To think always having the children with you is stressful?

I had a conversation with a friend the other day and I said the thing I missed the most was not having to think about anything. Friend invites me out? Sure, give me half an hour to change/shower/grab a bag, whatever. Fancy a weekend away? Absolutely, if I've got the funds then why not?

These days everything is about well, we've got swimming practice Friday evening and gymnastics on Saturday, will someone be around to take them if I'm away/do bedtime/make sure homework is done on Sunday?

Appreciate my margins are different as I'm a single parent but the overall issue for me is the lack of adaptability, and the freedom to just do what I like without having to think about it.

I have one 3 year old so we can somewhat muddle along together doing activities that aren't too painful for me. We go on bike rides, we visit museums, I can browse my own interests in the library while he looks at books, we can eat out in nice cafes and he behaves himself and enjoys it.

However... you would probably find the same if you only had your 4 year old, but as mine is an only child I probably have to deal with other things that you'll find easier as your toddler gets older. They'll likely play together and amuse each other where we rely on lots of play dates.

So it's a bit swings and roundabouts as to the benefits of having two young children or one. I think it'll pay off as they get older and you can hopefully relax more at home and leave them to occupy each other.

It gets easier before teens, mine are 6 and 8 and life is more fun and less relentless than it once was. I however have found it a struggle to balance finding social time for myself. I work full time and my husband works mostly evenings/weekends often he will work Thurs/Fri/Sat/Sun night and a day of the weekend too. We don't have help from GPs so that means I can't go out and socialise without them! I was very social prekids so this has been a real adjustment. One thing that has been brilliant is that we joined a local tennis club which runs a Friday evening sessions for the kids every week, I take the kids down, mingle with other adults and get some drinks in (normally an N/A beer because I'm driving but still feels fun 😊). I barely see the kids because they are playing tennis and then running around with mates and I've made some new friends. I think the key is to find something everyone can enjoy. Anyway - all to say - it gets much easier!

they generally have grandparents active and willing to take the children.

I think that can make a huge difference to parenthood "experience" as it were.

Dsis could go away over weekend and my parents would have DN in contrast I was struggling to get help for medical appointments.

DH was around much more with pfb due to job during pg for second life threw curved balls we move DH then had longer hours and longer commute - same in third pg when he was then working away in the week. Even on holiday and day away still on all the time watching - it's just your normal. Then it changes as they age. I missed them now they're late teens and more off doing their own thing.

You will never get that carefree back. Even as teens they are in your head and invariably you need to be back to take them somewhere etc.
I’d definitely not fall into trap of assuming you’ll just have them in hols as you get no free time then. There’s lots of school holiday clubs and childcare. If you don’t need it to work you can access the cheaper 9-3 or 10-2 sort.

Yes I agree it’s hard work OP. My husband often works weekends and evenings so I’m often on my own with my two on weekends. It’s got easier as they have got older but it was initially a shock how hard going it was !

So on the days and evenings dh is off work, do you all four of you spend it together all the time? He doesn't go off and do anything just for him?

The thing I have learnt about parenting is - there are no medals for martyring yourself.

You don't have to spend every moment either working or with your children, it's really fine to take some breaks.

Take a day off when they are in nursery - or as you are a teacher, keep them in for a day or two in the holidays

When they are school age, book them into some clubs for some of the holidays

When you go on holiday, use the kids club

Not saying you should ship them off every chance you get but a few days here and there can really make the difference for you and really aren't something the kids will care about or even remember

I think perhaps as you approach that stage, budget for some holiday clubs.

I've always done that, at least for a few days here and there (I'm a secondary teacher).

It's important to have a bit of time to adult or just do stuff It's not suitable to take kids to.

But surely if it makes you happy, it’s ’worth it? Not all the time, but I remember leaving all mine with their dad and having a day out at a craft show. he thought it was ‘worth it’ for me, and was perfectly capable of having a Saturday being Dad

I did read the rest of your comment. And my comment still stands - why will you only leave your children with their father for things that are 'worth it'? What does that mean, exactly? Why can't/won't you leave them with their father at any time?

You say dh isn't around much- how much? What does he do with his time?

Did you finish reading the rest of my comment? I wouldn’t leave them with him for things that weren’t “worth it”. LIKE for example, wondering round a market by myself which I used to enjoy. I save my spare time for going swimming. Or maybe going out for a meal with friends.

So for me, it is worth it. There is an extremely large amount of pleasure to be had in doing ordinary things without dc hanging off your legs.

