To think you can spend 17 years together and never truly know somebody

It’s always about them. It’s never about you. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less. I’m utterly broken.

I think the way you get over it is by realising it’s about them and their character, not you.

Agree with above, don’t let it change who YOU are.

You can’t let it inhibit your own future as otherwise it’s you that ends up losing.
Most of the time the people they cheat with aren’t anything special, they are just available.

Unfortunately there are just good / bad / complex people out there.

I also think it depends on the context, I’ve been cheated on a few times.
The first time I forgive as he took responsibility and there were complicated reasons our relationship wasn’t in a good place. So “good” person and the cheating was caused by the situation.

The other times were led by ego, game playing and they also used me for financial gain….
So unethical, immoral “bad” people without conscience, who will ultimately do what they want if it suits their needs.

You can’t let it dictate your future, go into your next relationship having faith in the person unless their actions give you cause not to.

I have learnt not to listen to what people say … watch their actions and that’s who they are.

I will also say I was the OW once (having been told the marriage was already over and divorcing … later turning out not to be true) It was a horrible experience and one I would never repeat.

He also then cheated on me repeatedly (which I absolutely deserved ….. karma)

OP, I was also in this position (so many of us!) and trusting people again is never going to easy or the same.
The best advice I had was not to let someone else's bad behaviour change the good, trusting person you are.
Be aware and careful, and make sure you have solid boundaries and be open about not tolerating bullshit, but ultimately deception is the fault of the person who does it.
I've made a choice to open up and trust again. It didn't guarantee that I won't be cheated on again, but I'm not letting one bad person take away my ability to have a loving, trusting relationship.
I absolutely fucking refuse to let him do that to me.

He tells me it’s because of what it’s done to me. I rather sarcastically replied that I was sorry for not taking it better.

I think they do just feel sorry for themselves.

I think the question you need to ask is he actually sorry for hurting you? Or is he sorry that he's hurting because he got caught/you're upset with him?
A lot of the time with cheaters, it's the second one, not the first. They're sorry because the affair made them feel bad.
I think it can happen that a cheater has genuine regrets but it's more often that they're feeling sorry for themselves.

I know some couples make it work, but how? How does this happen? My H is so regretful and sorry would do anything to have me back. But how does you move on from all the hurt and the lies and betrayal? I will never trust him again. It’s too much. It’s overwhelming. I’m stuck in the anger and the hurt.

Similar experience. How I let it go? I realised I was only hurting myself. My anger and other negative feelings towards him had zero impact on anyone but me.

Their actions are not about you, they literally don't care about you. It's not denying the horror and awfulness of what has happened, but more that they have moved on and you are consigned to history. It's pointless holding into that hurt, what purpose does it serve you? How is it helping you rebuild your life?

I'm not saying it's an easy thing to do, but it's something you should be working towards.

"you have to let it go"....I think anyone who has been traumatised by betrayal knows this. If you can tell me how to do that I'm all ears!
My DH left in August 23 after 25 years of marriage. Very very out of the blue for someone in his university class the same age as our oldest son.
All 3 aren't talking to him not because he left but because if the awful and crazy things he has done since, anyone would think he wasn't happy with the "love of his life".
I've had therapy. I'm at work, got good friends and can enjoy some things now. But I will be er get over the betrayal. He emotionally and financially destroyed me. I don't want to hold onto it of course I dont. But how can I ever come to terms with for example him getting engaged to get before he left me and using my money to buy her engagement ring?

I've long since moved on from my ex. Like you OP, I'm happy with my life and forgave him years ago (for my benefit, not his), but like you, when I'm alone with my thoughts, I feel such sadness for the person I was back then and for all the pain he caused.

This is a good point. And people don’t want to think of themselves as ‘bad’ or admit responsibility so try to justify selfish actions by blaming the other person and rewriting history as per ‘the script’.

So sorry this happened to you OP.

I completely get you. I found out over 10 years ago that my ExH was cheating after 14 years of marriage. I don't think I have ever got over the deception and his behaviour afterwards and will never trust anyone again. It has damaged me a lot even though I have moved on and was and still am a very independent person. And I'm still incredibly sad that the life that I thought I and my children would have is not what I thought it would be.

