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Original poster

To not want to provide free regular childcare?

82 replies

YeezysBeans · 13/01/2025 15:51

I am a sahm, and I feel like every week I am getting heavy hints or even out right requests to provide free regular childcare for people I know who work and have kids. Some of them I know well and some are just acquaintances.

We have a plethora of paid for childcare options in our area but these don't seem to have occurred to any of these people at all and they seem to think I will jump at the chance to juggle their kids into my week and around my own kid's and households needs.

I have been a working mum in the past and it never once occured to me to ask other parents I knew to provide me with free regular childcare!

I'm a bit fed up of dodging the hints and requests. There's soo many reasons I don't feel up to being able to provide what they are heavily hinting or outright asking for and I'm fed up about it.

I have health issues that I don't talk about, I'm studying, one of my children has mental health stuff happening which again I don't discuss - but I don't feel like I should have to explain why I don't want to provide childcare, and I'd love a response I could use that closes down these people's ideas of me being their childcare solution.

I should add if a friend or relationship ve had an emergency situation I would absolutely help out at the drop of a hat if I could in any way that would help, and wouldn't even want a thank you, it's the entitled assumption that I'll provide people with free regular childcare that I'm annoyed about.

OP posts:
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Snowmanscarf · 15/01/2025 08:21

I wouldn’t say you can help in an emergency, as it’s always an emergEncy…

Whymeee · 15/01/2025 08:18

Endofyear · 13/01/2025 17:23

I was a SAHM for a bit and a woman at school befriended me, invited me to go for coffee etc - turned out she wanted me to childmind her 6 month old twins when she went back to work! Just say no to the cheeky feckers, you don't have to give any reason other than you don't want to!

Did she want it for free?

Rachmorr57 · 14/01/2025 20:08

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

RawBloomers · 14/01/2025 20:07

YeezysBeans · 14/01/2025 19:27

The example with the hinting parent, she was definitely angling for me to offer. I must have tried being sympathetic but non committal and then changing the subject about a half dozen times just in that one coffee meet, I mentioned one of the childminders that does the school in a pointed sort of way rather than trying to help problem solve.

I know it might seem like they're just sharing a stressful situation but even I can tell the difference!

Sorry, OP, I read that poorly (in re-reading, I see your writing is clear) as separate comments not a concerted conversation bringing it back round each time. I think your plan to practice some less kind and understanding phrases might be the way to go!

Nottodaythankyou123 · 14/01/2025 20:03

I’d just say “no sorry, we’ve got a lot on st the moment”. Cheeky fuckers.

I work, and feel awkward asking my family if they can watch my kids for half an hour at a weekend, in case it’s inconvenient, let alone assuming a friend will just happily have them regularly 😬😬🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

Shinyandnew1 · 14/01/2025 19:31

YeezysBeans · 14/01/2025 19:27

The example with the hinting parent, she was definitely angling for me to offer. I must have tried being sympathetic but non committal and then changing the subject about a half dozen times just in that one coffee meet, I mentioned one of the childminders that does the school in a pointed sort of way rather than trying to help problem solve.

I know it might seem like they're just sharing a stressful situation but even I can tell the difference!

If someone seriously bulldozed you through that many attempts to change the subject during one coffee, then they are not your friend! I wouldn't be meeting up with them again.

If this happens to you on multiple occasions with different people, then I'd be looking at making some adjustments to my conversational technique!

Original poster
YeezysBeans · 14/01/2025 19:27

The example with the hinting parent, she was definitely angling for me to offer. I must have tried being sympathetic but non committal and then changing the subject about a half dozen times just in that one coffee meet, I mentioned one of the childminders that does the school in a pointed sort of way rather than trying to help problem solve.

I know it might seem like they're just sharing a stressful situation but even I can tell the difference!

OP posts:
Moglet4 · 14/01/2025 19:15

Mountainpika · 13/01/2025 16:19

I had a friend who had a son same age as my older one. She had a daughter a bit younger than my younger son. We were both stay at home mums. Just before my younger one was due to start school, she was offered a job with her old employer. She had it all worked out - her mother would look after the daughter for 3 days a week, and I would have her for two. No, I didn't want to take my boys to school and then have another child to look after, delightful child though she was. I didn't want the responsibility. I told her no. She never spoke to me again.

