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Original poster

AIBU to ask co-parent for help when struggling?

109 replies

ButWhyNot88 · 12/01/2025 23:59

I’m very new to this whole co-parenting situation and really need honest opinions on what is acceptable and where the boundaries are / should be set. Apologies it’s a long one!!!

My husband decided to leave the family home 3 1/2 months ago, leaving me with DD (4) just started school, and twin DD (14 weeks at the time, now 7 months). He has moved in with his parents, who happen to live at the other end of the road. I have the children 4/5 weekday evenings and every other weekend - I’ll admit it breaks me to be apart from my children when they are so young - I’ve been very open about this.

Our eldest daughter has never been a good sleeper, it’s always taken around an hour of us sitting / laying with her for her to fall asleep, we cracked this around 4 months before ‘DH’ up and left, since then she’s completely regressed and cries every time she’s in bed alone - she comes down to my bed every night.

My struggle is that in order to get her to sleep I have to lay with her, without doing that she just cries to the point of hysterics and almost vomiting, but to be able to lay with her the twins have to be settled as they are still having a last bottle around 9.30pm so aren’t yet in bed. It’s a lot for one person to be able to manage.

This evening has been a particularly hard one. I took DD up for a shower and in to bed around 7.45, we’d just started a story when T1 (Twin 1) woke and started to cry, I went down to her after around 5 minutes, within minutes DD was sobbing and crying, so I took T1 up. T2 then started to scream cry so I ended up with all 3 children on DD room. At this point ‘DH’ had text to see how bedtime was going - we do check in as we know it’s hard work. I sent a picture of all 3 children in the bed and said this was where we were at and that it wasn’t ideal. By 9.15pm I hadn’t managed to get anyone to sleep so I text ‘DH’ and asked if someone at his house (‘DH or in-laws) could come down and give me a hand, just to sit in the living room with T1 and T2 whilst I got DD to sleep - it would have taken less than 10 minutes. I got told that he couldn’t as he’d just got out of the shower and his parents were asleep downstairs.

I decided that my only option now seemed to be to put all of the children in the car so that I could settle the twins and then get DD, who has school tomorrow, to sleep - it’s now 9.30pm… I needed to feed the twins first, whilst I was making 2 bottles of milk for the babies I called ‘DH’ to explain the state of play and that I really could do with help for the benefit of the children and getting DD to sleep for school in the morning and got told he can’t help as he has work to do for the morning. At this point, I’ll admit I did get a bit aggravated because we had always made a point that we would put the children first. (In my opinion if the work was that important he’d have done it earlier in the weekend and not 9.30pm the night before…) We both shouted a bit and I ended up putting the phone down.

At this point all children are in the living room. I managed to get both babies to sleep by feeding them, meaning we didn’t have to go I it for a drive in the car and then I took DD up to bed, lay with her and she was asleep within 5 minutes, by this time it was 10.35pm.

’DH’ had messaged whilst I was feeding the twins to see if she was asleep yet so I let him know once she finally was. I then called to apologise for shouting and to ask whether or not he thought I should be asking him or whether on days when he doesn’t have them I shouldn’t… We both knew and accepted that all it need was 1 additional adult to sit for 10 minutes with the twins to get DD to sleep - but he didn’t see this as his issue as they aren’t with him, but he does have an opinion on the fact that she should have been asleep earlier…

We frequently conflict over the fact that I struggle with the fact that he never has to do any parenting on his own as his mum (who is / was a great MIL) is very hands on (a truly great grandparent) and his dad is there too and is also on hand to help whenever needed. He might not always ask them for help but his mum does it instinctively and they’re there so no baby ever needs to cry as there are 3 adults to 3 children. ‘DH’ puts DD to bed there and the twins stay with their grandparents meaning ‘DH’ can give DD his full attention- he never has to run between rooms or up and down stairs… I’ll admit, it frustrates me that it’s all so easy.

I find it hard that there are 3 people, less than 200m away, that could help and lessen the struggles and the amount of tears from the children, but aren’t willing to. I know (because I have) I would drop anything to help with the children if it was needed - I’ve cancelled several lots of plans if he’s needed help or me to have the kids, I never mention it, I just do it because the children come first for me.

I guess I want to know is, AIBU to ask him for help when the children are being impacted and he’s so close by?

OP posts:
Heronwatcher · 13/01/2025 09:45

YANBU. Since he lives so close I’d be telling him that he has to either settle DD or take the twins every night, and you’ll do the other child. If he can’t do it himself then he needs to either agree with you in advance, pay to get someone else in or ask his/ your parents.

