Why should one person do it all?

Does he pay for his children op?

i think you are not being unreasonable, does he provide financial support or is he useless at that aswell,
He needs to start pulling his weight, he has had an easy time so far, you need some time for yourself

You're right. It's not ok but there's nothing you can do to change his behaviour except ask. Unfortunately it sounds very unlikely he'll step up but worth asking. The only person who you can change is you and the head space and energy you give trying to make him be better. Sounds worth an ask, but not much more than that because he's proven himself to be a useless father.

I wouldn't leave my children with someone who didn't care about them. I was a single parent myself so I know this.

You are not being unreasonable for wanting him to put in some effort, but after 8 years, there is no way you could leave your dcs alone with him. They don't know him. He doesn't know them and clearly doesn't give a toot about them. You don't know who he associates with, what his habits are. He is essentially a stranger.

It isn't fair but that's the reality now.

I can't imagine why people think you want him back. What mother in her right mind would want a man like that back?

You are right. He should take equal responsibility. Unfortunately what is morally correct is not very often what happens.

My ex on paper is a great dad. We have 50/50, no court orders needed, he paus maintenance reliably. Not the amount the CMS suggest, but a fair amount. He tips it up with 50% of all other costs for clubs, school trips etc.

In reality he is utterly useless at life/adulting/parenting etc.

Sometimes it is about picking your battles.

In your case, you are not unreasonable on the surface. But if he is unlikely to commit to regular contact, then is tryong to forcing him to be involved perhaps counter productive? Could the repeated in and out of their life be more damaging in the long run?

As much as I fully appreciate your need for time out, in becoming a parent you choose to sacrifice your own wants and needs in favour of what is best for your children.

I'm not sure if I have missed the age of your children, but perhaps sleepovers with friends or are the older siblings of friends old enough to babysit to give you the odd evening off? Are there grandparents who are able and willing to have them overnight?

I'm not sure what your point is with that. Mum's aren't being forced into parenting either.

Reach out and see if he will be interested in seeing his kids and if so, work out a step up plan where he spends increasing amounts of time with them.

Don't worry about what anyone says about you wanting him back. This is about what's best for your kids. It would likely be better for your kids to have some kind of relationship with their dad, barring addiction or abuse issues, and having him a bit involved in their lives. You can talk to him first about a step up plan but make it clear he needs to be consistent. Having a bit of contact then ghosting them will not fly.

I didn't bother with my ex because he just wasn't interested. I didn't want to leave my young child with somebody who didn't want him around to be neglected or worse so I just left it. Depends what your ex is like. Obviously it's not fair but I just had to put my child first and leaving him in the care of a bad parent wasn't an option for me.

OP you don't get to choose his involvement in their lives. He's chosen to be absent. And when he did make contact you didn't allow it and he didn't pursue it. Try and get maintenance from him but thats all you will get I think.
Of course this isn't about whats fair for him or you but what is good for the children. I can't see how they would benefit from being foisted on this reluctant good for nothing.

Has he shown any interest in seeing them?

Why would you want to leave your kids with a father who can't be bothered to see them for two whole years?

Of course his being a deadbeat dad isn't fair to them. But he's a deadbeat. No amount of pissing and moaning will change that.

Does he pay child maintenance?

If someone hadn’t bothered with their kids in 2 years I certainly wouldn’t be reaching out to them!

I wouldn’t want to have left my kids with someone who has not the slightest attachment to/interest in them.

He shouldn't get to but you can't force someone to give a crap, unfortunately. And technically you could skip off, your children would just have to go into care.

Ok.

I mean if he wanted to be an active equal parent I think he would be doing that already.

I am not telling you not to reach out.

You don’t ask, you don’t get. I am just saying be prepared that it may not go how you want it to.

Well, good luck with that.

What's more likely is your kids will become fodder in your title for tat and it'll become starkly apparent that dad's not interested.

Let him be a shit parent, don't become the one who puts your kids through heartache because their dads a shit human being.

It’s fair for you to reach out but be prepared to be ignored. Unfortunately you cannot make a parent, parent.

So for 8 years he's coasted through life and you've not held him to account in that time but now you think you're going to get anywhere with it?

He's a shit dad, just because you're fed up of being a single parent doesn't mean he's going to become super dad, he's a shit dad and a shit human being. This is your lot.