Wow

Coka · 14/01/2025 19:11

If anyone starts hinting id jump straight in and say 'oh i know how difficult/expensive it can be. I get loads of cfs asking me to do free childcare for them, of course im way too busy for that'

WineNeededPlease · 14/01/2025 18:47

Maybe they're just sharing with you and not hinting.

I've said plenty of these things before never expecting the SAHM to offer to help! I've just been venting or discussing how hard it is with childcare.

RawBloomers · 14/01/2025 18:08

YeezysBeans · 14/01/2025 16:41

Wow thanks for all the replies! Glad to see I'm not being a meany on this one.

Those asking about what sort of hints and questions I'm getting, I'll give some examples.

One parent befriending me, meeting for a coffee and them hinting over and over about how stuck they were for childcare.

  • "oh I just don't know what I'm going to do for after-school on Fridays...."
  • "It's so hard to juggle it all, I don't know if I can afford after-school club....."
  • "X was having child after school but can't now and I'm so stuck!"
On and on. I'd just respond to each hint with things like:
  • "Yes that must be stressful"
  • "I know there's lots of schemes to help with childcare costs depending on circumstances but I know it varies and it is a tricky one, I remember it well"
  • "Would you like me to ask Wendy the childminder at school if they have any spaces or know anyone else that could do it?"

I've also had a parent telling me they've got a new job and openly say they're going to look at organising playdates for after school care, and how their child loves playing with my child..... Thankfully that convo was interrupted before I had chance to respond. Not sure what I would have said as I'm pretty sure I was just stood there open mouthed.

I've had a friend going back to work after maternity leave asking if I'd have her baby two days a week because she can't afford nursery. (No longer a friend oddly enough!)

I've had people asking could I help out while their cm is on holiday or their nursery is closed.

I really like the jokey responses suggested. I also like the blunt ones with a hard stare. I think I shall practice a few to have on hand and which one I use will depend on my mood. 🤣

I get why those sorts of things seem like hints but I don’t think they necessarily are and the pressure you feel might be more about your perception of the situation than theirs. Childcare is a nightmare for a lot of parents and exclaiming over it is very normal. Most of those parents will probably be saying the same thing to other parents in exactly the same situation as themselves who would not be in a position to offer to help them. Your responses to those sorts of comments are perfect as they are.

Shinyandnew1 · 14/01/2025 17:30

Would you like me to ask Wendy the childminder at school if they have any spaces or know anyone else that could do it?"

No, I wouldn't be responding like that-it's not your problem to solve.

I'd just do a 'oh no-nightmare!' kind of non-committal comment then change the subject with an, 'omg, I meant to ask if you've seen x, done y, if I told you what happened about z?!'. It's unlikely they'll change the subject back to childcare and if they do, they are a piss-taker, not a friend and I wouldn't be having coffee with them again.

If they ask you outright, laugh and say, 'you are the 5th person to ask me for childcare recently-sorry, no-looking after my own kids is enough for me!'. If they push it, again-that would be enough to mean I don't want to have coffee with them again.

If random people come up to you in a non-coffee situation, just raise your eyebrows and say-sorry, are you asking me for childcare again?!' I doubt they'll keep doing it.

Original poster
YeezysBeans · 14/01/2025 16:41

Wow thanks for all the replies! Glad to see I'm not being a meany on this one.

Those asking about what sort of hints and questions I'm getting, I'll give some examples.

One parent befriending me, meeting for a coffee and them hinting over and over about how stuck they were for childcare.

  • "oh I just don't know what I'm going to do for after-school on Fridays...."
  • "It's so hard to juggle it all, I don't know if I can afford after-school club....."
  • "X was having child after school but can't now and I'm so stuck!"
On and on. I'd just respond to each hint with things like:
  • "Yes that must be stressful"
  • "I know there's lots of schemes to help with childcare costs depending on circumstances but I know it varies and it is a tricky one, I remember it well"
  • "Would you like me to ask Wendy the childminder at school if they have any spaces or know anyone else that could do it?"