Eeveesfriend · 13/01/2025 09:37

Can you not ask your mother in law anyway independently of your ex- husband? I don't see what you have to lose at this point? She is still the children's grandparent regardless of if you and your husband are together. It might be better in the future if you forge your own relationship with them so that your husband doesn't need to be involved in future events for the kids when you want to invite them or they want to look after the kids etc

MumonabikeE5 · 13/01/2025 09:31

ButWhyNot88 · 13/01/2025 00:20

It feels pretty brutal at times. He does step up at times, but when it suits… If I phoned his mum, she would come, but I know he’d get the arse and that won’t help anything - I get told I’m pass-agg often enough as it is.
My mum stays a couple of nights a week, but she’s 76, with some health issues and I don’t have a spare room now we have the twins so she has to sleep on the sofa. I would give her my bed but DD comes in during the night for cuddles as in her words ‘I want to check you haven’t left too’

Show quote history

Co sleep with your daughter.
she absolutely will be worried that you will leave her too.
it’s in a dark part of her heart.
unless your husband was brutally aggressive to you and her his leaving will have really hurt her.

it’s not your fault.
your DXH has done this.

but accepting that she’s hurt, and has this fear is now yours to support.

co sleep. She’ll know you are there. That you will come back. That when she wakes that you are there.

and she will go to sleep much quicker.

and it won’t be forever.
and lots of 5/6 year olds co sleep.

plus it will
leave a proper bwdrooom for your mum.
who might not be physically able to do to much helping but she will be able to soothe and cuddle
and she will be there to soothe you too xxx

Twaddlepip · 13/01/2025 09:25

He’s a failure. My god. I can’t believe he upped and fucked off when your babies were 14 weeks. Such scum.

Things will get easier with the passage of time, both physically and emotionally. He’s a shit father and ultimately, not needed. His children will realise that.

I know that doesn’t help now, especially as you can’t heal when he’s so close and so determined to let you down.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/01/2025 09:18

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 13/01/2025 09:13

This sounds unsustainable. I would prioritise getting your DD1 into a better routine. Have you spoken to school nurse? It shouldn't be that difficult. Then work out how you can simplify routine for all kids. I actually think you and your ex should work together over bedtime then go back to own houses when asleep. It won't be forever.

Just a take on this-

When my dd was reception age, all she asked was a peaceful bedtime that wasn’t accompanied by a baby. A story and a calm goodnight.

As there was another adult in the house who could just keep the baby going until then had space and quiet to do a bedtime feed (I was bfing) and get the baby down, it didn’t seem too much to ask!

Reception children really need to be in bed at a decent hour, more so than nursery / pre school kids who can always nap if needs be. But a baby often won’t be ready to go down for the night so early as they sleep a lot and you want a decent chunk of nighttime sleep for them. So often it’s much better that way round if another adult is available! All I ever asked for my exh to do was hold/ play with the baby in that time and not deliberately pat him to sleep on his chest before I had the chance to do a bedtime feed, but apparently that was too much. And to be clear, the baby wasn’t absolutely dropping with tiredness, exh would deliberately get him to sleep so that his tiny shift was a bit easier, meaning that I then had several hours more to go before DS would sleep again.

brummumma · 13/01/2025 09:17

I'm sorry OP - my ex husband left when my eldest was the about the same age and twins weren't much older than yours so I know how hard it is.

TBH I've taken the route of least resistance - if that meant me and the 3 kids co sleeping then so be it. I'll be damned if I ever ask their dad for any help whether he lives next door or down the road. If it meant we all went to bed at 7pm then fine. Like you say you are already without them 4 nights over a fortnight so just enjoy the early evenings and cuddles and less stress now. I was (and am) very much of the mind set that he chose to leave so fuck him. I'll prove that I don't need him at all (and I can tell you it absolutely infuriates him that I don't come running for his help!)

Don't call him, don't message. Fake it till you make it that you have this under control and don't need him at all. Cry into your coffee/chocolate when they've all fell asleep even if it's midnight

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/01/2025 09:13

TheOnionEyes · 13/01/2025 09:11

Very good take on the MIL. His parents are facilitating his behaviour. If she can't tell her son to step out the house to go and help the OP, then it's only fair she steps in.

Perhaps they are expecting her to beg for their help.

Show quote history

Yes I found that difficult to accept about my ex MIL.