I honestly wish I had taken advantage of this more before having children.

I always felt I had to be doing something productive - why!?????

Should have done way more pottering/taken way more naps

Your children are your new/forever hobby OP 😆

But in all seriousness I mourn my first labour date as the day I gave up being that version of me which is different to parent me. No one can prepare you for it. I still miss her and freedom she had.

As a parent your kids, especially in the early years come front and centre over and over again and you can kind of lose yourself in the thick of it.

I have a DH who is not around much so I do all the childcare. It’s not been perfect but we have a nice standard of living as a result of our split roles.

Over time all hope of spontaneity dries up and life becomes pretty routine as that’s what small children thrive on.

Youre very much in the trenches though when they are super needy at the ages you’ve mentioned. It doesn’t last. Life slowly opens back up again but it’s not quite like it was..

it gets easier but it’s always time measured. I remember going on holiday to a nice hotel that had a casual kids club by the pool. I could still see them but someone else was doing the entertaing. Kids 7 and 3 by then went off and made little crafty things for an hour or so and it was the first time I read a book in years! On a sun lounger. DH also rested too. It was like we could remember again who we were for a little while before the kids came.

Then they reach teen years and while you have quite a lot more freedom they still need feeding every night! And loads of washing need to go on and they need a lift here or there. I think that’s my biggest bugbear these days. What to cook for dinner 😆

So it’s still time measured but less pressure on you in some ways.

a few of my friends are further on still with kids at uni and this starts to look like a return to the old you but of course you are really quite different to the 30 something you were. Quite possibly menopause has happened or is happening, you’re in your 50s and you’re looking at the conveyor belt and wondering how to have the best last few decades possible, if life gives you that because by now, one or both your parents are frail, needy or sadly died and you have one or two friends have passed or are very unwell.

It’s quite the journey OP. Try to enjoy it all as much as possible if you can. It goes by in a blink. Enjoy your good health and the early years, before you know it you’ll have stroppy teens who won’t get out of bed before noon!

My kids are older now but I've been with them pretty much every day since they were born. We don't have family around and my husband used to travel a lot for work so it was often just me flying around between work and home.

I haven't read it all but one thing that has kept me sane is earmarking a few annual leave days a year for myself. Kids off to school or nursery when they were young and I'd go potter around the cute shops or have a leisurely lunch or whatever.

I got lucky that my daughter enjoys a lot of this too so we did it together now and again from when she was 8 or so. Now that she's 12 this sort of leisurely wandering is super fun with her. My son is another story and mostly enjoys running in circles while babbling about pokemon 😂

Ok let me explain. Your life is not identical to op’s life.

I know exactly what you mean, OP. It's not until they are teens though, don't worry! Once they are at school, they are likely to have playdates with other kids, extracurricular activities in the evening, and also be old enough that they are not going to come to harm if you are not constantly paying attention.

Ok, that won't help you potter round a nice town, but it will give you more mental space, which may help you feel better about what you can't (yet) have. And if they join brownies/cubs etc, they may go off to camp or on day outings sooner than you think!

When my DC were about the age yours are now, I took up a hobby that I hadn't done for years. It's a team thing, so needed weekly attendance to avoid letting people down, and has occasional (like 1-3 a year) weekend trips (and sometimes the coach stops off for a break and we ... potter round a town!) I found this hobby really beneficial for the guaranteed regular break of non-work, non-kid time, and also for its own sake, and I still do it now mine are teenagers.

I hear you, OP. You're getting some smug answers, but I feel exactly the same.
I was naive as to how hard it would be, how much would be left to me. But it is more complex than the kids simply being with you all the time.
It is the spontaneity of life (lack of). The inability to ever truly "switch off" your parenting responsibilities.

Many people on the thread are taking your point literally. However, even when your children are with the other parent, or at school/nursery etc; you can't just go about your life as you did before, they're still "with you" mentally. You still have to worry about the logistics of their day, making sure you're back from work on time to get them from childcare for example. Worrying about one of them getting sick or having an accident, and whether you would be able to go collect them. Worrying they're misbehaving, worrying someone is being mean to them. Worrying if the baby will get the right nap time or if they'll be overtired and keep you up all night. The list of worries is endless and unfortunately part of motherhood that's often glossed over.

You can't just pop off for a weekend with friends as before. Even with the best father or support network in the world, you will still worry and have them on your mind if they're not with you. Life is no longer carefree. I think some mothers are wired differently and do find a way to switch off, but probably moreso when kids are older. I am told it gets easier in time.