AIBU to want to know why husbands infant brother died

Not only do you not have a right to know, it's highly unlikely that they would know unless it was something very obvious, and they would be likely to disclose eg we have x in family. Genetic testing as widely available now wasn't available 25 + years ago, my dd was tested 23 years ago as part of a pilot due to certain symptoms and it was highly unusual and only due to where we lived

OP just wanted to offer you some support - I think some PP are being incredibly unkind with the pile on. I think I do understand why you want to know what happened. You also clearly do understand that it's an unbelievably difficult topic, and given that you are asking the question here, I think you are indeed sensitive to the feelings of others. Otherwise you'd have just blurted it out at some point without any consideration. Perhaps the way your OP was worded wasn't ideal, as I don't think anyone has a "right" to know this sort of information. But you obviously realise that now.

Some of the responses on here are ridiculous and also quite hypocritical. Why is it ok to be so rude and unkind to an anonymous stranger on the internet (swearing, calling you selfish, heartless etc) when you're simply asking a question. I don't think most of the people replying would talk to someone they knew in real life this way.

I am so very sorry.

@Rhysinpeices I would certainly want to know in your position. No doubt DH's family are grieving still, and perhaps there is some cultural sensitivity about whatever happened, but the cause of the death might have been genetic, and could affect your existing and future children in some way at some point. Whether or not you 'have the right', you need to know.
Could DH explain this to his parents and request a brief but straightforward answer about the cause of death, eg the name of the illness if it was an illness, or just 'it was an accident' if not? You wouldn't need to ask more after that and DH could promise that you would keep it to yourselves unless it was necessary to involve professionals at some point.
Perhaps you will find that there was a tragic accident and no possible genetic implications, which will be a relief. Fingers crossed for you.

You don’t really have a right to know, but I do sympathise. When I was pregnant as an older mum the midwife/doc asked about family history. Transpired partner’s older sibling had died shortly after birth (he found out as a teen, never discussed in their family). Partner was vague on exact cause - there were a couple of issues and docs asked him to speak to his mum to get more info. There was no way his mum would have ever discussed it - had all been swept under the carpet as loss was serious trauma for her. He had to ask another relative for info so there could be extra checks.

Don’t see the point now as your child is here and all safe, unless you are planning more.

I had my son two years before my other children were born, he died when he was 5 months. Our other children all know about E and the reason he died, if in future any of my children or their partners need to know any more information I’m more than happy to share the copies of his medical records and all records I have of afterwards. If my experience helps them in any way who wouldn’t share important details?

My uncle drowned when he was 5 and my aunt died suddenly when she was 2, I wish I’d known why my aunt died before I had E as it could have been a completely different outcome for us. My grandmother refused to discuss anything about how her children died and my mother claimed she never knew. I never found out until I went looking after I lost my own son. It’s difficult not to be bitter some days.

I can imagine you might have a feeling of wishing to know. But you can't force others to talk about bereavement if it hasn't been raised already by them. Some people can't bear to talk about death. Especially that of a child.
If they wanted to share the reason why then they would have. I would imagine it was due to illness or an accident.
If you have suspicions over family members being abusive then I guess I can see why you might have concern. But otherwise I'd say it's best to leave it.

I found something out after the birth of my second child that sent me into a bit of a spin. So I can't help wondering, if part of the issue for the OP is that no one thought to mention it earlier.

Nothing can take away the pain for her PIL and of course OP doesn't have a right to know details. As a mother though, worrying about a possible threat to her child's health is normal and her feelings are valid.

Statistically, it isn't that likely to be an inherited condition unless other family members have been affected, but it's always a good idea to talk through your worries with a health professional. It's also good to remember that in the UK, the heel prick screening and tests done by midwives, HV and GPs pick up a number of underlying conditions.

Sending a hug, I think curiosity is natural and especially because it might have an impact on your child. Don’t think you’ve done anything wrong questioning yourself on whether you should find out x

Problem is they are from a different country and culture. We don't know where the death occurred.

It's understandable that you might wish to know.

It's understandable that the parents might not wish to discuss the matter, whether it was SIDS, an accident or genetic.

It will ultimately depend on how comfortable your DH is in trying to have that conversation with his parents.

Poor OP 😕

I'm going to go against the grain here and say, although you might have phrased it clumsily, I understand your concern.

You don't "have a right" to be told but it would be nice to have the reassurance that this is not something that s likely to affect your family. Unfortunately if this all happened abroad you may never know but it's worth mentioning to your care team if you do become pregnant again, just in case it triggers any extra testing.

I think there are some very unkind people on MN nowadays so please don't take this to heart. Try to ignore and enjoy time with your baby

Monitored how? On the NHS? You are joking, I assume?

I think it’s normal that you want to know this OP.
I would too.
It’s just part of trying to protect your children, isn’t it?

Guys. She’s gone. Leave it alone now. The thread will come down soon.

Exactly same situation here and I have never pushed to know. It's too painful to ask about and I never have.

I’m so surprised that everyone seems to be against this. I would say you DO have a right to know.

Anyone can request a death certificate. They usually list cause of death.

I had a little boy at 27 weeks who had congenital heart issues inco.patible with life. We could have aborted at 23 weeks but chose not to.

It was utterly devastating but is information my children and their partners are aware of and must be aware of. It was not genetic. I would happily answer any questions they needed to know. It was nearly 28 years ago.

Similarly, dd has ADHD, DH's father was likely undiagnosed ASD, in those days aspergers.

@Rhysinpeices you are not being remotely unreasonable. There's a need for open and transparent communication.

This thread is unbelievable in my opinion.

It’s natural to want to know, but it’s really not your business and will be painful and intrusive to try to ask.

Health DNA tests are affordable, just get one for your baby if you want to know.

My baby was stillborn and I wouldn't appreciate being questioned about it, because someone thinks they have the right to know . However years ago when a baby died women were actively encouraged not to talk about these things they had to get on with it and I should imagine it's very hard to get out of that mindset.

It is most likely the baby's cause of death wasn't pertinent to your child/ren but I understand why you'd want to know if it is. I feel that people should communicate hereditary conditions to blood relatives but I know they often don't do this (often because they don't properly understand the diagnosis).

I underwent genetic testing while pregnant after my close family member had a diagnosis and it was recommended by their genetic councillor to be sure me and my kids didn't have it. This condition is often diagnosed later in life but early medical treatment in toddlers can be very beneficial.

I think she means her account.