AIBU to want to know why husbands infant brother died

@Rhysinpeices please do talk to loved ones. I got so bad that I still shake when a child coughs. And I have four.

It's so hard. Looking back I can see why it happened, but it did happen. And I couldn't stop it.

Anything could trigger me. SIDS, baby temperature, feeding patterns, bugs, germs.

Having a baby is a huge hormone and emotional journey.

My worry for you would be, let's say they said, car accident.

The anxiety would spiral into the next thing.

So express that worry, in a gentle way.

Honestly the chances of the baby dying at birth from something generic that isn’t a random genetic defect but your also H doesn’t have to your knowledge are slim to none surely? You’re over thinking this

I'd discuss this with your health visitor or GP for reassurance. When you have a baby, all sorts of worries and scares can run through your mind. A loss in the family, no matter how long ago, will have a lifelong impact on everyone involved, even people who join the family later on! I don't judge you for feeling worried about this and wanting to find out if your little one is at risk.

Did your baby have the usual heel-prick test when it was born? It would have screened for a multitude of genetic illnesses.

YABU but I understand why you want to know

If you are England/Wales pop on the GRO and get a copy of the death certificate it about £12.50

Scotland you will need Scotland’s People

I get why you’d want to check. My FIL for some reason treats my husband like he’s not his kid, so he completely failed to mention that ‘his father’ DH’s grandad and it turned out later FIL both had a genetic illness. We found out from DGF’s death certificate.

No, you have no right to know.

My MIL had a still birth. When I was pregnant I asked if there was anything I needed to let my midwife know about as DH’s grandparents were already dead and my MIL told me about various conditions and allergies. She didn’t mention her still birth and I had absolutely no right to ask about it. She knows I know about it and she has brought it up occasionally (usually at great expense to her, I lost a close relative and she wrote in the sympathy card about my relative absolutely finding her still born son and looking out for him until she can). If it was relevant to your son, they would have told you. Your in-laws will not risk the pain of losing their child and their grandchild and they will move heaven and earth to ensure you don’t feel the same pain they did.

You have no “ right “ and you are unlikely to get a diagnosis of note if no one has talked about it anyway - if it was relevant they’d likely have told you if they knew - eg “ well he was a blue baby “ etc.

diagnoses years ago were often less accurate too.

You/ dh should be able to find his death certificate if you know some details. I wouldn't ask PIL.

I'd presume SIDS rather than anything else. It's not your right to know.

I would imagine as it wasn’t spoken about it was something very traumatic for the family and you have no right to this information. That being said if it was something that could impact your children I trust the family would let you know. Do not bring this up with them.

If DH had been aware of a genetic condition the time to raise that would have been before a pregnancy and baby.

The fact you are raising this now, as a mum myself with post natal anxiety, suggests to me that perhaps you are not feeling ok.

And that's tough. So do reach out, talk to DH, talk to HV. Think about why this is making you anxious.

For me, to be fair, it wouldn't matter what it was, I was so far gone by the time I realised. So I hope some discussion early can help you.

Absolutely none of your business OP.

It would likely have been SIDS so a very sensitive subject that possibly carries much guilt

What if the baby had died accidentally in their care, and they'd never forgiven themselves? You do occasionally hear of babies rolling when co-sleeping and getting stuck between the mattress and the headboard etc. Or of ehausted parents falling asleeping holding their baby, and they wake up to find they've suffocated them by accident while asleep.

I mean, the trauma. Just no to someone asking about something like that.

How would that conversation even go?

”Hey MIL, heard you had a kid who died and I’d like all the goss please”.
“That’s a very personal subject and not one I’m ever comfortable speaking about. It’s none of your business”
”Well I want to make your tragic loss all about me and feel I have a right to know so tell me if it’s genetic”.
“No, it was cancer”
”Phew! That’s great!”

So you know a piece of information. You know that the parents were so deeply affected by this that they decided never to speak of it, even to their own children. Yet you have decided you want to try and pump them for information? Talk about heartless.

My ex-husband had a sister who died as a baby. It never once occurred to me to ask what she died of or that her death had anything to do with me at all, other than to be aware of a tragedy within his family. We do have a child together and I can honestly say that the idea of needing to know in case of heritary illness etc didn't once cross my mind.

If a DC has something serious genetically amiss such that its a major cause of death/disability and a sibling could be a carrier, i think its quite likely your DH would have been tested.

Is there a reason you think it would be something genetic? The most common causes of death in young children in the UK would be cancer and accidents including choking or asphyxiation.

You'd have been made aware if genetic

I think you are being extremely insensitive and unreasonable and have zero right at all. It's for your DH to question and for you to support anything he decides to do