I've also had a parent telling me they've got a new job and openly say they're going to look at organising playdates for after school care, and how their child loves playing with my child..... Thankfully that convo was interrupted before I had chance to respond. Not sure what I would have said as I'm pretty sure I was just stood there open mouthed.

I've had a friend going back to work after maternity leave asking if I'd have her baby two days a week because she can't afford nursery. (No longer a friend oddly enough!)

I've had people asking could I help out while their cm is on holiday or their nursery is closed.

I really like the jokey responses suggested. I also like the blunt ones with a hard stare. I think I shall practice a few to have on hand and which one I use will depend on my mood. 🤣

OP posts:
MermaidMummy06 · 13/01/2025 21:32

I stopped these requests at the first hint. When an SAHM, I'd say that just because I'm at home doesn't mean I sit around doing nothing & can't help, sorry.

If reinforcement was needed I'd laugh & say how I'd love some regular childcare too, and look at them expectantly. The expectation of reciprocation works every time.

amiold · 13/01/2025 21:22

Just act absolutely stupid and make out you think they're offering to have your kids 😂 I'm sure they'll stop when they think you're going to ask them

Rainbowqueeen · 13/01/2025 21:13

What kind of hints are you getting? We can give you some good responses.

If it's things like "the summer holidays are so long, I just don't know what we are going to do" just say something like "well good luck getting it sorted".

If they are complaining about the cost you can say something like "yes we had to think through our budget really carefully before I became a SAHM and it is a financial hit for us but I guess that's just part of the cost of having kids"

If you are getting messages at pick up time then just turn your phone off at that time.

People will stop.

MissEloiseBridgerton · 13/01/2025 21:06

I think I'd probably laugh in their face and say ha I've got enough problems with my own thanks!

I don't think I could take a request like that seriously.

mrlistersgelfbride · 13/01/2025 21:03

I've learnt sometimes you just have to say a simple no.
You don't have to give a reason, just say no, and hold it.
Or text ..."No".
Repeat until they stop asking.

Asosbabe · 13/01/2025 20:35

Mm let me look into what childminders locally charge and then of course you would have to pay for dbs check and any other checks authorities require and insurance in case your sprog damages any of my stuff

Wallywobbles · 13/01/2025 20:20

I'd head these off before they happen and say point blank don't ask me to do childcare because the answer will always be no. We're not taking the financial hit in order to benefit other people.

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 13/01/2025 20:17

"Oh, you want me to watch little Daisy on Monday next week? Oh and the week after? NO PROBLEM. I know you work so would Saturday or Sunday be best for you to have miniYeezysBeans? DH is going to be SO EXCITED to have some child free days 🤗" If met with a erm no "but I thought we were doing favours? Well if its a childminder role you're after I charge £X an hour. I know Y place is cheaper but the ratio is so much smaller at my house. "

I imagine requests will stop very quickly.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 13/01/2025 20:16

Keep saying 'It must be a nightmare for you, I can barely manage even without a paid job, I am so busy with studying and other commitments. You know that if you have some crisis I'll help out if I possibly can, and there's a great childminding agency in the town, hang on and I'll find the phone number.'

arcticpandas · 13/01/2025 19:56

I have always helped people out being a sahm. Never bothered me, but I like kids and my children are happy with other kids around. But it would have to be exceptional because having a SEN kid he does need to be constantly supervised so I couldn't do it regularly or I wouldn't be able to cook/clean etc. Some cf still asked me to look after their children/babies regularly. I had to put on my sorry face and tell them that I wouldn't be able to guarantee their security with long hours etc.

lola006 · 13/01/2025 19:48

I never got full time childcare requests when my DC were at primary as a SAHM but I would for staff development days, half term and last min school issues (like a snow day). It was always so odd because the people expecting I’d jump at the chance to look after their DC for no pay were also the ones who had no problem putting down SAHM’s calling us lazy, nothing to do all day etc. The mind boggled.

I had no problem helping out my closest friend with a DC the same age as mine because I always knew I could call her in an emergency (which I have!).

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 13/01/2025 19:43

You don’t have to do it in an emergency either.

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