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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wish that people wouldn’t comment on size?

136 replies

Whoopydodah · 13/01/2025 06:43

I work in a hybrid role that is more remote than in the office, and I’m anti social in general so tend to speak to friends via message but only meet sporadically in person.

So I’m prepared to accept this is a me problem as it’s so prevalent.

But over the past few days I’ve had the pleasure of being in the office and socialising in person. It has varied whether it’s been a couple of weeks, a month, couple of months and in one case 6 months since I’ve seen these people.

You’ve lost weight, you look so slim, you look so good.

Except I have the awkward exchange of um no the scales say the same, I’m in the same size clothes, thanks.

But what I’m thinking is you’ve got me bigger in your memory than I am and so I appear slimmer in person, and your comment does not make me feel good about myself.

For reference I’m average, I’m 5’6, 70kg, 24.9 bmi mid 40s - so technically not overweight but carry a few pounds that I could do with losing, but not fussed enough to actually do anything about it.

AIBU to think commenting on someone’s weight is rude? Why has it become a thing that casual acquaintances, colleagues, as well as friends and family all feel it is an acceptable conversation?

OP posts:
Dotto · 13/01/2025 11:27

RosesAndHellebores · 13/01/2025 11:26

Just take a complimentary with good grace. I'd be delighted and even if I wasn't, I'm far too busy to give it headspace.

How is it a compliment?

RosesAndHellebores · 13/01/2025 11:26

Just take a complimentary with good grace. I'd be delighted and even if I wasn't, I'm far too busy to give it headspace.

MinnieBalloon · 13/01/2025 11:25

lostinthememory · 13/01/2025 07:54

But why?

Fat people know we're fat. We don't need to be told by everyone at work that we're fat.

Show quote history

If you constantly have to face it you won’t be able to bury your head in the sand about it anymore and then you might finally address it.

isthesolution · 13/01/2025 11:22

I HATE it. It seems that 'you look thinner' is a compliment and 'you look fatter' is not.

In a world where some people are desperately trying to keep their weight up and others desperately trying to keep it down I think it's better not to comment!

TorroFerney · 13/01/2025 10:52

DaDaDoDaiDa · 13/01/2025 07:51

It's not wise to comment on weight/size unless the person has told you they have been trying to lose weight. We tend to assume slimmer=healthier but a sustained loss of weight can be associated with serious illness and this might not be something the person wants to talk about.

In the OP's case - video calls are terrible for making people look bigger than they are - partly because you have little idea of someone's height so you don't see them in perspective - so it's probably to do with this, but should not have been said.

The video call thing is interesting. I have a thin quite haggard face, a colleague I only see on teams told me I reminded him of someone on tv , she had a full face. Now parking why you’d say that to someone you don’t really know I couldn’t understand how he thought that.

Crazycatlady79 · 13/01/2025 10:50

On the school run, a Mum did a double take when she saw me and said "Sorry, Crazycat, I didn't recognise you!". I replied something like "It's cool. I've gained 20kg and dyed my hair pink."
Both were true, but apparently this was not the anticipated answer, as she looked flustered, side-stepped towards another parent and hasn't spoken to me since!

Idontjetwashthefucker · 13/01/2025 10:45

Really annoys me. I've lost quite a bit of weight but I'm still 11 stone and at 5'1 I'm still in the very overweight/obese category and look it. Whenever I go to the hairdressers my very gobby stylist loudly tells me how skinny I am now.

Can't begin to imagine what the other clients think when he says this. Dick

rrrrrreatt · 13/01/2025 10:41

YANBU. My view is don’t comment on people’s bodies unless asked! I know people mean well but commenting on people’s bodies is like asking about children etc - you don’t do it because you don’t know other people’s struggles.

I had a binge eating disorder when I was younger and I really don’t want to discuss my weight with anyone unless I initiate the conversation. A comment from someone, even meant as a compliment, can have a very negative impact on me.

DonnaGiovanna · 13/01/2025 10:36

I'm with you, OP, the only people commenting on weight should be hcp. Parent of a recovering anorexic here. Sorry to everyone who thinks external validation of their weight loss efforts is more important, but you get many many positive effects to outweigh this, I should think.

supersop60 · 13/01/2025 10:26

LostittoBostik · 13/01/2025 08:52

Maybe your face has changed? In much thinner in the face now I'm in my 40s, even though I've actually gone up a dress size at the waist

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I see this friend several times a week, so if my face has got thinner, it would be a gradual thing, surely?
Regardless...

Heybugee · 13/01/2025 10:23

People can't win either way. I have a couple of friends who have done amazingly on their weight loss journey and when I commented on how great they both look, they told me I was the first person to notice that they had both lost at least 4 stone each, and that upset them. There's no chance nobody else had noticed the weight loss, but people are too afraid to say anything.

If someone pays you a compliment and says you look good, you can just say "thank you". There is absolutely no need to tell them they are wrong. And no need for you to overthink what it means.

ruethewhirl · 13/01/2025 10:19

MinnieBalloon · 13/01/2025 07:52

It is an acceptable topic to discuss, as it rightly should be.

If you have issues with your weight that’s your own problem to deal with and people shouldn’t tiptoe around you.

What is or isn't 'acceptable' to discuss is a subjective matter. And a lot of us would rather people didn't comment on other people's bodies. Nothing to do with tiptoeing.