She was / is a lovely person in many ways, but the way she was able to accept her son (my exh) behaving is really not something I’d accept from my son! I hope anyway.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 13/01/2025 09:13

This sounds unsustainable. I would prioritise getting your DD1 into a better routine. Have you spoken to school nurse? It shouldn't be that difficult. Then work out how you can simplify routine for all kids. I actually think you and your ex should work together over bedtime then go back to own houses when asleep. It won't be forever.

MumonabikeE5 · 13/01/2025 09:13

I said he should come and help.
but fuck it I wouldn’t want that dick anywhere near me and my family.

I am so pissed off on your behalf .

this is a hard phase.
you are going to get through it .

bring you mum in if she’ll come .

take his money. Make sure you get it done formally.
but recognise he is a compassionless waste of space that won’t deserve the pleasure of your children when they are older and easier.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/01/2025 09:12

ButWhyNot88 · 13/01/2025 00:24

This is what I’ve been trying to suggest - bedtime is the only time I don’t find manageable. I’ve asked for assistance once a week with bedtime… he’s thinking about it. The hardest thing is you’d probably assume he’s some sort of deadbeat, but he’s really not and he used to be the most incredible father - DD was literally everything…

Show quote history

I think it’s more than reasonable!

Just to add, my problems with exh and the bedtime were when we were still married.

I think sometimes if a man is fundamentally lazy/ doesn’t want to do something, they will manage not to.

Spirallingdownwards · 13/01/2025 09:12

I wouldn't worry if he took it as you being pass-agg. I would definitely speak to your MIL and tell her how you are struggling with this and ask whether she can pop down for that half an hour of an evening to help out. Hopefully she will or at least she may shame him in to stepping up for his children.

I can't even imagine how you have managed with him leaving when they were 14 weeks! You sound like you are doing a great job a d just this one little issue is what is sending the house of cards down. I hate the term but "reach out" to MIL and hopefully something will get sorted pronto!

TheOnionEyes · 13/01/2025 09:11

thepariscrimefiles · 13/01/2025 05:41

You are absolutely not being unreasonable in any way. You say that your MIL was/is lovely but if either of my sons left their partners with a 4 year old and 14 week old twins, unless he had had some sort of breakdown, I would not facilitate this behaviour by allowing him to move back home. He is the cause of your daughter's separation anxiety yet he can't be bothered to come and help you when you are at the end of your tether. If your MIL really was lovely, she would offer to come and help you with bedtimes.

Tell him to stop texting you if he can't be bothered to help. I can't believe what he has done to you and his children, facilitated by his parents.

Very good take on the MIL. His parents are facilitating his behaviour. If she can't tell her son to step out the house to go and help the OP, then it's only fair she steps in.

Perhaps they are expecting her to beg for their help.

Catza · 13/01/2025 09:08

I think, when you refer to basic parenting acts as "helping" it creates an unreasonable expectation that you and only you are an "expert parent" and everyone else's parenting is just optional. You are co-parenting which means sharing the load. Nobody is "helping".
I am sure it is difficult to be apart from the children but it may be way better for your mental health if he does, indeed, parent for one extra day per week. Worth considering.

MumonabikeE5 · 13/01/2025 09:07

What an absolute dick.
whether or not his feelings for you had changed, what a dick for leaving you with 3 under five.

but here you are.

i wrote a whole reply with ideas for how to approach the problem, but you don’t need those. You need a co-parent.

he lives minutes away.
he should come and help. Every night whilst his children are small.
he lives minutes away

and unless you tell us he is a danger I can’t understand how he can be such a dick.

what do you PILs think about their waste of space son?

Nellyelephanty · 13/01/2025 09:04

thepariscrimefiles · 13/01/2025 05:41

You are absolutely not being unreasonable in any way. You say that your MIL was/is lovely but if either of my sons left their partners with a 4 year old and 14 week old twins, unless he had had some sort of breakdown, I would not facilitate this behaviour by allowing him to move back home. He is the cause of your daughter's separation anxiety yet he can't be bothered to come and help you when you are at the end of your tether. If your MIL really was lovely, she would offer to come and help you with bedtimes.

Tell him to stop texting you if he can't be bothered to help. I can't believe what he has done to you and his children, facilitated by his parents.

Yeah I am also struggling to compute how MIL is lovely if she’s housed her dickhead son and isn’t round helping all the flipping time

mnreader · 13/01/2025 08:58

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Sunglow1921 · 13/01/2025 08:44

Theunamedcat · 13/01/2025 07:21

Personally I would find a way to make it work without his input you never know when he is going to turn nasty and suddenly all those messages about you being unable to cope becomes evidence

Have you applied for child maintenance yet?

