AIBU to want to know why husbands infant brother died

Mine neither, but it did clearly cross my MWs mind

No, you don't have a right to know. Having said that, in England and Wales death certificates are a matter of public record, so if the death occurred there and you know the basic details (name and approximate year and location the death occurred) you could discretely get a copy of the death certificate (there is a gap in the online records between 1958 and 1983 so no good if the death was in those years).

General Register Office (GRO) - Official information on births, marriages, civil partnerships and deaths

You know, I’m going to disagree on the “you have no right to know” stance

When I was pregnant MW asked us about any conditions in the family, my husband’s uncle had a learning disability and she said we should explore what that was. It was tricky as most people were dead/without legal capacity but we did find out it was meningitis so not genetic.

I can understand your desire to know. In a first midwife appointment they take a family medical history and are clearly looking for genetic issues that might affect your pregnancy. I wouldn't say you have "a right" to know but if your husband can have a discreet chat with one of his parents that would seem sensible, particularly if you are considering more children.

No youbcant ask your in laws. If you feel you absolutely have to know, then you can order a death certificate which will give a cause. However you'll then need to keep that to yourself as telling the in laws what you have done would be hugely insensitive.

I hope you and posters like you are happy that you have basically hounded an anxious first time mother, who might have PND, away from mumsnet for simply being concerned for their child.

I think they would have mentioned it had it been something genetic.

My brother died before I was born, my mam rarely talked about it and I didn't like to bring it up in case it upset her. When I became pregnant at a young age she panicked and told me about his genetic condition so I could get screened at scans. I really think they would have told you.

I think you have a valid point. My DH had an emergency operation as a 6 week old baby but wasn't told about it. The scar on his abdomen was explained as 'he swallowed a sixpence and had to have it removed'

When we had our first DS my MIL finally told DH about the operation which had been necessary because of a genetic condition. Our DS also had the condition and needed a lifesaving operation. Without knowing about the genetic link the doctors wouldn't have been able to make such a swift diagnosis and rectify the problem. Our second DS was monitored but was OK.

It's important to know if there is a potential genetic issue.

It is tragic that anyone loses a child , but that doesn't prevent another family member from wanting to check the implications for their own child. There isn't a hierarchy here. And anyway it's quite possible to find out without discussing it if necessary.

It wouldn't be surprising if siblings of a lost child might assume it's wrong to ask, but that the actual bereaved parents understand the reasons .

Other countries also have death certificates

Same issue here with DH’s brother. We don’t even know whether he was stillborn or lived for a while.
His mum doesn’t talk about it and I don’t think I have a right to know although I did wonder about it quite a bit during my own pregnancies.

I think you have to respect her wishes and leave well alone if she doesn’t want to talk about it

I was four when my 6 day old brother died in his sleep.

It still is a painful subject for my family;one of my own children shares a birthday with him;it's always a bitter sweet day.

Although technically it was recorded as SIDS my family were given an explanation for it.It wasn't genetic or environmental.

Many people replying will be "being sympathetic" to all the Mums who have lost children in infancy.

@KimMumsnet I don't think it is unreasonable for posters to be more empathetic to Mums who have lost a child, than to the OP on this thread.

Fucking selfish?

She’s a worried mum, asking on a parenting forum for some advice. Don’t be such an arsehole.

Very few genetic conditions are caused by single gene mutations. You'll be no further forward in determining absolute risk to your child, unless you knew that you were both definitely carrying a recessive for one of them. It also seems unlikely as why would a your husband's brother die infancy and not him as well?

I lost an infant brother. I was 7. He was too long being born and he developed meningitis and died at 9 days.

Babies unfortunately die for all sorts of reasons that aren't genetic.

I was mildly concerned about my paternal grandmother's cause of death considering she'd died very young. My father was a child when she died and older relatives were very unforthcoming.It was tuberculosis - I found the death record on line. My mother's family had cited a history of TB in my farher's famly as one of the many reasons why my mother shouldn't marry my father. Then just last year we found out there was even more tuberculosis in my mother's family which had been carefully kept quiet. Neither my father nor mother developed TB and there is no sign of a genetic predisposition to TB in me or my children.

Realistically, the chances are much more likely it was cot death or some infection. It could even have been as a result of a birth injury.

Even if it was genetic, there's no guarantee that your husband even got that same gene and your child's gene pool is half yours. It could even have been a spontabeous mutation in his little sibling just something going awry on the gene split as a matter of pure bad luck. Lots of people have a defective or less than ideal recessive which is masked by the other parent's good gene - as long as there isn't a line of cousins marrying cousins. For example, my father and my husband are both colourblind but neither I nor my sons are colour blind. My sons are not even carriers. They got my mother's good x though I carried my father's defective x as well.

To be honest I would like to think and hope if there was any chance of there being a "genetic" concern, it would have been mentioned before you actually had your own child

Mumsnet very odd today. She obviously needs to know of genetic issues, I agree.

Just search for the child’s death certificate and order a copy

You can get a copy of any death certificate you wish. They are a public record

OP, I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all in wanting to know. My DH had an older sibling who died before DH was born. DH didn’t know the cause of death, but knew enough information for us to obtain a birth certificate from the General Register Office (UK). Both DH’s parents had died at this point, so he was unable to ask.

I agree with @QueenOfHiraeth You have asked the question to us clumsily so you definitely need to work on your phrasing but I think it's ok for you to ask DH to reach out to one of his parents and ask. Even SIDS can have be genetically related, although rare. Knowledge is power when it comes to medical stuff.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, you would hope if it was a genetic condition then you would have been told, but you never know. It could be something like epilepsy which would be good to know if there's family history etc. It's highly likely to sadly have been sids, or something equally as tragic but not a genetic issue. I have a close relationship with my mil, we've had conversations about very personal things that happened to her and I would feel comfortable asking her if this was me, but then nothing is secret or taboo and there isn't the cultural element you speak of.
I would do as a pp suggested and try track down a death certificate or something, that way you can find out without ever mentioning it.
Or possibly get your DH, if he's comfortable enough and close enough with his parents, to ask one of them, or even better an aunt/uncle who will know but it not be a super emotional thing to ask.

I am so sorry this happened.