AIBU to ask co-parent for help when struggling?

Hope you have had a better week OP and that you are getting more support .

Well done on finding a routine that worked better. Hopefully that will improve things in future.

Hopefully MiL will give your a rocket when your not there. She's going to take his side in front of you but don't think she won't say anything in private with him. 💐

She’s been very clear that she doesn’t want to get involved and has never been one to express an opinion even when she probably should!

I am incredibly disappointed and angry at your MIL. She knows how hard it is to be a a mother at times. I couldn’t let my son do what her son has done. I would be furious with him. How weak of her to say she doesn’t want to be involved.

Also good point about not rocking the boat with awful ex due to financial support. It’s not right but it’s what I would do. I wouldn’t want him around but I’ll take the money ta.

well done on your new routine. Sleep will only get better down here with the children

You are doing so well.
It is incredibly hard and totally exhausting.
Twins are hard work and having another child makes it more difficult. It really is a lot for one person.
My eldest was 22 months when my twins were born and DH worked abroad every second week Sunday to Saturday.
But he was there every second week and was supportive even when not there. No grandparents living anywhere close and all of them still worked full time.
I got a local teenager to help. Just to sit with DD1 when I settled the twins and vice versa.
Or to put the twins in the buggy for a walk while I made dinner.

Sounds like last night went well.

Your ex is a selfish prick.

Girl, don't expect your mother in law to 'say something' or side with you. He is her son, she is on his side, she will believe whatever he's told her. He will be residing with his mummy until he finds (most likely have already found) another woman to care for his children, since he is unwilling and unable to. You sound like a great mum, sorry you going through it. I've been where you are, what helped me is radical acceptance: he is not your friend, his family is not on your side, you ate in trenches, but there's an expiry date to your misery, it's going to get easier. Good luck

I can't imagine how hard this must be OP! I'm glad you had a win woth the new routine amd it's sounds like you got this. There's nothing wrong with asking for help but agree that your ex is no longer your friend. Please make sure to be kind to yourself and if you can then pay for some childcare. Also I think splitting the kids up sometimes would be good as will give you some 121 time with your older DD

That sounds so tough for you. Why did your husband leave? Unless you were abusive/unfaithful I can't see how he could justify up and leaving you with you children of that age!

I don't think you are unreasonable to ask, obviously it won't be forever and it's such a tough stage and bed time is a real challenge when you are that outnumbered and they don't settle easily. I bet he isn't even looking to move into his own place and do it himself on his nights when he has a 1:1 ration where he is!

You are a tough woman OP. Hats off to you.

My cousin had twins and she said she barely remembers the first year. It’s hard hard work.

You could ask for money instead if he won’t step up.

FWIW I’d want to kill the cunt

How are the finances worked out between you at the moment? Is your reluctance to ask for his help or to make him.cross because you worry he will stop being generous financially?

He certainly isn't a DH and is a selfish prick . It seems like you are having a really tough time , especially as your DTs are so young and your daughter is obviously still trying to adjust to the change i'e her father moving out .
My heart breaks for you because your H and his family are so close by and they aren't helping out as much as they can .
I think the most important things are the children's sleeping and also your own sanity .
If you are on a group whatapp chat I think I would be really brutally honest with your H and his parents and spell out that you are struggling and it is impacting on the children . I would state when your own mother is there but that at all other times when your own have all 3 children on your own that you need support with the bedtimes .
Spell out the logistics of it and suggest that they work out a rota between the three of them for another adult to come and give you a hand for say half an hour to deal with the bedtimes . Agree this for the week in advance . I would not focus on coming across as passive aggressive or how you may be perceived by H or his parents .
By walking out on you with such young children , your H has caused this situation . I would stress that you see this as a temporary urgent situation and that when your daughter gets into more of a routine that you will do what you can on your own . I think you may also need to factor in that the DTs also may regress / teething etc that there may be an element of unpredictability - so don't say - that's fine all sorted now . There may be other times when sleeping etc are an issue e.g if a child / children are ill .
I think you need to state this as you are all wanting to do what is best for the children . I think it is madness that they are so close and you are all suffering when they could help .
I do think there is a lot to be said for trying to become as independent as possible yourself . Your H by walking out on his family at such a critical time has shown you that you cannot rely on him. But this is crisis time and your own mental health will suffer with the stress of this .

