This isn't ok, is it?

Hi OP,

Firstly I’m really sorry you’re going through this. You do not deserve it.

I have a ‘recovered narc’ mother and a narc brother (I’ll get to the recovered part in a minute), and my dad enables it all. Growing up was hell and I went low contact / no contact many times. Lots of violence and gaslighting.

I grew up with a poor sense of boundaries and a deep sense that everything was my fault. I ended up in a relationship with another narcissist.

here’s where it gets interesting- my mum had trained to become a therapist and had had over a decade of therapy during this time. She’d never admit she had a problem, but I believe that deep down she knew that she did and she trained in therapy in order to get some help.

She realised what was going on in my relationship and she and my dad helped me to leave. We now have a good relationship as adults, albeit with plenty of boundaries. Occasionally she relapses and I have to enforce boundaries over and over again, and sometimes I struggle with forgiveness. I’ve had a lot of therapy myself too. We’re in a good place now, though.

sadly my brother is worse than she ever was and so I haven’t spoken to him in 3 years.

all this to say that I understand how difficult this is. I believe it’s possible for narcs to heal
after many years of therapy, but they have to want to do this.

here are some things which have helped me:

-continuing to remind myself that you can’t control the actions of others, only your own
-investing a lot in therapy
-being wary of ending up in relationships with other narcs because the way they behave is familiar to you
-the book ‘children of emotionally immature parents’
-writing down incidents and how they made me feel so I’m not storing it in my head and questioning myself later
-allowing myself to grieve my relationship with my brother

Finally, here’s the most amazing thing: you get to build your own family now. Whether that’s with friends or a partner and children, you get to choose to surround yourself who fill you with love and light every day. I’ve done this, and my home life is completely different now.

wishing you all the best xx

The way they behaved is very wrong. They do sound very narcissistic, who cares if mum is "more upset". Thats what they do to get it all about them. Protect yourself and your daughter and walk away. I totally understand the twisting things to make it your fault. It's not your fault , they are narcissistic. You can't get anywhere with people like that , they drain the life out of you , don't take responsibility and twist it to look like you. Then you are doubting and questioning yourself. Know that they are in the wrong , don't put up with anymore of this bullshit and put yourself and your daughter first, or your child will grow up damaged from their behaviour

Please cut them all off forever. They're lucky you didn't report them to the police last time. Tell them not to contact you otherwise you'll deem it as harassment.

OP - you are absolutely right to go NC with the lot of them, including DB, because all they seem to be doing is grinding you down and minimising your valid feelings. You are also standing by your DD in a way none of the rest of the family have backed you so you should feel proud of yourself for that.

I'm so sorry this happened to you - the previous posters are right though about cutting contact because your family are abusers and there's no other way to survive. It's hard because societal expectations about 'happy families' are strong but it sounds like you have your daughter and she is your family. Abusers don't stop however 'reasonable' you are and that's what you need to understand I think. There is nothing you can do to change their behaviour - that's their responsibility not yours. And the no contact gets easier over time but it needs to be real no contact - change your phone number to start with. And include your brother in the no contact because he's facilitating the abuse.
Sending some solidarity to you because you sound like you need it.

Not that I'd wish anyone to be in the same boat but my brother and I haven't spoken to my dad or step mum for over a year in my case or 2 years in his case. Same story, he thinks he is above the law and can treat us like shit with impunity, the minute anyone else steps out of (his very distorted) line they have committed a sin and must be punished. It is painful to go through the 'break up' but I have to say a year on it is easier and I wouldn't want to go back. Good luck.

It is so so so hard to see the wood for the trees when you’ve been immersed in this sort of family abuse from the beginning. When someone has exposed you to their horrendous behaviour it is so hard to identify what’s normal and what is ok.

None of this is ok, OP. I truly believe the only way forward for you is NC with all of them. You need to save yourself.

I don’t see how you benefit from having a relationship with this woman at all.

You don’t owe her a relationship.

Protect yourself.
Go NC or very LC.

Just to add, the phone calls and guilt are also not normal or healthy. Fear, obligation or guilt are not good enough reasons to allow yourself to be abused.

Well done 👏 for standing up for yourself. You are in the right and don't any of them make you feel any different. You've not lost anything by moving on but gained self respect. 💓

@123dontcomeatme I think the not understanding is part of the problem. We expect that level of normality and to be treated how most people would treat others so when they behave like this and find it acceptable, we question if we've misunderstood or at least I do/did.

Have a look at triangulation and scapegoats. I'm betting a lot of the theory will resonate with you.

The stately home thread on here is really supportive too and helps as it gives you somewhere to bounce you're thoughts around and clear your head a little.

I found going no contact really hard and because I'd tried in the past they expected me to apologise (for reacting to their behaviour) and move on/ go back to how things were then when it became clear I wasn't things really ramped up. The best advice I was given was to allow myself to grieve because you have to come to terms with never having that relationship which even as an adult child you want. Ultimately nobody wants to have to cut parents out of their life.

Have you got a couple of good friends or supportive partner who understands and you can lean on if things do get harder?

I wish you all the best and I'm sorry that this happened to you, it isnt right or normal behaviour to block somebody from leaving and it definitely isn't accepting to say that you'd be picked up and thrown off.

You are not wrong and not over reacting.

Perhaps Google Mel Robbins "Let Them" book and podcast. But only if you want to. No one needs to tell you what you should or shouldn't be doing. You've got this.

see them ... less than 20 times a year, however I would get around 6-10 phone calls a day that would start at 6:30am...

But sure you have known that this is excessive contact for a normal relationship, never mind an abusive one - which this clearly is.

Why did you put up with this? Did you never seek counseling or at least try to examine why your boundaries are so seriously skewed?

How are you planning to deal with this past abuse now? Because it requires more than merely going no contact with your abuser.

You've done absolutely nothing wrong. I've had a similar situation with my mum and her husband (he squared up to me), I did cut off contact for a while but then resumed because of guilt and ofcourse it was my fault. Fast forward a few years and I reached breaking point and cut all contact. I'm sad and grieve for the family I wanted but the reality is that will never happen.

You are right. They are wrong. It is difficult when siblings haven't reached that level of awareness and try to act as go-between. But try and chat with your brother about what happened and point out to him that expecting basic respect is not a fault you need to correct. Be proud you have shown your daughter that you stand up for her. In families like this, that is a heroic act.

When I finally decided to step away from my monstrous father and an entire family of his generation that fawned over him, my life long severe depression vanished. My sister soon followed me and we became closer as a result.

The path forward for me was to sit with my own grief for a while, knowing I’d had enough and couldn’t go back to being abused after 45 years of it. Then, much sooner than I thought (a matter of weeks) I began to feel relieved at being free, and now nothing will drag me back there.

I’d strongly recommend counselling, alone, never with family like this. And setting boundaries with your brother. He may not accept them, in which case he’s a big part of the problem and is hurting you too.
If not for you, end this for your daughter’s sake. I hope you can, life gets so much better on the other side.

Of course you need to cut contact.

But how are you planning to help your daughter heal from this abusive situation? How old is she?

They sound like narseholes.
You're right, everything will always be your fault and they'll bait you to react and weaponise your reaction if you continue with this dynamic.

I'd be telling them to fuck off a second time... through my actions not my words.