Ficklebricks · 13/01/2025 10:18

A general message to anyone who voted that these sorts of comments are fine:

Please stop doing this everyone. Not all weight loss is intentional or wanted. Just because YOU would want to lose weight it doesn't mean everyone feels the same way. For many people it can be a sign of the worst times in their life, and nobody needs congratulating for the side effects of bereavement, cancer, chronic stress or mental illness (the list goes on).

"Oh you've stopped eating because you feel like killing yourself and don't see the point in living anymore? Great work, you look so much better than you did before. Your old body was visually displeasing to me so now you can have some good girl points for conforming to my personal standards of beauty."

Fuck all the way off with that nonsense.

Dotto · 13/01/2025 10:10

YANBU. It's objectification and othering.

You only need to read the replies here to see that people haven't read the OP properly because they're obsessed with the topic of weightloss.

ExquisiteSocialSkills · 13/01/2025 10:09

FatAgain · 13/01/2025 07:14

Surely the best thing to say is…. “You look great!” Then it’s open to interpretation and everybody feels
pleased 🤣

Absolutely this.

mangoes1 · 13/01/2025 10:08

It seems to be some peope go to greeting. "Hi, Have you lostweight?" whilst looking you up and down. I have had the same from my PIL for nigh on 20 years. I finally cracked it and told DH if they say that one more time then drinks may be thrown. They've stopped now.

Garlicnorth · 13/01/2025 10:05

LostittoBostik · 13/01/2025 08:51

I'm so proud of you being upfront about this. No fucks given indeed.

But people comment on weight because it's the most important thing ABOUT THEM, TO THEMSELVES. Their comments only reflect their own internal battles. Honestly 99 per cent of people are only thinking about themselves 99 per cent of the time. I used to find that depressing, now I find it really liberating.

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I'm sure this is it!

All the women I reunited with over Christmas said I'd lost weight. I haven't - I'm always the same size. I worked hard at losing an eating disorder, I'm not about to jeopardise that by caring whether I look fatter or thinner.

The thing is, I KNOW they care about looking thinner and that's why they comment! I know it and should have said "No, but you're looking slim!"

I didn't. For all my not-caring, I replied as OP did ... because the truth is I'm as interested in my own weight stability as they are in slimming. Damn.

Rollse · 13/01/2025 10:05

MinnieBalloon · 13/01/2025 07:52

It is an acceptable topic to discuss, as it rightly should be.

If you have issues with your weight that’s your own problem to deal with and people shouldn’t tiptoe around you.

Why should it be? It’s a personal topic, and many people do have issues with their weight. Why not simply not mention someone’s weight instead of saying it’s their problem if it upsets them?

ruethewhirl · 13/01/2025 09:59

Totally agree OP. I do realise people are usually trying to be nice when they comment on someone's weight loss, but it's a minefield as there's always a chance the weight loss is due to illness, grief or something else a person might not want to talk about.

But not only that - there's something patronising about expecting women to jump for joy because someone's noticed they're taking up less space on the planet than they used to. And I typed 'women' because people hardly ever do this to men IME. It's part of the whole assumption that all women are obsessed with slimming.

Don't get me wrong, I'm losing weight myself at the moment, and if someone compliments me I will thank them and not make them feel awkward for doing so, because I'm not a rude person, and also because I recognise they're trying to make me feel good. But I do think commenting on a person's weight is dicey for all sorts of reasons.

Flatulence · 13/01/2025 09:57

No need to comment on weight etc. But mostly the 'you're looking well' type comments are just polite small talk

Workhardcryharder · 13/01/2025 09:56

TypingoftheDead · 13/01/2025 09:43

Why does anyone need to comment on someone’s weight, though? Aside from being personal it’s really not even necessary.

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No I get that, but neither are 85% of the conversations we have with each other I guess. Pointless conversations are the start of connecting with one another

TinkyBella · 13/01/2025 09:45

Just say thank you’ . It seems to me that the comments are coming from a friendly place as they are just people trying to strike up a conversation by giving you, what they consider, to be a compliment. I’d let it go.

TypingoftheDead · 13/01/2025 09:43

Workhardcryharder · 13/01/2025 07:35

Is it offensive? Not really. Are they meaning to be offensive? Nope. Think there’s a bit of a habit nowadays critically analysing everything everyone says when they contain certain “trigger words”

Why does anyone need to comment on someone’s weight, though? Aside from being personal it’s really not even necessary.

AshCrapp · 13/01/2025 09:36

I hate it because I have a mirror and can see for myself how much I weigh, I don't need a stranger chipping in. I don't like the underlying assumption that it's always better to be thinner. I have relatives who comment that I've lost weight every time I lose a bit. Just means that when I see them and they say nothing I know they're judging my weight gain. I don't understand why it's acceptable to comment on a woman's weight ever, the only time I compliment a friend on their weight loss is if they've told me they're actively trying to lose weight. Then I complement the same as any other achievement that someone has worked for.

CheeryOtter · 13/01/2025 09:35

I recently went in to visit colleagues shortly after having a baby and was immediately met with comments on my weight loss from HR of all people in earshot of the whole office. I felt so uncomfortable like everyone was looking me up and down. People should just learn to say nothing unless it's brought up by the person themselves.