Exactly this.

He might suddenly decide he wants the children 50% of the time when he realises he needs to pay maintenance (especially if he doesn’t actually have to look after them with his parents there). Then suddenly all these texts become evidence of your ‘inability to cope’ 🙄

Cosleep with the 4yo, ask your mum to help more often with the twins, whatever works, just don’t send him texts about how difficult it is or ask him or his mum for help.

Btw I voted yanbu because you really shouldn’t have to ask, he should just come and help at bedtime. But he’s a twat, so be on your guard.

MincePiesAndStilton · 13/01/2025 08:32

No advice OP but didn’t want to read and run. He is an arse and you are doing amazing. I’m sorry it’s like this for you 💐

Mauro711 · 13/01/2025 08:29

unmemorableusername · 13/01/2025 08:21

What a complete f-ing bas-rd.

Only the most truly contemptible man would leave 3 under 4, new born twins, a DC just staring school.

His selfishness is off the scale.

He doesn't deserve to be a father.

And crawling back to mummy. What a snake.

You arent a co parent you are a single parent. Ask your health visitor fur more help. Try TAMBA. Try home start.

Be very careful about relying on him (his mum) as he could try for more than 50/50 then you'd be trapped paying him for his mum to look. After your DCs!

He's an absolute scoundrel & I wouldn't be sorry if he met with an unfortunate accident.

I would say that there is absolutely no way that the current primary caregiver (OP) would get less than 50% of the time with her children even if he took her to court. Please don't let the fear of that stop you from asking for help from him when you need it.

Motomum23 · 13/01/2025 08:27

Time to skip your ex and go straight to his mum... could you please pop over at 7.30 for half an hour to help me settle dd or watch the babies. I'm struggling alone and your son refuses to help me. She can either help or kick him up the arse. You need an extra adult there for a short period of time and they live incredibly close.
If your ex accuses you of being passive aggressive just point out you asked him for help first but he refused so you went to the next appropriate person.

unmemorableusername · 13/01/2025 08:26

"I would give her my bed but DD comes in during the night for cuddles as in her words ‘I want to check you haven’t left too’"

This is heartbreaking.

He is scum & should be stripped of his PRR.

unmemorableusername · 13/01/2025 08:21

What a complete f-ing bas-rd.

Only the most truly contemptible man would leave 3 under 4, new born twins, a DC just staring school.

His selfishness is off the scale.

He doesn't deserve to be a father.

And crawling back to mummy. What a snake.

You arent a co parent you are a single parent. Ask your health visitor fur more help. Try TAMBA. Try home start.

Be very careful about relying on him (his mum) as he could try for more than 50/50 then you'd be trapped paying him for his mum to look. After your DCs!

He's an absolute scoundrel & I wouldn't be sorry if he met with an unfortunate accident.

Nellyelephanty · 13/01/2025 08:09

I am completely gobsmacked that he left you with a 3-4 yo and 7 week old twins. Who does that?!

my husband can be a real shit. A real shit. But even if we had a huge row and he threatened to walk out he might for an hour or 12 hours max but he would come back and realise you don’t leave the mother of your small children. You stay and show up for your family.

im sickened by him. You are doing amazingly OP

ladygindiva · 13/01/2025 08:09

Nogoodusername · 13/01/2025 07:54

No advice other than speak to ex MIL directly, but I just wanted to say that you are an absolute legend of a mum: I cannot even begin to imagine being a single mum of a 4 year old and twin babies. That is a logistical feat that is beyond me. I think you are epic

Second this. I am a mother of twins, and barely coped with the baby stage. I had no other young child and was not alone at that point either. The op is incredible xx

Tia86 · 13/01/2025 08:02

I think you have two main options:

  1. Go directly to the in laws. Say you are struggling at bedtime and that you have asked for help but their DS is refusing. See if someone can come down and help or if they can take the eldest more nights (it doesn't sound like dad is having the children very much 🤔)
  1. Realise he is useless, never going to step up, so as a single mum you need to come up with your own strategies. Ignore his texts as actually these are distracting and make you think he is being supportive as he is 'checking in' and asking if all is ok, but when you tell him things aren't ok then he ignores that and makes excuses. Co sleeping and putting the eldest in your bed is something that has been suggested and perhaps having everyone in one room close together. Can you work as a team with the eldest and explain she has an important role and help with the babies (obviously don't push this too much, but maybe she might like to feel important). Talk to any friends about your struggles and don't turn down any help, however small.
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