To think adult DD expects too much of me?

I don't disagree that she's expecting too much. I'm wondering why she has that expectation. When she was her DDs age, was she cared for by grandparents a lot, like more often than an overnight a month? So that to her is normal? Or possibly I'm overthinking and she just likes going out! But it might be worth asking gently about where this expectation has come from, rather than just being blunt.

"Although she is a mother herself, she is quite immature and expects the same amount of attention and time as her younger siblings, which includes me babysitting."
Then it's high time you disabused her of her foolish notions. Next time she whines at you, I would suggest that you point out firmly just how many childcaring resources she has compared to you. And I would frankly be telling her I would not be babysitting for the forseeable, and she should consider whether her idea of a night out ("a night out for DD usually equates to the entire weekend") needs updating. In short she needs to grow the fuck up. And you need to enforce some boundaries, but you already know that.

You are not being unreasonable, far from.
I realised I had a job to do when I had my five. I did it, and did it well enough. I paid for the childcare they needed when I was working or I very sparingly used it as a last resort, mainly for the others to be born, where my Mum and Dad stepped in to help while me and OH were in hospital. I can count on one hand how many times I went out with my husband to socialise with free help over a fifteen year period. Now they have grown up and are having kids of their own, they too, in my opinion, have a job to do. I can sometimes help with that job, and I love it if it suits us all, but it is not always, and cannot be expected. Comparison is the thief of joy, but the inequalities here are dreadful. Your daughter is a SAHM with supportive partner with one child, and seems to fancy a weekend off. You however are not in the same boat. You are in a different boat altogether as a single working mother with 2 ND children. There are some possible sensible familial economies of scale here - i.e. you are looking after 2, you might as well be looking after 3, but it has to cut both ways. I agree with other posters, show her this, she probably isn't aware of how entitled she is being but please just don't lie down and take it - your job is done here. Wishing you love and luck with it all xxx

Honestly, people need to think more carefully about having children. Unless there is some long back story.

Tbh it would probably be no bad thing for her in terms of growing up a bit if you were to step back. She's a mother now, she needs to be an adult.

Suggest to her that you do swaps with babysitting so you get some time off too. You do a lot, you’re working and have school age children yourself and it shouldn’t be expected of you.

I'm in the same boat, albeit with a greater distance
I work full time, have a teen still at home and elderly parents.
Being a grandparent is just an extension of never being a good enough parent.

Your DD has chosen to have a child.
your DD, despite claiming needs support or more help for MH issues chose to have a child. Their upbringing is totally their responsibility.

perhaps finding a job would help your DD more?

@Roastingtatties

Quite frankly I think you should be doing less not more! When do you get any time for you?

Just ask her why she cannot understand your situation?

Your DD is completely unreasonable and very entitled.
You do more than enough and more than anyone I know! My DD’s grandparents babysit over night maybe 2 or 3 times a year max, that would only be if we had a wedding or something important we both had to go to. I wouldn’t dream of asking or expecting it on a regular basis.
she should not have had a child if you don’t want to look after them.

she has no idea how lucky she is to have you.

I'm wondering if there is more going on here.

What is the age gap between her and her younger siblings?

Do they have the same father?

I'm just wondering if there is jealousy going on here.

Same as PPs, my first thought was "what is she doing to help with her siblings?"

In fairness to her, I don't think it's generally unreasonable to expect support from your parents when you're raising your own young family and I don't think this is necessarily entitled. And her siblings are not her kids, so that obligation doesn't really exist the other way. BUT clearly the age gaps between your children make the situation a little different to most. It really wouldn't hurt her to consider your needs too and the fact that this could be a mutually beneficial setup where you both get time to rest and time to spend with GC/siblings.

Given the fact you have school age children, she isn't being sensible or kind to criticise your efforts.

I don't think she should be having to babysit her siblings, sorry to say as the eldest by some years also I was continually expected to do this and my relationship with them has suffered.

NOT that i think you do this op, and it is a separate issue.

She does entirely need to learn how to appreciate any help given though.

Is she ND as well at all? It could account for her immaturity, not an excuse but could help the way you approach her with this ingratitude.

It sounds like you are doing plenty! Was she a very young Mum? Assuming so if you are young enough to have school age kids and her own Gran is still young enough to babysit? It doesn’t change what you can do but might be making it hard for her if she’s watching similar age friends go out all the time etc. Has she got “Mum” friends that she’ll have more in common with at this stage of life? A job might help her MH even part time now that your GD is at school.

She sounds demanding.

you work, you have two other children.

once every 4/5 weeks is plenty. She’s taking the piss.

my mum had ours one night a month to let dh and I have a night out, we were very grateful as my mum has a busy life.

Does she take her younger siblings at all to help you out?!
Yanbu. She's being entitled

Tell her you just can't continue with babysitting, both weekends and during the week. Your mental/ physical health needs take priority from NOW!

It might also be worth making it clear that she you definitely do not have the capacity to increase your help should she decide to have a second child...

I also think there is something a of a difference between babysitting to give her a break because she struggles with mental health and babysitting so she can party all weekend.

Lolol I laughed out loud. Audibly loudly at the cheek of your dd. From now on I’d make it transactional. She can baby sit her younger siblings every so often at her house for the weekend to give you a complete break.

I'd ask her to babysit her siblings weekly.

You have a lot on your plate and you already do more than enough. She's being incredibly ungrateful and selfish. I can't believe she has the audacity to complain, especially given her situation.

I loved spending time with my grandmother and I really appreciated when my own mother babysat for me but it’s not a given. She’s not entitled to it, it’s something you do because you want to.

She needs a reality check.

Please stand up for yourself. Tell your daughter that you are tired and have a lot on your plate. If she is not happy with that then tell her that is how things are and you cannot do more. You need to preserve your mental health and physical health to keep looking after your other 2 children.