AIBU to want to know why husbands infant brother died

There’s some nasty pp’s on here.
Another worried mother left MN because keyboard warriors are being judgmental and faux outraged that op may wonder if her baby or future dc may be at risk.

You’re not worried about the in laws, you're just enjoying the moral outrage.

Get tested maybe ? Some heart conditions for example can be monitored but only if they are known about

Since when do we have a delete button?

As somebody whose baby died I get it I expect my kids to ask these questions one day. We have always been very open about it though. I don't think your being unreasonable he could just ask mum or dad do I have anything to worry about genetically rather than getting all the details.

MIL had a twin who died shortly after birth. When I was pregnant with DC1, I told GMIL that the midwives were asking if there was a family history of still birth/ early death (which was true) and I'd told them there was but that I knew no more detail. GMIL then told me what I needed to know.

??

Absolutely not your business. Check your entitlement and respect boundaries.

What if it was genetic? What are you going to do with this information? Edit the genes of your dc?

Sorry but you have no right to know anything. Your mother in law went through the worst thing anyone could every imagine losing her child. Obviously very private grief leave it well alone. Enjoy your baby.

Not entirely true, someone suggested the OP was heartless and one of the latest posters said she was fucking selfish.

She was asking for advice, it was clear she was a worried new parent asking how to handle this (if at all).

So you have a gut feeling that it was foul play? and you’re saying ‘genetics’ to cover up your suspicions?

theres Probably a reason why it’s not known, and it won’t be something genetic. Could have been an accident and they don’t want people talking. Maybe your husband accidentally did something and they’re trying to protect him.

Firstly, assuming this was 30-40 years ago, genetic testing then was far less advanced than it was now, so even if there was a genetic cause it isn’t a guarantee that it would have been identified so it likely wouldn’t help you much.

Also, the most common cause of infant death back then was SIDs. The introduction of the safe sleep guidelines have massively reduced the occurrences of this now, so whilst there may be some aspects of genetic predisposition to SIDs, that risk is all but cancelled out by the improved knowledge around safe sleeping.

No need for that! OP is not being insensitive, merely needed advice on whether to broach the subject and how to ask. She is clearly considerate of the feelings of others!

No you don't have a right to know,can you imagine losing a child? It must be one of the .oat devastating things ever to happen to a parent and you want to bring it up? Horrifying absolutely horrifying.

Like others have said I would phrase it as a generic question - I think it’s very reasonable to want to know if there are any conditions in the family. My DD has a chronic illness that no one, including her father, thought to mention was a strong possibility. I was very hurt no one thought to give me a heads up.

My grandmother lost two children and she also never talked about it. After she passed away we found some documents and realised one of them died while she was pregnant with one of my uncles. How heartbreaking to go through pregnancy while also grieving your toddler.

Same. My husbands older sibling died shortly after birth. It has honestly never occurred to me to that I should have probed into why he died. The family never talk of him, I can't imagine the pain my MIL would have gone through. I would never have wanted to add to that.

This is a likely explanation.
DH doesn't know, it's possible MIL and PIL don't know if it was genetic.
If you are really anxious you could ask him to ask if there's anything you should know in the family medical history which would be useful to be aware of for your baby.
That way the question is generalised in terms of relatives not specifically about their dead son, but you've referenced your baby so if they know anything relevant they can tell you.
However you need to brace yourself for a vague explanation eg their DS died of something unexplained. Will that make you more or less anxious ? Consider what the knowledge may do for you and your mental health if it's not what you hope.

OP never said she had the right to know!

I'm really sorry people are being so shitty to you. I had a similar thing and it either triggered or was a sympton of a form of PND where I was so worried about baby dying of SIDS or something else. I don't think you are wrong for wanting to know but you might have to move forward with being OK if you don't find out and realising it's not linked to your baby in any way.

It's very understandable that you'd want to know.

But no you don't have the right.

There is no need to do that. No-one is suggesting you're a terrible person for wondering if you should ask, just that you definitely shouldn't ask, and that it's entirely understandable that Dh's mum would want to keep that information to herself.

Then surely you can imagine how traumatised you would be, for the rest of your life, if you lost a child completely unexpectedly when they were a baby.