I don’t know how to parent DD and am worried about her

I have heard that the being "bossy" in play can be a sign of autism in girls too. Not saying that to scare you , but it's a thought.

Could you try noise cancelling headphones whist out and about to see if tantrums reduce?

What do her nursery teachers say? I would talk to them to see if she is showing the same signs.

This sounds almost exactly like my DS at that age - he was diagnosed as autistic aged 6 and is now doing well at secondary. I was terrified when our senco first suggested autism but it isn’t what many people think it is and is a wide spectrum. We were fobbed off by our GP so went privately for an assessment (camhs waiting list was 5+ years!) and I’m so glad we did as he began to thrive with the right support. As others have said it might also be a distinct sensory processing disorder rather than autism (they can look similar)

I agree it sounds like autism and/or SPD. You may find that if you can reduce her stress levels her tolerance of noise improves a bit. You could try increasing routine and predictability and see if that helos. You could also try to find sensory activities that calm her. Swinging on a rope swing is a good one.

I would look into autism. It is very often overlooked in girls who appear to be reaching milestones on time. It is difficult to pick up on as girls are so good masking their issues and appear typical. Do some reading and if you think it is a possibility you may need to go privately for assessment.

Sorry just read through and seen yes possibly is.

Reach out for help through school mainly, also there's some helpful facebook groups.

is she ND?

This. NHS referral may take a long time, that’s if you can get one, so if can afford it go private.

There are nhs hyperacusis clinics in London and Manchester at least. Not sure about elsewhere.

I am obviously not sure where you are but this is the Manchester one

https://hsm.manchester.gov.uk/kb5/manchester/directory/service.page?id=dfoje8IzwF4&directorychannel=4-7&slaction=ADD&itemid=jDBLWa-DuCT6g_pczi-EaWKgTAGqS1vnX0KYuokg_Q$$

OP that sounds incredibly tough. Someone close to me experienced extremely similar - look into paediatric Occupational Therapy for sensory integration. I thought it sounded woo but it's been a game changer.

If you are quietly sitting in a room with her, does she try to control you then? Is it only to do with the noise? What would she be like with your little girl if they were both sitting quietly?

But I agree with this. It needs further investigation to rule out other causes of her distress. I'd pursue this while trying parenting as if it's autism to see if that changes anything.

Please go back to GP and insist on referral to a developmental paediatrician and CAHMS as this isn’t neurotypical behaviour and it sounds as if she is suffering - as are you all. Sending you strength, it sounds really hard x

You can use autistic parenting resources without a formal diagnosis. You know she has sensory issues with sound, you know she has some rigidity around her environment. Parent that.

The Explosive Child is a great book. It looks at working out what our kids find hard and then finding ways to support them (and you!) in navigating that.

Nothing magical happens after an autism diagnosis that you can't already implement now. Just focus on understanding what she's struggling with and trying different ways to make it better.

💐 go easy on yourself too, it's hard work.

I think your daughter needs assessed for autism.

I'm sure this is nothing that you've done, but instead that your daughter has additional needs. Sounds like you've done a good job trying a few things but you need professional support now. I'd start with a private GP appointment and then go from there with referrals.

Just to say that firstly, this sounds tough and almost certainly nothing to do with your parenting.

Secondly, Autism and sensory processing disorder are linked but also separate conditions (with SPD often being a symptom of autism). I did think this too, but her reaction to sounds could be for lots of reasons.

Although it's hard, it might also have something to do with baby coming along and her reaction. So the doctor saying to wait is to rule out other causes, especially if there has been a recent change in environment at home. It is extremely frustrating but as she is young it will be harder to diagnose.

Treatment is probably the best short term route, so ear defenders, a change in childcare possibly and some one to one time without the baby where possible are likely to be good options. Also, as she gets better with her communication you can ask her more what is going on.

I think it's likely she's Autistic. FWIW my now 10 year old went through a period around that age where he was like that with noise and also busy enviroments and it lasted maybe 2 years, but he's so much better now. It limited our lives a lot, the world got very small for him, we didn't go out much. I was scared at one point he'd get run over as he'd take off if he was triggered by a sudden loud noise and wouldn't wear anything over his ears because that hurt. He'd also run into anyone who was in his way when he took off. Thankfully that phase did pass and he's fine now even with things like handryers which he could never stand even before the bad bit. He still has a lot of limits because of how autism specifically is for him. His siblings are also autistic but it effects them differently. How well is she sleeping? That's always a big trigger for my DS, he's very sensitive to even missing a little sleep and then just can't cope.

This is not normal 4 year old behaviour. Your daughter has definitely got something going on. What does her nursery setting say about her ability to interact with her peers etc. You need support from your HV at this age or your nursery to get her seen by relevant paed professionals.

Can you have an age appropriate conversation with her about how she feels when her sister cries. Then you can pinpoint to a degree what the emotions/pain area is and chat about solutions. Essentially, acknowledging her feelings might go a long way to help her understand them herself. Do it step by step and Maybe have a selection of words to describe it and she can choose the relevant ones.

Reminds me a lot of my 3 year old daughter who is non verbal and has Autism. She can’t cope with a lot of different sounds and has sensory needs. I also recommend looking into sensory processing disorder/ND

It sounds like your daughter could potentially be neurodiverse. Have a read online about autism, PDA and sensory processing disorder.