AIBU to want to know why husbands infant brother died

Wanting to know and having a right to know are two completely different things.

When we have a baby, they are so perfect and the thought of anything happening to them is terrifying. Absolutely there is no denying that. But some people have lived through that terrible event. We don’t get to put our anxieties onto their grief and make it ours. Over something that hasn’t happened and is unlikely to happen.

As I said, do you think the grandparents are going to want to go through the loss of their grandchild after they’ve lost their child? They know that loss and so if there was something to tell, they’d have told OP to help her avoid that scenario.

OP isn’t unreasonable as a new mother wanting to know. She is unreasonable to ask. Especially in something that is not spoken about in the family.

It's a touchy subject for some.

Your OP was a little clumsy and entitled but I do understand why.

Don't take it too personally, you always get the odd keyboard warrior and generally MN is very supportive

Is there someone else in the family you can ask like an elderly aunt? someone who may have known them at the time the child died?

My DH's baby sister died at the age of three. It never occurred to me to bring it up with my late in-laws or indeed my husband. He mentioned it just once or twice, when our eldest was a baby, and it was clear he was still grieving. These are not wounds to be reopened for curiosity's sake. X

Oh god @Rhysinpeices that must be so hard and panic inducing.

I understand why you feel you have a right to know, but I suspect that they haven't spoken about it because it is far too painful.

I don't think you or DH should ask if I am honest. However kindly it is down it will sound callous and accusatory to your in-laws.

The chances are that it was cot death and if it was a gebetic issue they may not have been told.

If you are concerned about genetic issues I would speak to your doctor and request genetic screening for your dh and dc.

harldy any reason at all. Calm down

Perhaps it's too painful? Perhaps an unfortunate accident or malpractice?

I think best leave things be.

I can understand why you want to know but as others have said please don’t ask.

My dd died a few years ago and I have occasionally felt like I need to explain to dsis more about what happened, as she will be having dc in the near future. She’s never asked and it’s not something I want to discuss but probably should.

This is what I would do.

I get why you want to know. It's also a question that can come up from midwives or health visitors about family history. I had a similar situation where my in laws lost a child from SIDS and I found it massively triggering for my post natal anxiety (I literally read every study on SIDS). It might be they just don't know though and genetic screening is much better now I'm sure.

I also think you have no right to know.
Your child faces many risks whilst being alive; as do all children and people who are alive; this is just another potential thing. You have no right to ask about this and it’s none of your business.

Given that it happened in a different country in a different culture in a different generation it’s entirely possible that MIL and FIL don’t know a huge amount of medical detail, and the death certificate may not contain it either. Of all the things it could have been, a genetic issue passed down through generations is less likely.

I definitely wouldn’t ask why/how he died.

I would be asking parents on both sides if they know of any genetic illnesses.

And unlikely to have had genetic testing.

I honestly get why you want to know and think I would too. However it would be really horrible of you to ask anything. You have my sympathies though and I hope your little one is fine. I WOULD explain the situation to the doctors and midwifes though, just in case they saw something in your baby that was weird and might be nothing, but might not be. My first cousin died of cot death aged 15 months, before I was born, I have always wondered about him and why.

It doesn’t really matter tbh. They certainly didn’t live to adult hood

It’s understandable that she would want to know. Wouldn most of us? What is important is how she asks that question.

Death certificates are available in different countries too.

Losing an infant is incredibly painful.
No.
You don't have a right to know.