AIBU to think that my 'D'H of 36 years is an arsehole

You found the strength to do something very few alcoholics manage by themselves, you kicked the habit. The strength that took is amazing.

However, whilst you may not have an issue with your husband having alcohol in the house, I do, its almost as if he is baiting you with it.

I'm fat, when I am on a diet, I would not expect my husband to bring a chocolate fudge cake into the house and leave it there, that is cruel, mean and sabotaging. I am never happier than when I am overindulging in food but then Io hate myself for doing it and it could kill me. However you had amazing strength and now he is suggesting you have a drink every now and then. There is no such thing as "just one drink" for an alcoholic and he knows that.

Many alcoholics drink to self medicate because they are unhappy and its a release. Maybe now you are sober you are beginning to realise that there are issues with your life, that you had accepted may even be because you were an alcoholic, which far from being the driver for it, was the reason for it and in the cold sober light of life now, you realise there are issues to be fixed....your so called loving husband for one.

It sounds to me like you need to sit down and discuss expectations because if he is offering you no support when you are physically and mentally distressed and his suggestion is that you should have a drink. He does not have your best interests at heart, it sounds like he is trying to sabotage you.

I never suggested that it made any sort of difference, what an odd assumption.

I asked the question because it sounded as if OP was in full warrior mode - alcohol - check, menopause - check! All that's needed now is husband... check or chuck?

Well done you, stick to you guns.
I was never much of a drinker but certainly also found menopause so much easier when completely avoiding alcohol, so not surprised that the OP mentioned that. Even now at 65 I'll get a hot flush even sniffing a glass of wine.

Maybe OP didn't feel she needed HRT. I went through the menopause without HRT because I had few symptoms. Not every menopausal woman needs it. I don't think HRT would have made her DH less of an arsehole.

He is either:

ignorant in that he does not know that you never encourage an alcoholic to drink as once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic.

manipulative and trying to sabotage all your good work for some reason

selfish and only thinking how nice it would be for him if you could only have a drink or two together, rather than how this would affect you.

Whichever it is, he is a massive arsehole. Maybe you should get rid of him as well as the drink? You might actually be happier without this twat in your life.

This is what I wanted to know also, OP. HRT has changed everything for me. If you can't take it then fair enough and I hope you're getting through menopause as well as you can.

Congratulations on your sobriety, hard-earned and well-deserved. Tell your husband straight that you no longer drink and that if he makes further comments on that then you will lose every bit of respect for him - but still not drink.

No one is happy ALL of the time, regardless of whatever else is or isn't going on in their lives. So that's complete bullshit and an unreasonable expectation. Even worse, when you are a recovering alcoholic and he's attempting to end your sobriety for what? To be his performing (happy) monkey?

I'd wonder what about your behaviour when you 're drunk (horny, easier to manipulate/convince of things etc) he actually wants back.

I do enjoy alcohol. Never been a heavy drinker and lucky in that its never be a problem to me, but it has always made me annoyed when I refuse a drink or choose a soft drink and someone says something like "oh go on have a real drink" deffo YANBU

Well done OP, he's wrong in so many ways!
Undermining your sobriety
Equating happiness with drinking
Not trying to find out why you are unhappy (if you are) and working with you to help

Congratulations on making such an important change 👏
It sounds like he is blinkered to your needs both with day to day issues and huge stressors such as menopause and moving house. Is there any care in your relationship?

Demi Moore describes similar in her memoir, how Ashton Kutcher didn't "believe" in alcoholism and she blew years of sobriety to join him with glasses of wine and wound up an addict again. Terrible idea and really unhelpful. Stay strong and tell him to STFU.

Yes, this. He prefers you when you aren't soberly assessing his behaviour.

It really depends on where it came from, if he is normally supportive and it is a combination of ignorance, concern for your wellbeing/happiness, he either doesn't realise you were an alcoholic and alcoholism isn't "cured" after many years of sobriety. Then have a conversation.

If he fully understands, is cruelly using it as a weapon or because he wants a drinking buddy then read him the riot act.

Nasty of him.

This!

He wants to drag OP down to his level.

OP This asshat is a definite risk to your long term wellbeing.

I can't believe he'd be happy for you to endanger your hard-won sobriety for his own convenience. Actually, I can. What a total arsehole. I'd be making it VERY clear that he must never make that suggestion again and that if he did I would be filing for divorce.

@RazorSharp1 - Well done for quitting alcohol.
Your partner is a serious threat to your new alcohol free life, He’s probably jealous.

Drinkers like company.

Could you possibly LTB?

Tell him to get to fuck ! Alcohol is obviously not changing his shitty personality, so you'll pass thanks!
Stay strong and celebrate your own achievement with nurturing things for yourself ❤️

Urgh my DF pulls this from time to time. He's like "I preferred you when you drank". I mean, what does he expect me to say.. I could die if I go back to drinking but so long as you're happy?

Always the first post!

You don't need any more answers @RazorSharp1

from my heart not my mind becuse I’m not an expert about this…OP please seek support from others who have come thru addiction re: absolute arsehole suggestion you drink to be more fun. This seems like a sabotage in the works. Congratulations on your sobriety Keep on keeping on and be mindful it’s a disease characterized by relapse so you need support every day all around you. You said cold turkey so are you involved in any sobriety groups like AA ?

I don’t drink, I was never an alcoholic, it’s just not something that has ever been part of my life and I’m fine with that
However, I’ve often found others have an issue with it. Whenever I say I don’t drink, I’m pushed for a reason, am I an alcoholic, am I on antibiotics…. It’s bizarre.

When I was younger I felt enormous pressure to drink to fit in and even found that sometimes people wouldn’t invite me out because i wasn’t drinking.

i have tried the odd drink here and there, and I quite like the taste of a few drinks
its not that I would mind the odd one here and there
but i found it easier to not drink at all because I’ve found if I have one people push for more
or make comment about how slow I’m drinking it etc

IMO me drinking slowly, only having one or none at all makes them feel bad about drinking, or how much are having

Obviously Your situation is completely different because you have had an issue and taken control of it which is fantastic

But I wouldn’t be surprised if the reason your husband is pushing for you to have the odd drink here and there is because if you’re drinking too then it’s less noticeable how much or how often he’s drinking.
or because by blaming you not drinking for your unhappiness he doesn’t have to acknowledge any deeper issues where he may be culpable

You do sound unhappy
But I highly doubt a few drinks is going to change that, in fact if it sets you off drinking heavily again it’s going to make things a whole lot worse

if he can’t understand that then is there even a future for you both?

He's a knob head

It is tricky. I agree DH should not have encouraged someone back to drink. But without him being an alcoholic himself, he may very well miss the relaxation and laughter that can come with a couple of glasses - if only we could all stop there. I know that I'm much busier now I've given up alcohol, as well as bearing more of the financial and domestic load, and my DH misses the times we just sat and relaxed and chatted and yes, two or three glasses were had. OP has made huge efforts and done so well, and her DH has been appallingly stupid, but perhaps making time to do something relaxing with him would help?

He should be keeping those thoughts to himself.

My friend’s husband was sober for a while and although she’d encouraged him in the first place, she admitted to me that she found him miserable to be around. Sometimes it can be a catalyst to exposing an unhappy life or relationship.