I would also look at what you can do to make your mother's sleeping arrangements more comfortable rather than having to sleep on a sofa . A sofa bed is an option - but they are usually very uncomfortable unless high end . Could you put a single bed somewhere for her if you have the space or a day bed - I think ikea did one . You can search on threads here for recommendations .
Good luck 🤞

It’s so so hard, but the best thing for you is to stop thinking of your ex as a “co-parent” and to stop asking him for help.

He is a crap father and no friend of yours in any way, and never will be. Accept this now.

I split up with the father of my DC when we had 3 yr old DTs, plus 5 and 9 year old DCs. He had them two nights a week, which included picking them up at 5pm after childcare (that I paid for) and flat out refused to have them when it wasn’t “his time”.

He got himself a girlfriend very quickly and if I ever phoned him for “help” (even an emergency necessitating taking a DC to hospital for example) then he would tell me that his girlfriend didn’t like me phoning him, and that she said I shouldn’t be asking him for help when it wasn’t his time.

He was pathetic and it was hard, and I went through extremely hard times juggling the DC, life in general, and work (and obviously he didn’t take any sick days, have them in the school holidays, none of that stuff ever.) He wouldn’t even do a school run with the well DC when I asked once, when I and the others had flu (he lived a five minute walk away). He didn’t care about the well-being of his DC, and that was that.

I remember a friend saying to me “You need to start asking other people when you need help, and not to expect anything from him ever, even thought it’s not fair”. She was right.

It was so hard as he was the person who should have been able to step in, when it was in best interests of the DC and we were dealing with illness, emergencies etc. But he wasn’t, and when I started accepting that, my life became easier on an emotional level (although not much easier on a practical one!)

Do you have any friends at all who you can ask at times? Even neighbours, someone from a volunteer organisation like Homestart? It is so hard to do I know; but every time you reach out to someone else for support you will take some power away from your selfish ex.

My DC are all teens now. Life is much easier, and as it happens, I later met and remarried someone who is wonderful and who now steps up more as a step-parent than my ex ever did. He was appalled when we met and he realised how much I juggling I did alone, and he just couldn’t understand that their dad actually lived so nearby but protected his “child free” time so fiercely.

My ex always stuck to his only having them on “his days”, and kept the focus of his life on time to himself, spending time with his new partner, holidays and hobbies. Today he actually has more “time to himself” than he probably ever expected, as the DCs don’t want to stay with him anymore on “his weekend”. I’ve stopped forcing them to go. He seems confused and hurt by that.

He really doesn’t even know the DC that well though, not who they are deep down, and that is based entirely on choices he made.

I am very close to all the DCs and they still seem to love spending time with me, and we have somehow stayed close and get on well even now that they are in the hormonal teenage phase.

Friends used to say to me “they will realise when they get older”, and it wasn’t much help when I was drowning in the thick of it ( he was also crap and unhelpful before we split), but long-term I am part of a loving family with the DC and they know that I have been there for them every step of the way, and it’s worth a lot.

I do wish they had a more involved father, and that we could have “co-parented” in a better way, but that just isn’t always the reality and you can only be a mother to them, you can’t do his bit for him if he doesn’t want to.

I’m sorry but you can’t have it both ways. You want help but you don’t want him to have the kids? You still want him to behave like you’re a family unit which isn’t normal or healthy for anyone.

He needs to have the kids more often, they get the added bonus of spending time with their GP too. This gives you a break and forces him to step up.

My god you have your hands full. If my DTs dad had left at that age - or any age before 4 - I'd have fallen apart and I only had the twins. I have so much admiration for you. But no advice I'm afraid. Unless there's say a young woman locally who you could pay to do bedtimes with you? I had a lovely young girl - about 17 - who helped me during the day when they were small and it worked great for everyone. Just an idea.

On the plus side you will have three children who love you, when you're older, and he fucking won't.

You sound amazing, he is being awful. I think you need to engineer a sit down with both him and his parents or just his mother. I would say 'our daughter is struggling', not 'i am struggling' - ie don't make it your failing as it is not. Then ask for their support for a few months until 'she feels more settled and secure'. This could be that they have the twins for an hour at theirs and drop them off when you've done bed time or one of them pops over.

Wow you are supermum! Your ex is SUCH a dickhead. Absolutely can't believe this, what a fucking big baby he is.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. You didnt have three babies on your own and children are a lifelong, constant commitment. Parents that can sit back and say "not my day" are baffling to me.

