just so happened that this Saturday was away from the normal park run they do and I didn't feel too comfortable about it.

So she wasn't overly happy with the plan?

What's your read, why wasn't she happy? I think this is a fine plan for many 10yos, but not all of them mature at the same rate so maybe she's not ready for it, is that it? Or did she just not want to do something to support her sister's hobby? Does she get prioritised at other times?

Snugglemonkey · 13/01/2025 20:51

Lavender14 · 13/01/2025 17:52

I would not be cool with this either. If it was with friends/ in a park well known to the child near home then that's different. But in a completely unfamiliar city where she wouldn't know what to do in a crisis absolutely not.

How did we know she wouldn't what to do in a crisis? Maybe she had a phone, or a plan.

Rachmorr57 · 13/01/2025 20:49

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Ellie1015 · 13/01/2025 20:45

Youngest could join in surely? If she prefers park for 30 mins then fair enough. Why should oldest miss out on a healthy interest? Lovely activity to do with her dad.

soupfiend · 13/01/2025 20:44

In what way was she unsafe?

FigusCarica · 13/01/2025 20:43

@BarbaraHoward she was unsafe and vulnerable and she knew it.

BarbaraHoward · 13/01/2025 20:41

FigusCarica · 13/01/2025 20:40

@PointsSouth It's a personal assessment, like is my run more important than the safety of my child, for example.

Edited

She wasn't unsafe.

OP has updated to say she wasn't particularly happy about it, but that's a different question IMO.

FigusCarica · 13/01/2025 20:40

@PointsSouth It's a personal assessment, like is my run more important than the safety of my child, for example.

TunnocksOrDeath · 13/01/2025 20:38

soupfiend · 13/01/2025 20:14

And there we have it

The answer is to stick her in a room on a screen, connected to the internet no doubt

How healthy. How safe.

Show quote history

i suggested reading a book, or an ipad. What have you got against reading ? Sigh...

Dramatic · 13/01/2025 20:36

Yabu, it's perfectly fine. She's not a toddler and can amuse herself in a park for half an hour. It's up to your ex what he does when the kids are with him.

PointsSouth · 13/01/2025 20:32

FigusCarica · 13/01/2025 20:28

Let's not pathologise parental anxiety, it's a useful evolutionary trait: it's our job as parents to anticipate and weigh risks, some we can live with and some we can't.
The only question that matters is: is it worth the risk.

Show quote history

Quite. And the assessment of worth is not an absolute, it's utterly and unavoidably subjective. Even two parents of the same child can't agree on it.

FigusCarica · 13/01/2025 20:28

PointsSouth · 13/01/2025 19:54

My dad was a copper. Coppers have terrible stories about things happening to people.

But I was still allowed out to play at the park, and I went to school on my own at 10 - or more accurately, shepherded my younger siblings to school. Because my dad, despite the terrible stories, knew that the terribleness was very, very rare. He and mum reckoned that restricting our lives was more likely to harm us than letting us out on our own.

So it appears to come down to a parent's capacity to cope with risk. If the chances of something happening are, for instance, one in a million, then some parents will say., 'no, no - why take any risk at all' and others will say 'that's really not a risk, is it?'

Thing is, nothing has no risk. And the maths are not helpful in practice. So what we actually react with is our ability to handle anxiety.

Edited
Show quote history

Let's not pathologise parental anxiety, it's a useful evolutionary trait: it's our job as parents to anticipate and weigh risks, some we can live with and some we can't.
The only question that matters is: is it worth the risk.

Mydogisamassivetwat · 13/01/2025 20:26

PointsSouth · 13/01/2025 20:15

Thing is, I'm not arguing with you at all. It sounds like you've made a very sane assessment.

Also, I'm always in favour of there being a 'all the kids hang out here' house, and I've always tried to provide ours as an option.

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It’s how I grew up. My dad even converted an outhouse into a games room for me and my friends. I moved out at 16 for a job, but still, me and my friends would still go to my dads most weekends, be put a bar in there on my 18th birthday.

I’ve replicated the same ideal for my children who are very happy.

And yes, I’ve made an assessment based on my circumstances. I feel unsafe walking my dog in my local park, so like hell would I let my daughter be alone there.

SleepDeprivedElf · 13/01/2025 20:26

Yabu I think it's helpful to build independence.

Wolfpa · 13/01/2025 20:24

a 10 year old should be able to play at a park unaided for half an hour.

so your more worried about a lack of attention opposed to having a safety concern?

Original poster
Dmb563 · 13/01/2025 20:23

So my youngest has never been to a park on her own (except a rural play park) certainly never a big city. She messaged me to tell me what she was doing and just sat pushing an empty swing on her own. I felt like it was almost a cry for help as it feels my eldest always gets the attention with the running etc. So she has to sit and wait for them to finish. This happens almost every Saturday morning, it just so happened that this Saturday was away from the normal park run they do and I didn't feel too comfortable about it.

OP posts:
DinosaurMunch · 13/01/2025 20:22

B0xes · 13/01/2025 18:20

Their own town maybe not an unfamiliar city centre.

Also what if youths appeared and made things uncomfortable or dangerous. I've had to intervene in town centres before because bigger kids were throwing stones at smaller or lone ones.

Show quote history

That would be my concern but it's unlikely at 9 am in a park full of park runners. At 5 pm (evening summer) I wouldn't leave a 10 year old in a city park but at 9 it should be fine.

A suburban local park in a safe area is different to a city park where there are likely to be drug users, rough sleepers, more antisocial behaviour. The issue is if it's a park away from home you don't know what it's like.

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