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Original poster

AIBU to want to know why husbands infant brother died

137 replies

Rhysinpeices · 12/01/2025 21:00

When my husband was very young, his infant brother died. He doesn’t remember him or when it happened and only found out much later in his childhood (I think he was 10/11) about his existence when a relative dropped something into conversation. It seems to be a subject just not spoken about and i totally respect that.

the only reason I want to know is that I have recently had a dc and I want to know if it was something that could be genetic. I would assume that if it was someone would tell me or should have told DH years ago. Do I have a right to know or at least to know it’s nothing that could have any genetic link?

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 12/01/2025 21:08

It could have been SIDS with no genetic cause, and the grief was so bad they buried it all that time. If I had been that mother I don't think I could bear someone years later someone asking me probing questions about it. Surely they would already have told you if it was something that you NEEDED to know?

YouveGotAFastCar · 12/01/2025 21:07

Rhysinpeices · 12/01/2025 21:06

Perhaps i put that clumsily and I would ensure I was tactful. Or really, I think it should be DH who has the conversation

DH has never spoken to his parents about it… bar one conversation in which he informed his dad he knew. I actually never thought about it but a friend asked that surely I would want to know in case it could be something genetic.

Do you not think they'd have mentioned it, if it was? To your husband at any point, if not to you both when they knew you were pregnant?

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 12/01/2025 21:07

Yab massively U. Don’t bring this up.

Original poster
Rhysinpeices · 12/01/2025 21:06

Perhaps i put that clumsily and I would ensure I was tactful. Or really, I think it should be DH who has the conversation

DH has never spoken to his parents about it… bar one conversation in which he informed his dad he knew. I actually never thought about it but a friend asked that surely I would want to know in case it could be something genetic.

OP posts:
YouveGotAFastCar · 12/01/2025 21:06

Weirdly I have two friends in a similar situation - One whose husband's brother died a few months after birth, and one that was around 9 months, they think.

Neither MIL was willing to talk about them. I suppose it's a coping mechanism. One just left it, the other got her husband to ask if there was anything they needed to know about medically for the baby, which MIL said no to, and they trusted that as much as they could.

I don't think you've got a right to know, no. It'd be useful, but honestly, I think the time to have asked would have been pregnancy.

poemsandwine · 12/01/2025 21:06

YABVU.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 12/01/2025 21:06

YABU. Quite intensely.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 12/01/2025 21:05

Do I have a right to know

no, you don’t.

MaggieBsBoat · 12/01/2025 21:05

Good grief no. No right to know. You could ask your DH to have full genetic screening if you want but otherwise stand down!!

rubyslippers · 12/01/2025 21:04

yabu

it’s none of your business - if you have a good relationship with your DH I am sure he will have mentioned anything genetic
this would have been deeply painful
Stating you have a right to know is very bull in a china shop on such a sensitive matter

Dearg · 12/01/2025 21:04

Search on a genealogy website such as ancestry . I am in Scotland, and Scotland’s People website carries digitised copies of Registrars certificates, birth m death, marriage, divorce. You can buy a copy of a death certificate which shows cause of death. I imagine the same exists in many countries. It’s public record.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 12/01/2025 21:02

There are far better ways to put it than 'I have a right to know', really.

Can you work on a way to ask tactfully if there were any genetic conditions in the family that could be relevant for your DC?