One of my DD's had extreme insomnia for 18 months a couple of years after he left. I was broken to the point where I seriously questioned my sanity and my ability to keep us all safe at night. I rang him in desperation one night and got "i can take her out for a couple of hours on Sunday give you a break if you want"

I never asked again.

If you have a decent relationship with your (ex)inlaws, maybe have a word and let them know you're struggling with getting everyone to bed, perhaps one of them could pop over and feed the twins while you see to your older one? x

Could dd stay over with dh during the week at his parents since its luterally down the road? Take her down at bedtime and say night then he deals with her at night, feeds her on morning then either takes her to school or drops her back to you.

I thought it was stupid bastard ex husband!

I have suggested separate nights in the past, the response I got was genuinely, ‘Well then we’d spend most of our evenings looking after children…’

@ButWhyNot88 Sorry OP but this made me laugh out loud. What an absolute fucking idiot. I would count my blessings he decided to leave.

You are doing brilliantly and, to echo others, I wouldn't even bother texting / ringing him asking for help. It's just giving you even more to stress about and eating into your already precious time. I would ask PIL to help out if I were you. And so what if it pisses your ex off. He's doing fuck all so it might make him feel bad if he knows his parents are helping with HIS CHILDEN whilst he's busy "in the shower" and having time to himself 🙄

I think you are amazing, OP. He sounds unbelievably selfish and immature. I can't get over him saying "but then we'd be spending most evenings looking after children". So telling about his internal belief that he now has days off from being a parent. Pathetic.

I'd be so hurt on my daughter's behalf if I were you. He might not care enough about you to help, but he doesn't even care enough about her struggling to make sure she has a calm bedtime at a sensible time. How fucking selfish. Especially given he's the reason she's struggling. I'd be absolutely livid if I were you. Congratulations on coping so far, you sound like an amazing mam and he should be ashamed of himself.

I think you are incredible to be coping as well as you are. I hope you can find a way to get more help with some of the suggestions here. I would be pushing for him to have the children more - each of you having one or two children some of the time seems a good solution. A mixture of some nights with all of them, some nights with twins only, some nights with eldest only and some nights with no kids for both of you (but with the balance meaning you still have them
more). It sounds like your eldest needs to know that her Dad is still there for her even though he’s moved out. It sounds like he’s left as he couldn’t cope with having twins and has checked out of parenting.

If your MIL is great grandparent and you have a good relationship with her could you ask her to help? Having her come along each evening might shame her son into getting his act together and helping on a regular basis. I honestly can't think of another solution. My eldest needed someone to lie with him while he got to sleep, and when I was home alone with two kids I had to breastfeed baby to keep him settled whilst sitting beside my eldest's bed holding his hand as he fell asleep. They are both much more independent now, so it does get easier!

YANBU to want support however, it could probably only ever be temporary support. It's not sustainable to rely on them for help. What you need is to find a proper solution and find a way to get a routine without their help because they're not going to be reliable. And if he meets someone else etc he's hardly going to be coming around to your house to help you with bedtime - it's not realistic. It will get easier, it's just hard work now.

I would start with your 4 year old - I also have a 4 year old and you need help with her sleep issues. Have you spoke to a HV or school nurse about this? You could try starting bedtime routine earlier for DD as 7.45pm seems quite late for this age - she could be overtired by that point which makes the problem worse. I start bedtime with mine at 6.45, lights out by 7.00pm.

Did he leave out the vows for better or for worse?

I believe he doesn't want you to ask your MIL, or anyone for help, really, because it will make him look and feel bad. He is well aware that these children are his responsibility, and everyone else is aware of that, also. However, he may be telling his parents that if you required any help then you will ask for it.

He may be ringing every evening, just so his parents believe that he is doing something by checking in. I'm not sure he would bother if he wasn't in his parents house. He may not be telling them that you are actually asking for help and struggling, but saying that you, and everything is fine. Another reason he doesn't want you going to your MIL perhaps.

Perhaps they think you kicked him out and that's why he is phoning instead of going around to yours. I don't understand how they can allow him to stay at theirs otherwise, knowing you have 7 month old twins and a 4 yr old. There needs at least 2 people in this situation, in order to cope with the combination of these difficult ages and stages.

Your H couldn't cope, so why on earth would he think you can cope alone OP? Just plain heartless and selfish!

If you can, please ask your MIL for help directly. I think you might start to see your H start turning up, out of guilt and shame, after a very short while.

I wish you all the best.