Sorry for what you’ve been through @EvenThe 💐 I completely agree!

I have a very close friend who has been through similar - also 17 years! 2 teenage kids. He happily played along and rescheduled their wedding multiple times during Covid when it turns out he was having an affair the whole time - went on for almost 2 years. The abuse he hit her with after she found out was unreal, along with the lies he was telling people about her 😔

However, he also ended up being 10s of thousands of pounds in debt which she knew absolutely nothing about until after the split so I’m so eternally grateful that the wedding didn’t go ahead!!

Same happened to me. One day he loved me and the next he shacked up with the OW.

Then the other woman then harassed and stalked me for years which ended up with her getting a criminal conviction. Turns out it was the biggest mistake of his life and she knew it and was extremely jealous.

These men often believe the grass is greener, it never is. They only think about themselves and leave families broken

Have you had counselling?

1)The fact is that this happens a lot actually, sadly.

2)Particularly with men. It's like a switch just goes off. They get divorced and just forget the 20 years marriage, recover very quickly and just quickly move in. Women seems to take longer.

3)Plus, why do you still hold him in such high regard? He wasn't actually the person that you thought he was, and if you're really honest with yourself and you look at your true personality traits before you met him during and after you probably put up with a lot and there were signs that if you really think about it, you should've taken more notice at the time, but you chose not to . Why?

4)And finally loads of people cheat, you see it on mn. Lots of people cheat and lots of people don't seem to have such much morals about cheating, the damage that a lack of trust does to a relationship. Once trust is gone it can never be regained. You might adjust, but trust is a wierd thing, can't be regained-gained.

On mn loads of people cheat. And in RL a few of my friends have. My morals and views on cheating seem rare. Have you knowledge's and accepted this? That unfortunately if you have strong views many sadly don't, he certainly didn't.

I realised this when i watched the movie "Gothika" as a teen

Very often, a human doesn't even know themselves... so what chance does anyone else stand?

I don't believe anyone can ever fully know another human being.

And you are expected to be over it and to move on v quickly.

I know exactly what you mean. My H had an affair and it’s shook me to my core. I have no idea who to trust now, my entire world has been turned upside down. Plus him and his family have blamed me for his actions. I can’t process any of it. I thought I knew him.

p.s. there are some videos on you tube about betrayal trauma which might help you

When the people who are suppose to love and protect us, betray us it really shakes you to your core. After all if they have done this then who can you trust?

I have a mother who betrayed me constantly and I have been cheated on by a partner as well. I no longer trust anyone. It's a lonely place to be but it's safer.

I completely understand OP - it's like you were living in blissful ignorance before, believing in the good of people and now you realise humans are actually pretty shit. It changes your perspective on the world and makes you feel much more vunerable than before. The naivety we have when we are young is wonderful in a way. Unfortunately a few hard knocks makes you realise the world is alot more cruel and unsafe than you gave it credit for.

Sorry for your troubles

Sorry I have been married 40 years so that doesn’t seem long to me😉

17 years sounds like later to me!

Sooner would have been before the kids came along.

I think that is true because humans are complicated creatures.

that is why no matter who you choose to share your life with it is imperative to be responsible for your own resilience. To not lose yourself to another.

if the closest person to me betrayed me of course my heart would be broken but I know with absolute certainty that I would be ok in the practical sense and emotionally eventually
I have skills to be alone although I know life would be different and difficult I could do it.

it’s a choice I have made to share my life and heart with someone but I have never made myself dependent (emotionally speaking) completely on another human for exactly the reasons you are saying that we can’t definitely know another person completely.
The best we can do is trust they are who we think and they show us they are but be ready in case one day they turn out not to be.

I also believe it’s not healthy to only have that one person as that leaves you vulnerable if the worst does happen but that’s maybe not for this thread.

with all that being said I’m really sorry @EvenThe you deserved better. I hope things are easier now.

I have heard of a lot of men changing over a partners pregnancy and after childbirth when the real them comes out. It’s stands to reason it can also happen later in a relationship. Also people change, values change. So sorry Op I can’t imagine how you feel x